Nothingness

 

Nothing lasts forever.

Nothing does.

For nothing is not

A thing that can be kept.

In fact, it is not a thing at all.

It is not a philosophy or a religion.

It is not our core values, or lack thereof.

We know it is not the body.

It is not any of your relationships,

even the ones that break the laws of space and time.

It is not Karma or Destiny.

It is not our feelings or our will.

It is not instinct, nor impulse, nor gravitational pull.

It is not the elements, or made of the elements.

It is not concepts or ideas, or born from them.

Tell me then,

What is it?

The mind seeks resolution,

longing for the union of understanding.

Is it God, is it Energy, is it Love?

Is it Peace, is it Bliss?

Is it Transcendence?

How is Everything contained in Nothing?

The mind is mulling over these thoughts,

like a child with too many toys

Wondering, pondering, yearning

But the answer isn’t given through the head.

*

Follow the chakras down to the base, and hold.

Pull in the second chakra, two inches below the navel.

There is an energy portal at the spine’s foundation.

Back and forth through this gate, the breath moves in waves.

I have only experienced this acutely through yoga; specifically through the spine-strengthening series from the Ghosh lineage.

I am physically taken to the edge, and there is no room for thoughts.

These breaths are the only thing that matters.

Keep the mouth closed so the body can cool down.

Breathe in through the nose, out through the throat.

Lips are closed, jaw is soft, tongue resting on the soft palate.

There is a noise like tunneling wind as air travels through the chambers of the nose, mouth, throat, trachea, lungs.

My breath is the Ocean.

In through the nose, all the way down my spine to the sacrum –

Waves comes in

Flowing down the channel back to the source

Exhale

Waves go out

The pleasure astounds me

Up my spine

Down my legs

Frothy, bubbling, thrilling waves

Invigorating my cells with life

The tide pulls back while the breath is still letting go

Inhaling back to the base

Harnessing the energy

Feasting upon the breath

Building, mounting, filling up

The release happens naturally, without thought

Waves

In letting go, the gift of life is passing through

It is not mine to keep

There is no “me”

There is no “mine”

There is no thing to hold onto.

No thing, at all.

We will live, we will die, we will all cease to exist as who we know ourselves to be.

And the thing that is not a thing, the source of our life energy, will remain

Unstatic

Alive

Conscious

Free

*

 

 

 

 

 

Over It

 

I’ve been feeling riled up and at the end of my rope.  I have my list of reasons why my life is challenging right now.  I have my bag of feelings telling me: this is too hard, I need to find a way out, I can’t do this, I’m failing.  I’m keeping struggle and conflict nearby, like they are part of my identity.

I’m tired.  I’m edgy.  I’m “this close” to biting your head off.

Like a wounded animal, I snarl and back into my cave.  Don’t fuck with me.

I can taste the blood in my mouth, the blood of this heart I’ve been carrying around, and I realize that it is MY heart.  The anger and frustration are in vain because they only lead back to self-sabotage.

Bruises are blooming upon the mind that keeps punching itself.  But once you’re in a downward spiral, none of this matters.  You are drunk on this conviction that THIS IS ALL WRONG.

The blood leaks from the corners of my mouth.

*

I don’t know how to put my heart back in my body.

I don’t know how to find stillness in this world that is so very cracked.

I don’t know how to meet the standards it takes to be a “good mother,” a “good woman,” a “good human being.”

The satisfaction is always a step away, an achievement away, a validation away.

“I’m almost there.”

“I’m going to make it.”

“Everything is going to be okay.”

“My kids are going to turn out fine.”

“Someday, I will find love.”

But this is now.

*

Something in me is crying, because it is right here, and it always has been, and I’m so sorry I’ve forgotten again.  I forgot it about you, and him, and her, and me and all of us.

Help me remember.

Help me find my way back when I’m lost like this.

Will you shine your light on the path that leads to the field that Rumi speaks of?

*

I had a dream last night, full of the usual busy-ness and nonsense.  I had a million obligations.  I felt judged.  I was comparing myself to those around me.  I harbored a list of the 5,642 reasons why I suck.

Suddenly, I was drawn to lie down on a hidden patch of grass, dappled in sunlight.

I lay down.

It was the sweetest thing.

That feeling of failure was so strong and I was so tired from it.

I let myself rest.

I was being given a gift, lying here in the sun.  The chaos of the world was three feet away, but I was offered a respite, a moment of inactivity.

I didn’t earn that moment.

That moment didn’t fix me.

I didn’t escape my whereabouts or my looming obligations.

In that moment, as gave up on trying,

I felt loved.

*

And I was that love.

*

The Balm

The balm is always love.
Whatever it is
Whatever forgetting, the answer remains the same
As soft as the baby’s hands
As necessary as breath
As empty as the space between our cells
Mirroring the space between solid matter
throughout the Cosmos
Which leads to the question:
Is love impartial?
Yes, as Love loves all in all
Love is the response
to Existence
The quietest love
you will ever know.

Genetic Lottery

I’ve been hearing the term “genetic lottery” a lot lately, I don’t know why.  And it irritates me for some reason.  I’m in the line at the grocery store, and my reflection is picture perfect women and Bill Cosby.  I go in nature and my reflection is the trail, trees, wildness and waterfalls.  I wake up with my to-do list of concerns, and my whole day has a pattern of problem-finding.  I wake up in love, and I find beauty in every person, in every surprise, in every “mistake.”

We are all bones and blood and skin.  We all won some kind of lottery.

We bounded to Earth, begging to do this again, to have another shot at experiencing the IS-NESS of this life.  The vast array of wonderment here.

Density.  The senses.  Forgetting and remembering how to love.  Redemption.  Forgiveness.

Energy.

Everything that makes you willing to shed the body again without fear.  Everything that gives impartial existence a bleeding, beating, loving heart —

It all exists on this Earth plane.

Genetic lottery.

Congratulations, you are here.  You made it into form to give this planet everything you are, everything you have.  You contain the precise genetic code that gives you access to the entire Universe.

That place in you, that secret source – that is the gateway to the living water.  It is the entrance and the beginning of that which never dies, that which is changeless, deathless, and has no name and many names simultaneously.

Please share it, for if not in this lifetime, then when??

What are the odds, what are the chances, of being born again into a world of such high stakes and so many options in ways to Play?

The secret is out.

It’s written all over your face!

Everything about you, dear one, is God.

And you are here, wandering star,

to walk yourself Home

*

*

Sat Nam