This Is Now

 

Now that both my boys are in therapy

Now that the right medication has been prescribed to the one with mood swings and depression

Now that the one who was recently diagnosed with ADHD is finally qualified to receive extra support from the school district, and he might actually be college-bound after all…

Now that the weight of “fixing it” has been somewhat lifted

Now that I’ve ended the year-long romance that was always only temporary anyway

Now that I’ve successfully scared off all new potential suitors

Now that, day by day, I care less and less about outside opinion

There is a certain beauty in unpopularity, you know.

Now that I am actively forgiving my father

And the father of my childhood best friend

And the rapist

And the stalker

And the one I loved and almost married, who wrestled with demons, who

lost control that one night and gave me the end I was seeking

in spades.

Now that I have grieved and healed and forged on and barely made rent at times

Now my thought is this:

Fuck, I’m tired.

*

And I know the show’s not over, and there is more brilliance than my weary mind can imagine waiting on the other side of this valley.

There is a place to fill my cup, replenish and dance with vibrancy and fearlessness again.

And there will be more valleys, surely, the further into time I walk in this body.

When I reach them, it is possible that I will carry new and powerful tools with which to navigate that terrain.  My dormant talents will have further awakened.  I will be that much more practiced in the art of love alchemy.

This is now.

Not what was, or what will become.

And now, thanks to this stupid sinus infection, I’m forced to rest and miss work.

My task is to care for this body, in its sickness and health.

My to-do list is this:

Rest

Love

Forgive

Repeat

 

 

 

 

Broken Little Pieces

 

We are all refugees

here

Trying to keep our precious hearts alive.

*

It happens

as it should

That you will find yourself unraveled

into pieces

like so many messy parts

The veil is shattered,

and your brokenness is hanging like an unhinged door

So obvious —

There’s no use trying to make this look pretty.

*

When you find yourself this way

Crooked and unhinged

Will you please say hello to your mind

with kindness?

Step into the dark places, and find the ones who look like monsters.

See your Rage, sharpening its blade of resentment like a knife, silently seething with a killer’s white fury.

Step towards it and drop to your knees.

Stroke its perfect face, distorted as it may be.

Thank it for working so hard to protect you all these years.  All this time.

Feel how tired it is and let it take a rest.

Gently remove the blade from its hand, placing it nearby.

Lay its head down on a bed of moss covered with white flowers.

Let it rest.

Nothing to do right now, sweet Rage.

You can sleep.

*

See Rejection standing nearby.

Rush towards it with open arms.

Cradle it, hold it to your smiling heart, for there is nothing more worthy of love than this one who has forgotten its own worth.

Let it feel the comfort that you bring as you accept it exactly as it is right now.

Wrap it in your favorite shawl and help it to lay down for a nap on the soft, green moss.

*

Do this, continuously, for everyone you find in the shadows of your mind.

Greed.  Fear.  Judgment.  Perversion.  Doubt.  Sadness.  Jealousy.  Shame.  Irritation.  Hopelessness.  Worry.  Depression.  Control.  Denial.

Find these broken pieces.

Love them in their brokenness.

There is nothing to fix.

With a quiet kind of grace, we are sweeping the mind

and the story is falling away.

The Refuge is here,

ever-accessible.

Find it in stillness, in silence, in the breathing in and out.

Find it in weeping, in falling apart, in the heart that is bursting

with unconditional love.

*