Unexpected Miracles (Jumping Tracks)

I’ve been busy.

In the past two weeks, I ended a romantic relationship that wasn’t right for me, got fired from my job, and took a major step toward healing my relationship with my father.  “Intense” is an understatement for this combination of life events!

And actually, it happened like a domino effect, with a background of loving support from friends and an inner-seeking that offers much illumination.

I said “no” to the relationship that didn’t feel right for me.  My “no” paved the way for my “Yes.”  Saying “no” to what I don’t want to experience let me say “Yes” to what I do want to experience.  Space and time are not linear, and our conversation with the Universe is about many things all at once.  I wasn’t just saying “no” to that relationship.  I was saying “no” to feeling limited and having my energy zapped.  I was saying “Yes” to freedom and expansion.  I was saying “Yes” to protecting and fostering my juicy, succulent energy.

Lo and behold, one week later I was fired from my job of almost 8 years.  Without going into details, I will simply say that my working there was not in alignment with my “Yes.”  I ended up saying “no” to what I experienced as toxic treatment in the workplace, and my “Yes” was granted in the form of getting fired.

It was a shock and felt traumatic at first.  Fearful thoughts happened:

“This is my livelihood!”

“How will I feed my kids and pay the bills?”

“I’ve failed!” 

But as the tears and fear subsided, I began to feel such energetic lightness that I knew Grace was at work.  The Universe has heard my “Yes” and It is saying “Yes” in return.

Three days after getting fired, an incredibly healing conversation happened with my father.  I have an estranged relationship with him, which has been a source of pain for my almost my whole life.  Healing my relationship with him is a necessary part of my own healing and my own awakening.  I am also realizing, more and more, that I will quite possibly continue to experience shadow-work in my relationships with men while I have unfinished healing with my father.

The Universe heard my “Yes.”

I am simply in awe of these unexpected miracles.

As I observe the unfolding of my soul’s journey, I see how transformative Grace is, and how this transformation can happen in so many ways.

Sometimes, we are simply guided to steer the boat (representing our life and choices) in a different direction – even subtle shifts in navigation will lead us to an entirely different destination.  This can look like changes in how we take care of ourselves, how we operate in relationships, how we prioritize that which matters to us.  This kind of steering is constant, and we are always making adjustments as we journey through our days and nights.

There are other times when we are guided (or sometimes forced) to “jump tracks.”  We still have our boat (our life and choices), but we are being placed in an entirely different set of circumstances, different waters.  This can look like getting fired or quitting a job.  It can look like ending relationships, by choice or not.  It can look like changing residence or giving up addiction, by choice or not.  It can look like losing a loved one.  It can look like surrendering.

As we jump tracks, as we find ourselves IN that process, it is as if we have wings – we are existing without knowing how, without having control, security, stability, constancy.  In these times, a greater change is happening upon our souls than we can fathom with the human mind. 

The beauty in the void of creation, this Darkness if you will, is that it contains

so much energy.  

It is the tide pulling in on itself. 

In these times of jumping tracks, we are offered temporary relief from the dull trappings of ego.  Suddenly, we DON’T know what’s going to happen next, how it’s all going to play out, or what our new tracks will be.  We can panic and freak out, cry and resist – all of these are valid emotions when faced with change.

The thing to remember is that it is ALL energy.

As the mind quiets, as the ego takes a rest, we are witness to the incredible POTENTIAL of this time.  Life energy is living, changing, dying and being reborn – perpetually evolving and teeming with possibilities.

As I find myself in this space, all I can think to ask for is this:

“Great Spirit, use me to my full potential.

I am a vessel for Your light.

You are my shepherd and I am Your lamb.

You are the lover, and I the beloved.”

 

Blessed be!

*

Shadow Men

The men of shadows like me

Because I know how to dance in their dark streets with my light

and I am unafraid of their secrets

Out of curiosity, compulsion and naivety

I have wandered into their inner chambers

Craving the pull, but all the while a sinking feeling

and trying to ignore it

Craving the story

‘cause I saw it in a movie

And every form of media

and residual karma

*

But it doesn’t take long

for the windows to disappear

and for the reek of loneliness to fill the stale air

Your internal temperature gets colder,

the closer you get to a man like this

And when you arrive as far as he will let you in

you might feel lost while looking at your reflection

*

What were you seeking when you traveled so far away

from safety and from love?

An experience that leaves your soul feeling weathered and torn

rather than comforted and cared for?

You knew –

it would end this way

leave you feeling this way

You knew,

but something drew you in

and you wanted the poison instead of the Prasad

*

Like a Siren’s call, you were called

to these shadow men

The Everything in you trying to understand itself

Feeling yourself the lowest of the low,

you ate garbage and developed

sunken eyes

Yet still, somehow you managed

to preserve your ember

while entering the mouth of the Wolf

That place where you have to die to survive

and break your promises or at least

omit the truth

Lest everything you love get stolen

broken or desecrated

That place will forever remind you

that things can always get worse

And you must find your way out of this mess

*

Your breath becomes shallow

A listlessness begins choking you

You are defeated by the lies you kept telling yourself,

now disappointing and shabby in the light of day

While the good people of the world

have coffee and dreams and commitments they love to keep

You have this –

shadow to reckon with

And you feel tired

like you spent all night digging yourself

another grave

*

*

Time, great healer

Wash me in your Ocean

Ring me out like the robes you will have me wear

when I meet you at last, for tea

*

*

She walks alone and alone

She walks alone and not alone

She stops pretending to know everything and she becomes

a beginner, what an honor

She left the dark streets

and dark avenues

full of tempting, lurking shadow men

The ones who made her look angelic,

if only for a little while

She found this path, instead

High into the mountains

Take off your shoes

*

The Gurus appear in her dreams

when she walks this way

up the many steps

in the misty grey morning

Up the many steps,

she is visually hydrated

by the bright green moss and wild foliage,

all covered with dew

The moist, cool air

filling her nostrils with the fragrance of clean, dark earth

Tiny white flowers

singing praises with her crumbling identity

and ecstatic heart

*

Oh Deathless One,

these shadow men

They just can’t light my fire

like You

*