What If?

 

The light is shining so brightly these days

Upon my very soul

I’ve been moving furniture

Out of my temple and into the yard

The furniture looks like crap

And dammit, now it’s there for all to see

*

Inside my soul is dancing

Something is alive and celebrating the demise

Of the hiding from light

Of the believing of lies

Of the self-created stories that turn into nightmares when I am pretending I am separate

My soul says YES

Even as my eyes release tears and my heart is bursting

Even as I rage and try to convince my lover that I am too difficult, too complicated and too damaged to love

He sees me in a different light than I can see myself

A thick cloud of doubt surrounds me sometimes

When I get very, very close to someone

When I begin to feel trust

My guards want to protect me:

Scared Sally, Angry Annie, Jealous Jenny, Distant Deb, Hateful Helga

The names help **

I say “hi”

I say “Will you walk with me, stay close, but let me handle it this time?  I know you want to protect me.  Thank you so much for arriving when I needed you, when I didn’t know how to handle the obstacles.  I have learned so much since you joined me, though.  I think I know another way now.  You don’t have to leave me, you don’t have to die, just rest now, here – inside my heart.”

And I walk in to his life

And I connect

And I am so close, so close

To peeling back a thick layer of protection that looks and smells like jaded disappointment and cynicism.  It’s heavy and cumbersome, but also familiar like a childhood blanket

I want to open this door, and let all my love pour out onto him

Into his life

Into our moments

Into something real that we are creating

The question for me is “What if?”

Because I’m almost there, but not quite

Maybe I’m someone

Who needs more convincing, reminding and reassuring than others

And maybe

I’m just right

*

 

** The book The Dark Side of The Light Chasers by Debbie Ford speaks extensively on loving our shadows and self-compassion.  I highly recommend it.  The naming of my shadows comes from that book, and I find it to be a very useful tool.

 

Jupiter Loves Venus

 

Oh Jupiter,

Expanding everything

Enhancing everything

A boon to my senses

Each moment is stretched out,

Yes with you, even the seconds get longer

Richer

Imbued with magic

Damn….

This is what it feels like

Unavoidable attraction

You light me up

Making me shine even brighter

Such a gentleman,

Accentuating my light with your own

My favorite thing –

Being close to you, next to you, near you

Your smell, your energy,

the way you recognize me, seeing me

Jupiter,

Even if I’m across the room and we are playing it cool

An electric current runs between us

If anything ever happened,

We would grab each other and run

At the first opportunity,

We would grab each other and run

And sometimes,

It’s only in our minds

And hearts

Sometimes we just have to hold space

And know

There will be more

Time

Hugs

Kisses

Moments stretched out for the angels to play

~ angels love the lovers ~

Our every interaction

Exists within this field

Of wonderment

Like, how did we get so lucky?

*

 

 

 

Love

 

Love will find you

in the darkest corners of your mind.

Love will be the one

knocking, ever knocking

holding out the gift to you.

Love will unconfuse you.

*

For Monsieur Love and Madame Love,

you see – they are connoisseurs of the heart.

They taste everything through that channel.

Somewhere between your sex and your mind

Love holds the door open for that which is so supreme,

the Realized Ones are reduced to poetry and parables, sometimes babbling, or silence -when describing a glimpse of the pattern revealed by Love.

*

Love is humbling you, even now, amid your set ways and fixed notions.

Love is swimming through your subconscious mind, observing your current.

Your dealings and your happenings, your choices and your luck, all of it seems to lead you back to this place….Love is the thing that keeps chasing you down.

Run quickly or slowly.

Run away from it or into it.

Hold your breath.

Love is here, waiting for you to give up this nonsense,

this false sense

of achieving anything at all

improving anything at all

becoming “better” or “more lovable”.

Love is waiting for you to

DROP THE BULLSHIT.

Love is here to unpack your baggage

and uncomplicate your life.

*

Shocked, you look around.

You begin to see Love in everything.

It is inescapable!

Check your pulse.

It is beating a code to you – and somewhere in that code you are being reminded of your finite nature, dear human walking the path.

You are here to dance on the palate for such a short while…what will your brush strokes be?

Love is your canvas, every time.  Love is every color, light and the absence of light.  Do you see?  There is an effortless embrace, invisible and unrecognized.

It is giving you this breath, and this singular moment.

And it is waiting, while smiling quietly and piercing everything with eyes that know and accept and rejoice in any kind of recognition…..

It is waiting, and keeping silent while you unravel the mystery.

 

Do you recognize yourself?

 

Love is asking

knocking

waiting

and very much Alive.

*

 

 

This Is Now

 

Now that both my boys are in therapy

Now that the right medication has been prescribed to the one with mood swings and depression

Now that the one who was recently diagnosed with ADHD is finally qualified to receive extra support from the school district, and he might actually be college-bound after all…

Now that the weight of “fixing it” has been somewhat lifted

Now that I’ve ended the year-long romance that was always only temporary anyway

Now that I’ve successfully scared off all new potential suitors

Now that, day by day, I care less and less about outside opinion

There is a certain beauty in unpopularity, you know.

Now that I am actively forgiving my father

And the father of my childhood best friend

And the rapist

And the stalker

And the one I loved and almost married, who wrestled with demons, who

lost control that one night and gave me the end I was seeking

in spades.

Now that I have grieved and healed and forged on and barely made rent at times

Now my thought is this:

Fuck, I’m tired.

*

And I know the show’s not over, and there is more brilliance than my weary mind can imagine waiting on the other side of this valley.

There is a place to fill my cup, replenish and dance with vibrancy and fearlessness again.

And there will be more valleys, surely, the further into time I walk in this body.

When I reach them, it is possible that I will carry new and powerful tools with which to navigate that terrain.  My dormant talents will have further awakened.  I will be that much more practiced in the art of love alchemy.

This is now.

Not what was, or what will become.

And now, thanks to this stupid sinus infection, I’m forced to rest and miss work.

My task is to care for this body, in its sickness and health.

My to-do list is this:

Rest

Love

Forgive

Repeat

 

 

 

 

Sand

 

Set the timer

Get the money changers out of the temple of your heart

For 5 minutes

Don’t try to capitalize on anything

*

Don’t set the timer

Do what you do

Let the love that you are

Seep into the streets

The forest

The body of another

*

*

Your wings are unchained

The veil has been lifted

And there is nothing left to hide from

Dissolve like sand

When the One who knows you touches you

Here

The end of yourself

Is just the beginning

 

*

 

 

 

Broken Little Pieces

 

We are all refugees

here

Trying to keep our precious hearts alive.

*

It happens

as it should

That you will find yourself unraveled

into pieces

like so many messy parts

The veil is shattered,

and your brokenness is hanging like an unhinged door

So obvious —

There’s no use trying to make this look pretty.

*

When you find yourself this way

Crooked and unhinged

Will you please say hello to your mind

with kindness?

Step into the dark places, and find the ones who look like monsters.

See your Rage, sharpening its blade of resentment like a knife, silently seething with a killer’s white fury.

Step towards it and drop to your knees.

Stroke its perfect face, distorted as it may be.

Thank it for working so hard to protect you all these years.  All this time.

Feel how tired it is and let it take a rest.

Gently remove the blade from its hand, placing it nearby.

Lay its head down on a bed of moss covered with white flowers.

Let it rest.

Nothing to do right now, sweet Rage.

You can sleep.

*

See Rejection standing nearby.

Rush towards it with open arms.

Cradle it, hold it to your smiling heart, for there is nothing more worthy of love than this one who has forgotten its own worth.

Let it feel the comfort that you bring as you accept it exactly as it is right now.

Wrap it in your favorite shawl and help it to lay down for a nap on the soft, green moss.

*

Do this, continuously, for everyone you find in the shadows of your mind.

Greed.  Fear.  Judgment.  Perversion.  Doubt.  Sadness.  Jealousy.  Shame.  Irritation.  Hopelessness.  Worry.  Depression.  Control.  Denial.

Find these broken pieces.

Love them in their brokenness.

There is nothing to fix.

With a quiet kind of grace, we are sweeping the mind

and the story is falling away.

The Refuge is here,

ever-accessible.

Find it in stillness, in silence, in the breathing in and out.

Find it in weeping, in falling apart, in the heart that is bursting

with unconditional love.

*