New Moon in Leo and the Dance of Saturn and Mars

As I write this, the Crone Moon is riding the waves of Cancer, keeping me domestic and tender.  She is guiding us within even as she prepares to light us up with the fiery and brave intentions of Leo, the noble Lion.  She enters the sign of Leo on Monday at 6:12pm PDT, and her newness will be exact at 1:45pm PDT on Tuesday, August 2nd

Leo the Lion is tossing his mane right now!

When La Luna is reborn as new, she is directly within the light of the Sun, which is why we don’t see her.  This time can offer so much illumination, for the life-giver (Sun) is in perfect alignment with the inner-self, the emotional self, the secret self: which is represented by Moon.

Month by month, we look at where this is happening in our PERSONAL natal chart in order to gain clarity and direction regarding how the illumination is happening SPECIFICALLY within our individual lives.  When you read horoscopes, I highly recommend that you read them according to your RISING sign, not your sun sign.  If you do not know your rising sign, www.astro.com is a great resource for this.  Go to “extended chart selection” under “Free Horoscopes” and you will easily be able to pull your own chart for free (chart type: Natal Chart Wheel).  I recommended selecting “whole signs” under “House System” (under “Options”).  I talk a little about why I use the whole sign house system in my “about” section on this blog.

This month, we are in the time of self-expression, pleasure and passion.  Leo himself is ruled by the Sun, and the Sun is all about IDENTITY and PURPOSE.  Leo the Lion is dramatic and theatrical by nature, and he shines from the sheer pleasure of DOING WHAT HE LOVES TO DO.  His true nature is loyal and honorable, offering his heart of gold to his close relationships.  The world is a stage for the Lion; he is an exhibitionist and an extrovert, which some of us can relate to and some of us can’t.  But the thing to remember is that he exists for all of us.  All of us contain the entire zodiac within us, for each house is ruled by one of the twelve signs.  So you might not identify strongly with Leo characteristics (or you might), but Leo does preside over a certain area of your life, astrologically-speaking.

If your Sun/Moon/Ascendant/North Node is in Leo, you will undoubtedly be experiencing a certain spotlight and intensity right now, and you may feel “personally” reborn or re-ignited at this time.  But for all of us, this bright, successful, charismatic and joyful Leo style pervades some aspect of our charts.  For me, Leo rules my 3rd house of writing, intellect and communication.  I also have Saturn in my 3rd house, the disciplinarian.  Saturn makes us work.  But he also rewards us with structural support and tangible outcomes – when WE WORK (more precisely, when we work where our work is needed/appreciated).  So I’m letting this Moon speak to me specifically in this area.

Doing the “personal research” to find out how what signs rule what houses in your natal chart is easy and free!  I offer natal chart coaching sessions on a donation basis to help people understand the basics of their personal astrology and how planetary transits are affecting them now.  My contact information is below.  Sessions are completely confidential.

This New Moon in Leo is being ignited even further by the fact that Mars, planet of passion and action, is moving into Sagittarius on Tuesday at 10:49 am PDT.  You might be well-versed in the latest Mars retrograde “escapade” – or you might not – so here’s a little recap:

Mars began his retrograde at 8° Sagittarius on April 17th of this year.  He fell back into Scorpio on May 28th.  He stationed direct at 23° Scorpio on June 29th Now he is switching signs (and houses) for the last time until he enters Capricorn on September 27th.  He won’t retrograde again until June 2018, so hopefully we have learned something from this “recoiling” of Mars energy.  We all need to be able to utilize our passion and desire, we need to have an outlet for aggressive energy, we need permission (from ourselves!) to be direct and ask for what we want.

Mars and Saturn will be dancing together in Sagittarius again come the New Moon.  The dance of these two very masculine, challenging and hard-working planets really began back on February 19th when Mars reached 23° Scorpio, a specific point that we would later see lit up for an extended period of time when Mars stationed direct at that degree on June 29th.  While Mars is re-entering Sagittarius, Saturn is hanging out at 9° Sagittarius, which is significant because Mars was at 8° Sagittarius when he went retrograde on April 17thAt the point of the Mars retrograde, Saturn was at 15° Sagittarius, and Saturn will return to that degree on November 7th of this year (the day before the much-anticipated United States presidential election).

On a larger scale, we can look at the Mars/Saturn dance as spanning from 2/19/16-11/24/16.

For tracking the personal lessons that are being revealed by the Mars retrograde, pay attention to events between 4/17/16-8/21/16 (Mars began his retrograde at 8° Sagittarius on 4/17, and he will return to that degree on 8/21).

The most recent Saturn retrograde began on March 25th when the planet of structure and containment was at 16° Sagittarius.  He will go direct on August 13th, a few days before our next Full Moon, at 9° Sagittarius.  He himself will return to 16° Sagittarius on November 16th of this year.

I know some of you might feel lost with this information right now, but try to pay attention to these dates – both the things that happen directly on or near these dates, but also the over-arching life experiences and lessons happening within the bookends of the two time frames I have listed above.

If you have access to your natal chart, hone in on the area between 23° Scorpio and 16° Sagittarius.  Which houses are being affected?  What planets/asteroids/angles/nodes exist here?  This particular segment of your chart has been getting A LOT of attention, and that won’t really let up until after November 24th, when Saturn moves beyond 16° Sagittarius.

On August 24th, Mars and Saturn will make their exact conjunction at 9° Sagittarius.  I will discuss this further when I share my thoughts regarding our next Full Moon on August 18th.  The main thing to keep in mind is that Mars is action and Saturn is discipline.  Together they can accomplish a lot, if their influence is being channeled for growth and constructive action.  The fact that they are joining up in Sagittarius is great news because the Archer is both adventurous and benevolent, kind and driven, brave and compassionate.  Sagittarius is mutable (changeable) and ruled by Jupiter, the planet of expansion and good fortune.

Saturn obviously moves more slowly than Mars because he is farther from the Sun and his orbit is larger, but he will be moving ESPECIALLY slow around the time that he is stationing direct on the 13th.  Remember, this is all happening in our perception from Earth, and this is exactly how we will harness the power of these heightened times: through our perception.

I am a firm believer in the power of self-inquiry.  See for yourself what happens when you dig into your own astrology.  See how your perception might shift when you read your horoscopes based on your rising sign instead of your Sun sign.

Our individual lives co-create the pattern of the world stage.  It is irresponsible for any of us to hide our gifts at this time.

If we are unsure of where our talents lie and how to bring them out, diving into self-inquiry is a great way to get in touch with the “you” that came here to shine in a specific way.  Self-love and self-care are essential components in unlocking our gifts.  There is no shame in prioritizing our health and well-being.  The world needs our vibrancy and our willingness, not a limiting shadow of who we really are.

There is a quote from the Gospel of Thomas (found in the Gnostic Gospels) that I simply love, and I feel that it applies well with this Leo New Moon:

“If you bring forth what is within you, what you bring forth will save you. If you do not bring forth what is within you, what you do not bring forth will destroy you.”

~~~

Currently, I do not write horoscopes for each sign.  Instead, I give a general overview of how specific planets in our solar system are affecting us astrologically, centering around the New Moon and Full Moon.  When I give natal chart coaching sessions, I discuss your personal astrology as well as the current planetary transits that are at play and what areas of your life are being affected by those transits.

For information about booking a session with me, I may be contacted at: misfitmysticblog@gmail.com

Much love and New Moon blessings!

Also, here is a beautiful song by Dead Can Dance (called “Rakim” on their album Toward the Within).

https://youtu.be/kq59rEVWQNI

If this song doesn’t set the tone for a favorable New Moon, I don’t know what does!

Shine on.

 

~ Misfit Mystic

 

Unexpected Miracles (Jumping Tracks)

I’ve been busy.

In the past two weeks, I ended a romantic relationship that wasn’t right for me, got fired from my job, and took a major step toward healing my relationship with my father.  “Intense” is an understatement for this combination of life events!

And actually, it happened like a domino effect, with a background of loving support from friends and an inner-seeking that offers much illumination.

I said “no” to the relationship that didn’t feel right for me.  My “no” paved the way for my “Yes.”  Saying “no” to what I don’t want to experience let me say “Yes” to what I do want to experience.  Space and time are not linear, and our conversation with the Universe is about many things all at once.  I wasn’t just saying “no” to that relationship.  I was saying “no” to feeling limited and having my energy zapped.  I was saying “Yes” to freedom and expansion.  I was saying “Yes” to protecting and fostering my juicy, succulent energy.

Lo and behold, one week later I was fired from my job of almost 8 years.  Without going into details, I will simply say that my working there was not in alignment with my “Yes.”  I ended up saying “no” to what I experienced as toxic treatment in the workplace, and my “Yes” was granted in the form of getting fired.

It was a shock and felt traumatic at first.  Fearful thoughts happened:

“This is my livelihood!”

“How will I feed my kids and pay the bills?”

“I’ve failed!” 

But as the tears and fear subsided, I began to feel such energetic lightness that I knew Grace was at work.  The Universe has heard my “Yes” and It is saying “Yes” in return.

Three days after getting fired, an incredibly healing conversation happened with my father.  I have an estranged relationship with him, which has been a source of pain for my almost my whole life.  Healing my relationship with him is a necessary part of my own healing and my own awakening.  I am also realizing, more and more, that I will quite possibly continue to experience shadow-work in my relationships with men while I have unfinished healing with my father.

The Universe heard my “Yes.”

I am simply in awe of these unexpected miracles.

As I observe the unfolding of my soul’s journey, I see how transformative Grace is, and how this transformation can happen in so many ways.

Sometimes, we are simply guided to steer the boat (representing our life and choices) in a different direction – even subtle shifts in navigation will lead us to an entirely different destination.  This can look like changes in how we take care of ourselves, how we operate in relationships, how we prioritize that which matters to us.  This kind of steering is constant, and we are always making adjustments as we journey through our days and nights.

There are other times when we are guided (or sometimes forced) to “jump tracks.”  We still have our boat (our life and choices), but we are being placed in an entirely different set of circumstances, different waters.  This can look like getting fired or quitting a job.  It can look like ending relationships, by choice or not.  It can look like changing residence or giving up addiction, by choice or not.  It can look like losing a loved one.  It can look like surrendering.

As we jump tracks, as we find ourselves IN that process, it is as if we have wings – we are existing without knowing how, without having control, security, stability, constancy.  In these times, a greater change is happening upon our souls than we can fathom with the human mind. 

The beauty in the void of creation, this Darkness if you will, is that it contains

so much energy.  

It is the tide pulling in on itself. 

In these times of jumping tracks, we are offered temporary relief from the dull trappings of ego.  Suddenly, we DON’T know what’s going to happen next, how it’s all going to play out, or what our new tracks will be.  We can panic and freak out, cry and resist – all of these are valid emotions when faced with change.

The thing to remember is that it is ALL energy.

As the mind quiets, as the ego takes a rest, we are witness to the incredible POTENTIAL of this time.  Life energy is living, changing, dying and being reborn – perpetually evolving and teeming with possibilities.

As I find myself in this space, all I can think to ask for is this:

“Great Spirit, use me to my full potential.

I am a vessel for Your light.

You are my shepherd and I am Your lamb.

You are the lover, and I the beloved.”

 

Blessed be!

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Full Moon in Capricorn and Here Comes the Leo Sun!

Pregnant Luna reaches fullness on July 19th at 3:57 pm PDT in the steady and hardworking sign of Capricorn. 

Her ripeness in Capricorn symbolizes the collective need to “get to work.”  What needs to be done?  This can mean finishing up lingering projects and crossing off the to-do list.  It can mean tuning in to your pragmatic side, the part of you that is willing to take things step-by-step as well as give things the final push.  It can also mean setting aside time to go within and look at the “bigger picture” of your existence.

If you believe in soul-contracts (agreements our souls make before taking birth), you might feel a sense of purpose bubbling up for you with this Full Moon.  You might even feel like your higher self is demanding that you show up and pay attention.  Old patterns and ways of being that don’t work are simply unsustainable now.  Capricorn is represented by the Goat, and she is concerned with functionality and practicality.  She is cardinal earth, which means she takes initiative to create grounded and tangible change.  She is here to weed out the behaviors and thought patterns that are stumbling blocks or traps.  She is high-functioning and helps us keep a steady pace on the path of life.  She is ruled by Saturn, the disciplinarian, which gives her major willpower and the ability to focus.

Luna’s exact fullness marks a void period until she enters Aquarius at 8:10 pm PDT.  The void Moon is a time to reflect, go within and listen.  Find the pause in the wheel of life; find perspective.

This Full Moon is also the celebration of Guru Purnima, a sacred festival originating from India and Nepal in which the teacher or guru is honored.  The Sanskrit word “guru” can be defined simply as “the darkness destroyer” (gu = darkness, ru = destroyer).  It is a great gift to experience a teacher who lights our path and brings us into greater awareness, understanding, respect and love.

It is beautiful to take some time with this Moon to offer thanks for those teachers and gurus who have guided us and supported us, who have challenged us and accepted us and loved us.  The true teacher is here to reflect the light within the student.  It is a blessing both ways.

During the Full Moon, the Sun lies directly opposite Luna.  The Sun is finishing up his stay in the waters of Cancer, and he is preparing to enter the domain of Leo this Friday (July 22nd) at 2:30 am PDT. 

The Sun illuminates the house in your chart that is ruled by the sign in which he is traveling.  We all have the entire zodiac within us, in different ways.  Each sign represents an “aspect” of being.  Leo is all about self-expression.  He is noble, courageous and charming.  He can come across as ego-centric or even selfish when his energy is out of balance.  In truth, Leo understands that self-love and self-expression are key components of spreading joy in the world.

The Sun will be joining Venus and Mercury in Leo, who entered the Lion’s Den last week, setting the stage for the pinnacle of Summer.  Leo values art, romance, creativity, family, love and performance.  Leo can be indulgent, like the ripe Summer harvest.  So: the self (Sun), the mind (Mercury) and feminine love energy (Venus) are all in the Lion’s Den together again – and the sign of fixed fire is igniting everyone’s sense of self.  The ego can also get ignited under this fire sign, and when too many aggrandized egos start crowding a room – well, we all know it ain’t pretty.

Hop off the ego train and use the fire of Leo to light up your purpose and your path. 

Your wellness, your brightness, your talent and your heart are much needed in the world.  This planet is in so much pain, so much confusion, and the wheel of karma is plowing forward at tremendous speed.  Can we respond with quiet kindness?  Can we offer the alchemy that is necessary to turn apathy into caring, hate into forgiveness and fear into love?

What we have considered “self” is the biggest lie that we have been feeding ourselves for centuries upon centuries.

Small self is a shadow of the truth of What Is. 

When small self thinks it is in charge, it feeds the creation of a false paradigm in which many small selves are competing for attention and power.  This has manifested as a world full of conflict, poverty, violence, abuse, pain and disease.

However, the Universe is self-correcting.  She may just self-correct humans out of existence if we can’t get our act together.

On another note, as La Luna wanes from her fullness into Crone and back into the darkness of new beginnings, Mars will be retracing his steps in Scorpio back into Sagittarius.  He has regained his usual speed after stationing direct, so any mire we may have been feeling from June 19th – July 12th should be clearing up or at least MOVING in a new direction by now.  This can also speak to desires coming to fruition, romance taking off (or falling apart), and inner conflict sorting itself out.

Mars energy is HOT, and he is currently heating up the final degrees of Scorpio (again).  Scorpio encourages shadow work and deep exploration of emotions and our sensual/sexual nature.  Scorpio is anything but superficial and she doesn’t care about societal norms, which is why she is so often shrouded in mystery.

For those of you who are geeky like me, you might find it useful to know that from now until our next New Moon, Mars will be retracing the same territory he was in from:

May 27th – June 12th

February 22nd – March 7th

Mars energy is powerful, and this past Mars retrograde certainly threw me for a loop, so I wanted to share these dates for the sake of reflection.

Mars will re-enter Sagittarius on August 2nd on the day of the New Moon.

This is potent energy available to us, dear ones!

I wish you magickal transformation and radical self-love.

xo

Misfit Mystic

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Full Moon photo by the talented Michael Ludwig.  Find his writings and more photos at 5edges.wordpress.com

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Cultivating Light, pt.2

I’m back on the island for the weekend.  Right now, my only company is my friend’s African-Grey parrot, who I will call Sam.  Sam and I have a very sweet relationship.  Except for that one time last Sunday when she bit me.  That has never happened before and it will never happen again.  I was not pleased about having a bloody, throbbing finger (although it was my fault for trying to pet her cute little head).  I went to bed resentful of her rude behavior and I didn’t chat with her much the following morning.  She is very sensitive to vibes and she quickly caught on that I was ignoring her.  I wasn’t trying to punish her; I just wasn’t ready to talk yet.  My feelings were hurt.

Throughout the day, she kept upping her game with me, saying things like “good morning!” and “how are you?” quite often.  She even started saying “later gater” a lot in this cute robotic voice because she heard me laugh after she tried it out.  My friend has owned Sam for almost 30 years, since she was a 6-month old babe.  He knows her really, really well and is very in tune with her moods and what she is communicating.  He said it was good that I was giving her the silent-treatment to reinstate my dominance.  So I just waited until I was over being mad, and then I was able to re-engage with Sam without a grudge.  She won me back when she said “Night-night, sweetheart” in a loving, lilting voice.  I laughed fully and my heart felt soft and glowing. I asked her that we instate a mutual “no biting each other” agreement, and we moved on.

I wish it was so easy with people!  Specifically, I wish it was so easy with lovers.

I wish I could be more Zen about the whole Sex thing.

I wish my heart wasn’t in my vagina.  I wish I could love “casually” without getting too “attached.”

I wish feeling triggered or hurt wasn’t part of my experience.  (No bad feelings, please!  They are so inconvenient!)

And I don’t wish these things because I think it would make me a better person or a cooler person, or even a more desirable woman.  I wish these things because it would be less painful for ME!

However, to my utter amazement, I am finding that I can’t turn away from love anymore.  I can’t turn the lights off and go back to sleep.  I can’t pretend something doesn’t hurt when it does.  I can’t close my heart and cut connections just because I’m scared.  The heart stays open.

By some divine power, my heart is being kept open.  Waves of emotion pass through it.  I’m feeling the truth of painful feelings – what is it about?  I am seeing that some things are about relating, here and now, in present time.  How personalities mesh.  How chemistry is strengthened or weakened.

And I am seeing the trail of thoughts and feelings that are triggered by sharing myself closely with a lover, regardless of the present experience.  The trail keeps leading me back to the same yucky, muddy pond.  The same sadness, the same hurt.

I realized today that I am almost the same age that my mother was when my father left her for another woman.  There had already been infidelities, I’m sure, but the affair that made him leave was the beginning of a hellish time for my mother and my little sister and I.

The story of that challenging time is not what is important.  What matters is the little girl (age 11) who was left to sift through rubble and pick up broken pieces with her mother, for years.  What matters is that she hasn’t healed completely yet, and she is still, will always be, me.  Her healing is intrinsic to my own, as a woman and as a soul.

Little girls are not women.  I am not the only woman walking around with a scared, hurt, confused little girl inside of her.  And there are men, many men, with scared, hurt, confused little boys inside of them.  We are not bad for not being all grown-up and put together.  We do not suck for struggling.

Really, we are being handed keys to our own healing.  Whenever we are triggered, we are given an opportunity to trace it back to a place where we can have compassion for ourselves.  So often, our hurts are left over from our childhood.  We can hold space for that healing to occur in our hearts and minds, just by imagining ourselves as children, innocent and deserving of kindness and love.  (if you can’t imagine that, it’s ok! imagine yourself as a newborn baby.  you were innocent.  you still are, believe it or not.)

Now, we layer the cake of our experiences with the generations who have gone before us, and we see how very deep the suffering goes, how very deep the need for healing goes.

We are all feeling the sadness of world events right now.  There is a collective heaviness, a worn and tired dismay, and a protective urge to shield, to numb and to hide.  There is also a reactive urge for some to lash out and seek revenge.

But we just can’t keep doing that.

I can’t hide from my “daddy-issues” anymore.  It’s not very fun for my dating life.  I can’t just pretend something is working for me.  My temple, my body, is completely divine and anyone who enters my temple is blessed and also carries responsibility.  I deserve care and love and kindness.  I deserve truth and commitment and connection.  When I pretend like I don’t need those things, I feel like shit!

We, collectively, cannot hide from our issues.  We cannot hide from systemic racism and sexism.  We cannot hide from economic oppression.  We cannot hide from gun violence and fear-mongering and hate crimes.

These things are waking us up like an awful nightmare.  Instead of spinning around in debates and defenses, we can just feel this.  Eventually, we are going to feel this.

And then we can stop denying it and pretending.  We can stop blaming and victimizing.  We can stop stuffing our shame and our guilt with bullshit distractions.  We can just stop.

I have to heal my heart wounds in order to love freely and joyously.  Sometimes I feel underwater with the grief I’ve been carrying, but I keep riding the waves and perspective is granted, in big and small ways.  Spirit gives me the experiences I need to grow, and I feel held, even in my despair.

We have to heal our heart wounds.  We have to listen, really listen.

If we are able to act as loving support for others, we are experiencing a great gift.  AND – we still need to work on our own healing.  Martyrs are not going to save the world.  My loving brother Jesus has been misinterpreted again and again – and one very real way is through this idea of “suffering our way to heaven.”  Give me a break!

We are here to LOVE OURSELVES, FORGIVE OURSELVES AND HEAL OURSELVES.  From this space and this intention, we can offer our love, forgiveness and healing to this beautiful world.  The personal is still political, people.  Micro/Macro.  And if we don’t receive the grace that is constantly available to us if we but look within, we can’t offer it up, we can’t share it, we can’t BE IT.

You are the light, so be it.

There is no “other.”  Every great spiritual master has shared this message.

Your freedom is mine.  Your happiness, your love, your wisdom and your power are essential to the well-being of this planet.

And when you look around, those fellow humans you see, they are your family.

I love you.

Namaste.

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Cultivating Light, pt.1

 

I am beautiful and yummy again.  I am myself.

The hollow feeling is gone now.  It was only the mind playing tricks on me, chasing me down tunnels and challenging me to remember truth, remember love.

Love will do that.  It will remove obstacles as well as place obstacles in your path to bring you remembrance, to bring you back back back to knowing yourself as the sacred temple for life.

The body is gifted to teach us what we’re made of.

Joy, pleasure and peacefulness are the birthrights of every soul.

And your liberation is mine, don’t you see?

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Free yourself

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Walk with me in the field beyond right and wrong.

Our talking will cease when we open our senses to this place.

Here, every story becomes a love story.

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I am bowing to you

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The love that is gifted heals every cell of my being.

I am a sponge for the water of love as it pours down heavily, washing every jagged note within the music of my body-mind.

Out in the world, I carry this love like a tiny lantern inside my heart.

I am human, imperfect.  Outside, the wind is howling and the sky breaks open.

The fire of love burns inside the temple of this body.

I am the shelter, dancing in the storm.

*

I bow to you

*

We move in the body.

We feed in the body.

We grieve, rejoice, make love, make war, make mistakes and find balance in the body.

The entire spectrum of pain and pleasure exists within the body.

We are given constant opportunities to accept, to forgive and to love in the body.

And whenever we can, our hands will caress the face of our beloved and our quiet heart will whisper:

“Oh sweet one, your temple is a work of art.

The deathless One resides in you so perfectly.”

*

I bow to you

*

Your light moves me and I am speechless.

Dear pilgrim, I see eternity when I look at you.

Traveling pilgrim, what a gift to hold you again in this lifetime.

*

 

 

 

What If?

 

The light is shining so brightly these days

Upon my very soul

I’ve been moving furniture

Out of my temple and into the yard

The furniture looks like crap

And dammit, now it’s there for all to see

*

Inside my soul is dancing

Something is alive and celebrating the demise

Of the hiding from light

Of the believing of lies

Of the self-created stories that turn into nightmares when I am pretending I am separate

My soul says YES

Even as my eyes release tears and my heart is bursting

Even as I rage and try to convince my lover that I am too difficult, too complicated and too damaged to love

He sees me in a different light than I can see myself

A thick cloud of doubt surrounds me sometimes

When I get very, very close to someone

When I begin to feel trust

My guards want to protect me:

Scared Sally, Angry Annie, Jealous Jenny, Distant Deb, Hateful Helga

The names help **

I say “hi”

I say “Will you walk with me, stay close, but let me handle it this time?  I know you want to protect me.  Thank you so much for arriving when I needed you, when I didn’t know how to handle the obstacles.  I have learned so much since you joined me, though.  I think I know another way now.  You don’t have to leave me, you don’t have to die, just rest now, here – inside my heart.”

And I walk in to his life

And I connect

And I am so close, so close

To peeling back a thick layer of protection that looks and smells like jaded disappointment and cynicism.  It’s heavy and cumbersome, but also familiar like a childhood blanket

I want to open this door, and let all my love pour out onto him

Into his life

Into our moments

Into something real that we are creating

The question for me is “What if?”

Because I’m almost there, but not quite

Maybe I’m someone

Who needs more convincing, reminding and reassuring than others

And maybe

I’m just right

*

 

** The book The Dark Side of The Light Chasers by Debbie Ford speaks extensively on loving our shadows and self-compassion.  I highly recommend it.  The naming of my shadows comes from that book, and I find it to be a very useful tool.

 

Release

 

Why is it that the more I open to the light

And the more I open to love

The more the memories come?

Things I thought were gone are resurfacing

Still ugly, still painful, still totally in my way

*

I called on Krishna

I asked him to play his flute for me

And he did

Sweetly, with passionate reverence

But the sound of his devotion

And the brightness of his love

Reminded me

Of all that I have not forgiven or forgotten

This weight I keep carrying around like a corpse

Dead weight

Dead things

His love is so pure!

And I am so not.

*

Shiva

God of Death and Deathlessness

He is consciousness, unfiltered and undiluted

He is energy, unlimited and unimpeded

He is wild

As in:

Not tame

Not programmed

Not here to please your ego or your sensibilities

No…Shiva is beyond all things

Shiva

I bring him my offering

I go to him with my corpse

I lie down, exhausted and defeated

For I, too, feel dead

*

The fire is burning things:

My heart

This corpse

My story – so perfectly composed

All the rationalizations

All the excuses

Shiva wants my blinders and my escape-routes

He wants my insecurities

He wants my shyness and my hiding

He wants my conformity and any apathy I still harbor

He wants my hurt, my anger, my hopelessness and every shred of my fear

“Come,” he says. 

“I am eternally here.

Walk into this fire.

The diamond of your essence cannot be destroyed.

Come.

Let everything else go.”

*

So I come to him

Again and again

Offering him the stones in my heart

Offering him my tears of despair

Offering my sadness for this mad world, the killers and the killed

My suffering is so small in the spectrum of Samsara!

All of this, all of this, must go through the fire

All of this, all of this, must stand up to the light

I am standing now, too

The corpse remains at Shiva’s feet

“Leave it,” he says

In order to dance with Shiva

I am completely exposed

My many faces are appearing and disappearing

My desires are awakened

My emotions are free

He sees them all

He is the stillness

He is the fire

He is the death of all falsehood

*

Upon release,

I hear Krishna’s flute again

He is still playing

Blissfully

He wants to adore me

Me, of all things!

He is the lover

Loving the beloved

*

Who am I to say no to this Grace?

*