All of me

 

My ex-lover sent me a concerned email when I posted about a “sex class” I went to recently.  My children don’t follow my blog, and they probably never will – but I had been using my real name on Medium, and the ex-lover had a point: “Any of your sons’ boneheaded friends could google your name and this story will pop up.”  He went on to say that I was the “hot mom” among their peers, and that my boys most certainly hated knowing that.  Concerns veiled in compliments, but I felt controlled.

I replied: “Good tip, changing my name on Medium now.”  And I gave myself a new pen name.  Problem solved.

But an anger was stewing, and my mouth wanted to breathe fire.

This energy will not be denied.

I’m claiming my freedom in this space, and a large part of that is connected to my sexuality.  I know this is nothing to be ashamed of.  The type of erotic play I am into is extremely vanilla compared to a lot of the things I read about, but even if it wasn’t — no shame!  I am finding that by exploring the sexual experiences and fantasies of other writers and by slowly sharing my own, I am tapping into incredibly rich creative energy.   I am humbled by these brave and sexy writers who are stirring the pot of erotic energy for those of us who are turned on by the written word.  I am relishing in my own desires without needing a physical partner to fulfill my needs.  And I am learning so much!

I feel protective of my freedom of expression, and unwilling to yield to a status quo version of sex, love or partnership.

And although my ex-lover means well, I also know he wants another chance at “us” – he wants to try some things I have revealed in my writing, things he didn’t know I wanted because I didn’t tell him and he didn’t ask.

His next email to me was titled “Sex” and was basically him coming to terms with his own beastly desires.  Would I wear a collar for him?

Again, I wanted to breathe fire.

Not because I don’t like collars.  I actually don’t know.  But because I am feeling raided….

I’m not here to defend my right to be.

I’m not here to train you to be my perfect lover.

I’m just uncovering the truth of my being.

Things that were dormant are being revealed.  Old wounds have healed enough that now they can be spoken of.  I am learning to be alive in my body.  I am waking up.

It makes some uncomfortable, or sad.

It might turn you on.

It might make you wonder.

And as for the ex-lover,

he doesn’t get to put a collar on me,

not even in my writing.

But the advice has been received,

and thank you for your concern.

*

Side note:

I will always love my ex-lover, he is a beautiful being!

Ending poem:

The heart is in critical condition.

I didn’t tell you,

but I’m breaking all the time.

Little bits of me are falling off – can you see?  That’s my veil cracking.

And if you want to explore this mess with me,

i won’t stop you.

*

 

 

 

 

Oh, Intimacy.

Intimacy.

It sounds so appealing, doesn’t it?   Enticing.  Fun.  Close.

Sexy.  Safe.  Secret.

Fantasy made real.

But then there’s the uncomfortable feelings that might occur.  Like fear and insecurity.  Or jealousy.  Issues of control.  Attachment.  Need and want.  Vulnerability.

Oh, shit.

It’s one thing to send someone a sexy photo of some naked portion of your body under just the right light.  It’s another to stand naked with your feelings and thoughts in front of someone without playing games of shielding.

For me, stepping into intimacy has been a slow journey.  I learned to hide early on, to transform myself on a superficial level to accommodate the external world.  I learned to be a yes girl.  An actress in everyone else’s story but my own.  I picked up on cues… what will make them like me?  What will make me acceptable?  How can I get the attention I need?   With men, I shared my body, but not my truth.  How intimate is that?  Not very.

None of this is unique!  A common, common story.

I denied myself food, and pleasure, and fun, and self-love.  My breath was shallow, my thoughts were often shallow.  My sense of suffering was chronic.  The paradigm I believed in depended on my oblivion to what it was that I actually wanted to experience.  My “want” was insidiously driven by the power of external validation.  The story of chasing my worth outside of myself, looking for love while holding my breath, is long and sort of boring.  It’s a story of false starts and dead ends.  A story of resisting my own knowing.

Intimacy is like waking up sober from your own thoughts, your own story.  It is the is-ness that is here now.

Intimacy has everything to do with honoring what feels good rather than what looks good.  Living without the story of some external reward or external validation, I am free to realize that breathing feels good.  Listening to my body feels good.  Self-love in its many forms of expression feels good.  Following my intuition feels good.  Not rushing to decide, respond or act feels good.

When I am free from the story of what I should or should not look like, feel like, accomplish or gain – I can look around with fresh eyes at this world that is truly, constantly, my own reflection.  I can move from that place.  I can smile first, or love, or hug.  I can receive.

I can say yes, gladly and honestly.  I can say no, simply.

Oh, Intimacy.

Dare I approach you?  Dare I let you in?  Dare I sit in stillness and ask the question: “Who?”

Who is having these thoughts?  Who is watching them?  Who is feeling the emotion?  Who is observing the feelings?  Who owns the sense of lack or want or need?

Who is chasing?  Who is forgetting and who is remembering?  Who is breathing in?  Who is letting it go?

Ohhhh…

So close, so intimate.  So completely woven into the tapestry of our lives, our stories.

Who is weaving?

 

Namaste.

 

 

New Moon in Aquarius and Happy Year of the Fire Monkey!

The new moon in Aquarius was exact at 6:39am PST this morning, harkening in the Year of the Red Fire Monkey in the Chinese zodiac.  The Chinese New Year begins on the second new moon after the Winter Solstice.  I find the interplay between the Chinese zodiac and the zodiac of Western astrology to be quite fascinating – there are so many layers to dig into within each system, and when we merge them together we are given a broad, holistic view of our astrological make-up.

The new moon is conjoined with the sun in Aquarius today – wild, rebellious and determined.  Aquarius is the fixed air sign, very mentally stimulating as well as firm in its views.  Aquarius is ruled traditionally by Saturn, the taskmaster and disciplinarian, but the modern ruler of Aquarius is Uranus, the planet of innovation, transformation and disruption.  This speaks to why Aquarius is able to contain such driven and focused energy, while at the same time remaining eccentric and untamed.

The Chinese New Year always occurs with the new moon in Aquarius, but the Monkey can straddle the spectrum of Aquarius deftly, for he is naturally wild and free, but also ambitious and mentally astute.  In particular, the Fire Monkey is a yang animal with the most yang energy of all the Chinese elements (Earth, Water, Fire, Metal, Wood).

We are being invited into this new moon cycle and into this Chinese New Year with a high level of intensity, intellectual passion and a need for revolutionary change.  What will you set yourself free from this moon cycle?  What kind of big picture liberation do you want to experience in your own life this year?  The Red Fire Monkey is here to facilitate empowering metamorphosis on a micro/macro, personal/political scale in 2016.  Here we go!

Our sun in Aquarius experienced a hard square to fiery Mars in Scorpio early yesterday morning, and today the new moon herself is squaring the red planet.  This is challenging energy that is bound to unearth hard feelings like anger, fear, resentment and jealousy.  Yuck, yuck, yuck!  It is time to tune in and observe.  Mars likes conflict, and as the traditional ruler of Scorpio, he is very powerful in the deep waters of the Scorpion.  In a square aspect with the sun and moon, he is literally banging on the doors of our consciousness and demanding that we deal with the crud and the sludge that we generally prefer to keep buried.  The intensity of this configuration is flowing over us like a mood, but it sets the stage for the current moon cycle.

As we go within and get quiet with the new moon, and as we plant the seeds of intention for the next 4 weeks, there are elements to be reckoned with that might not feel at all pretty or convenient.  However, the uncomfortable elements (shadows, if you will) being unearthed by Mars in Scorpio are truly necessary to our growth and development at this time.  May we let the lightness and global vision of Aquarius steer us towards working with our shadows to connect in deeper ways and take in the bigger picture.  In the words of Maya Angelou, Aquarius knows without a doubt: “The truth is, no one of us can be free until everybody is free.”

If you are seeking an astrologer at this time, I can refer you to 2 amazing astrologers/intuitives in the Seattle area:

*Megan Skinner (www.meganskinner.com)

*Stephanie Gailing (www.planetaryapothecary.com)

Or online, I continue to learn so much from:

*Chani Nicholas (www.chaninicholas.com)

*Ainslie Faust (www.astroainslie.com)

 

Dear Men, my Brothers!

This week I have learned about the existence of a man named Daryush Valizadeh (Roosh V.) who is organizing men world-wide in support of legalizing and condoning the raping of women.  What the fuck.  No, seriously.  WHAT THE FUCK???!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Men, my Brothers, please organize yourselves against this war on women.  Please do not let this man create the definition of “Neomasculinity” or brand “Return of Kings.”

Rise up, Men!  You have to speak, you have to act, you have to be heard and seen.  Yes, you have to listen, but so many of you already know what needs to change.

Supposedly Valizadeh is canceling the events that were planned for this Saturday because of death threats and such.  He has garnered so much attention from all of this, become a media sensation.  So maybe we should all just look away and not give him the attention he is seeking and the sick pleasure of outraging almost everyone who learns of his existence.

But we can’t look away.  We, women, we can’t look away.  I’m tired of looking, believe me.  But I’m more tired of seeing nothing change.  Seeing that the illness of misogyny is alive and well (and not just in the form of Valizadeh and his followers) is making me very, very tired.

Hearing women crying, raging, and grieving the effects of misogyny, but not hearing the voices of men is making me tired.

Men, my Brothers, don’t let this man represent you.  Don’t let the teachings of using your sex as a weapon be cast off as “satire” or cause you to simply label Valizadeh as “crazy” and move on to the next headline.

Please, my Brothers, use your voices, use your hearts, and organize yourselves as the real Kings that you are.  Whatever has gotten in the way of remembering the beauty and power that exists at the core of your being, cast it off now!  Shed the lies constantly!  Look each other square in the eye and remind each other of the honor and responsibility that the entire world so badly needs from you.  And please, please, please, whether or not you have children of your own, shepherd the boys of this world to connect to their own humanity and support their tender and precarious growth.

Every man becomes a reflection to these growing boys.

I’m over it, you guys.  I’m tired.  Let me hear your voices, read your words and feel your presence in this walk toward freedom and safety for each and every one of us.

Lokah Samastah Sukhino Bhavantu

(May all beings everywhere be happy and free)

From the Gospel of Thomas:

“If you bring forth what is within you, what you bring forth will save you. If you do not bring forth what is within you, what you do not bring forth will destroy you.”