The monster is here. In all our hearts. Unavoidable. An energetic expression. As innocent as everything else, in the ultimate sense.
We’ve all seen its face. The reflection that we want to destroy or deny. Those parts of ourselves and others that we hold out on a limb proclaiming: “This aspect of creation is not part of our Tree of Life!”
We’ve all witnessed it as our own undoing, something we never wanted to become. Our formulas for creating a personal hell are endless, each and every one a path of wandering away from conscious union with Source.
Each and every one a potential story of redemption and love that is so great, one might never wander away again.
We walk these paths of shadows and light, sometimes illumined by others, and sometimes bringing illumination from our very core, as the deathless Phoenix rises from ashes in any being who will open up to this resurrection.
The monster can only be tamed by that very one deep inside. No one else can ever do it for you (though calling on Angels, Gurus, Guides and messengers will undoubtedly offer a quickening). Your monster is your own. Your very own gatekeeper, you could say, on your amazing journey home.
I recently went through a period of intense trial.
During this time, I began to truly feel and internally “see” the shape of my soul. Just a slender oval of light filling the trunk of my body, from the 1st chakra at the base to just above the 4th chakra at the heart center. It was with some excitement that it dawned on me – the heart is the brain of the soul!
A loose translation of the Tibetan mantra “Om Mane Padme Hum” is this:
May the jewel of the mind reside in the lotus of the heart
Yes! Yes, yes, yes, yes.
This does not discredit the mind, or our tendency to think that the brain is the home of the soul. Not at all.
It is as if the body of the soul (existing within the trunk), is like the chariot which Arjuna rides upon with Krishna in the Bhagavad-gita. And then we have the reins, running through the 5th chakra at the throat center, our place of speech, truth and expression.
And then, we have the horses.
The horses are the senses, and our perception of the senses. The horses are the mind. The horses will take this chariot anywhere it wants to go, but the one driving the chariot must be intelligent and have a good grip on the reins in order to get those horses to act intelligently themselves!
The heart-mind must wake up. The heart-mind IS intelligent, inherently, but so often we keep it asleep or dismiss its cries.
But it is talking. It knows what it really wants to DO in life. It knows how it wants to be treated. It knows – just like the trees and the grass and the animals – that its existence is whole, complete and valid. And it feels things that can be inconvenient for the mind to reckon with.
The heart-mind is a place of acceptance. Even when it hurts. Even when the monster inside is thrashing about. Even when the mind wants to die. Even when the shattered glass of what you wanted and what you didn’t get is falling like heavy rain. Even when you find yourself at the bottom of it all, floating around the muddy confusion of needing to grow.
The soul rejoices at these times. For it sees you coming home. Just like the prodigal son returning to his father, we return to our souls like that and there is joy in heaven and on earth.
Here, in this place, with the monster. With any and all unresolved trauma. With the tired sadness of lost hope. With a growing flicker of willingness, to dive below this seeming bottom, straight into the mud, remembering the one who gives birth, and digging roots deep into her.
Here she will incubate us. Show us how far to go, how much depth is needed to sustain this beautiful lotus – the lotus of the heart-mind.
NO MUD, NO LOTUS
Sat Nam. Much love. May your soul take the journey it has always wanted to make.
We are being called to give darshan (infinite blessing) to all of the un-healed parts of ourselves.
We are being asked not to wait any longer.
There is no use hiding or pretending, so stop now lest you deprive yourself of precious moments.
The Lord of Love is here to
Cleanse your soul
The Lord of Love seeks your
The Lord of Love only desires your
pure, uncensored heart.
And this is why you must surrender everything,
Everything you wish to keep
And everything you wish to be free from.
Remember that the ego wants to own many things, even (and sometimes especially) suffering.
The Lord of Love says GIVE IT ALL TO ME.
There is an ever-present Love and it is seeping into all the beautiful cracks within the mind’s attempt to block out the brightness of Truth.
There is a power called Grace and it is working ceaselessly to dismantle all illusions, cutting Truth from untruth.
As the soul undergoes this polishing, one may experience immense grief, as if someone close to us has died — and truly, there is a death as we allow falsehood to fall away.
When ego mind is shattered, one can only wave the white flag.
When the illusion of self/other is slain, one can only accept.
Throughout all of this,
God is simply sharpening the peaks and valleys
of the Grand Design
through this lens, this experience.
And truly, the Creator is living
This life, as you – me – us – them, right now.
This is the most humbling thing I know.
There are no others. ~ Sri Ramana Maharishi
The Supreme Being exists ceaselessly, in all things.
The seed of potential for Self-Realization exists in each one of us, relentlessly.
The seed of Bliss.
The seed of Peace.
The seed of Love.
The Supreme Being IS the True Self.
Formless, Ageless, Genderless, Deathless…
Omnipotent and Omniscient.
So many of us are trained from a young age, whether from our families or society at large, that God’s omniscience means that we should feel shame, guilt and fear for our humanness, our mistakes, our “bad” thoughts and behaviors. Kind of like the old-school Santa story: “He sees you when you’re sleeping, he knows when you’re awake. He knows if you’ve been bad or good, so be good for goodness sake!” I know I’m not alone when I say that the words to this common Christmas song are pretty creepy, and they give the idea of “omniscience” a bad rep.
Let’s get over the old-school Santa-God story, and step into the light.
The Supreme Being is All-Knowing, All-Seeing, Ever-Present, Self-Existent.
The Supreme Being exists in a state of Kindness beyond our comprehension.
If anyone has had experiences with Angels, or dreams with Angels, or are curious if you have (you probably have) – you will recognize them by their kindness. The energy of an Angel is completely accepting and supportive. Angels are masters of alchemy; an Angel can sit with you in your deepest pain and transform it into Love. Angels are teachers and protectors. Angels carry the message of Cosmic Bliss, and our hearts are filled with joy, humor and pleasure in their presence.
Angels are like tentacles for God.
Call It by any Name.
Just as all rivers lead back to the Ocean, all Names will bring us to the Source of our awareness, the Supreme Being.
The Supreme Being is flooding through the hands and hearts of the ones wearing white helmets in Aleppo.
God’s love is like this – going into all the places where no one else can or will.
The Supreme Being exists in a state of perfect compassion with the women and girls who are choosing death instead of rape and brutality.
The Supreme Being is shooting rays of hope out of the eyes of small children, hungry and traumatized, staring into the lens of a camera with curiosity and wonder – sending a message to all of humanity via the world wide web.
The Supreme Being exists behind my crumbling heart, as I know not what to do.
As I am constantly reminded so deeply that “my” suffering is a story that is being unraveled, unveiled and unencumbered from my soul. The wheel of Karma that I have been riding is the same wheel that we all ride on, and the only way to change the fate is to stop telling the story of suffering.
That doesn’t mean stop thinking about it.
Don’t watch the news.
My loves, dear hearts.
Tell a different story with me.
Put on your white helmet.
Be the Angel.
Don’t give up on anyone.
Don’t give up on ANYONE.
Life is too short for anything but loving.
The story is always unraveling,
unraveling as we tell it.
May your heart be pierced like a pearl on the string of God’s necklace.
Lies somewhere in the middle
Let me find that place
Between what I want
And what you want
A sense of urgency to fix what is broken
What is un-healed
Or maybe underneath it
Let me sit with you
Hold your hand
And just feel what is
The bitch is back and she is sexy as fuck. The bitch knows what she wants. She can feel it, it is visceral. She knows truth instantaneously. And guess what folks, it’s not all roses out there.
The bitch is going to call shit like it is. If it smells like shit: She is going to say something.
There are a few good men out there, backing up this bitch.
I would say, in this day and age, that men of color are more likely to “get it” when it comes to knowing how to support a woman who is knowing her own strength, knowing herself as a bitch. Not “somebody’s” bitch, her own Bitch – y’all hear what I’m saying, right?
But, you know, it’s just a potential – and I’m partial to where I grew up and live now: the West Coast of the USA. In so many ways, I speak to my own narrow perspective when I call out men of color as leaders of what might be known as “The Men’s Movement” in this country. But listen, anyone reading…it’s gotta start somewhere. It’s gotta start. The male gender as a whole needs a big Heart Resuscitation.
Lately, I’ve been saddened and shaken by the numbness among men – I see it so starkly in men my own age, late thirties early forties…. Like I can’t even relate to their cynicism. But, you know, age is just a number, and I’ve seen it revealed in men much older as well. So clueless!
But – we must ask ourselves – where are the role models for men?
Like Charles Manson?
So and so’s father who did this and that?
So and so’s husband who beat her?
And men, so many men all over the globe,
They feel so unloved, and so isolated
And so completely unsure of themselves
Unwilling to humble themselves
Before the true self
Unwilling to let their frozen hearts
. . .
Will you stop
. . .
I’m going to tell you
To give everything you can
To this Earth
And the women
And the children
Of this land
And the water
. . .
I tell you
Men of the Earth
Now is the time
To become the most chivalrous
You have ever imagined a Man to be
. . .
Rise up Men
The Women of the Earth
Are calling you
To stand for what is right
. . .
. . .
And another thing,
If you have “mommy” issues
Or “daddy” issues
Call on the Great Mother
Call on the Earth and her Water
Call on all the Love buried inside you,
Aching to be alive in the world.
Call on the Great Father
All of Space and Time
Call on the Light within,
Your suffering will become your very Guru
In the light of Illumination
In the light of Love.
. . .
. . .
We are in the season of change. The eclipses in September worked upon us in many varied ways – opening new doors, closing others, bringing about surprises, births, deaths, unions and separations.
Many of us have been pushed outside the box of our comfort zone. Many of us are exhausted and just looking for some peace and quiet from all this noise, all this insanity, all these layers of challenging issues that we face as individuals and as a global community.
In October, the flavor of Fall is all around us; the daylight fading a little sooner, the air getting chillier, the wind blowing leaves and blowing our thoughts toward coffee shops and scarves and comfort food and warmth.
This year, we have the added anticipation of November’s U.S. presidential election. Tensions are high, egos are ignited, nerves are shot and patience is thin. We are faced with one of the most absurd political campaigns in history, and the voices calling for change are murmuring louder and louder, like a deep underground river that is rising and rising, preparing to dismantle every system of injustice.
This month’s Full Moon is exact on Saturday, October 15th, at 9:23 pm PDT. La Luna reveals her fullness to us in the sign of Aries, the Ram. The Sun in Libra is highlighting the area in our lives that really strives for balance and harmony, as well as beauty and connection. Jupiter began his year-long journey in Libra on September 9th, and he is EXPANDING and supporting and enhancing that area of our lives because that is the generous nature of Jupiter.
Aries is Libra’s opposite, and he brings the attention back to the “self” and to accomplishment. Aries is driven, masculine and a total powerhouse. He is ruled by Mars, whereas Libra is ruled by Venus. Aries is the pioneer, the leader, the fire-starter. Libra seeks relationship, refinement and romance. As Cardinal signs, Libra and Aries are both generators, initiators, trend-setters and very ambitious.
Uranus (retrograde in Aries and conjunct the Full Moon) gives an added dimension of rebellion and wildness to this month’s astrology. Uranus represents liberation, equality, and the higher mind. Uranus has no problem using the power of destruction to “level the playing field.” If it isn’t working well for the good of all, let’s break it apart and build it over again in a new way! This is the mindset of Uranus.
Uranus remains retrograde in Aries until December 29th of this year, which is also the New Moon. This feels like a very special introduction to 2017!
When the planet of transcendence and higher mind turns direct at 20° Aries, we might experience some closure or some continuing of things that were happening back in April of this year, when Uranus was last transiting through 20-21° Aries. Pay attention to this part of your chart; which house does Aries rule for you, and do you have planets or significant aspects around 20° Aries? You might be experiencing some monumental shifts in personal areas of your life, and we are bound to see this reflected in the larger landscape of global relations and leadership.
Aside from this Saturday’s Full Moon, we can look forward to Venus, the planet of beauty and pleasure, moving into Sagittarius for almost a month of frolicky fun! Venus enters the sign of the Archer at 12:01 am PDT, this Tuesday October 18th. This is a lovely combination, as Jupiter is the ruler of adventurous Sag, and no one makes Venus shine brighter than the benevolent Jupiter. The energies of Jupiter and Venus are quite harmonious and bestow good fortune. Jupiter spending a year in Libra, who is ruled by Venus, is another, longer-term formation of the angelic Venus-Jupiter connection.
May the blessing of this Full Moon bestow you with the courage and the fortitude needed during times of change! May you hold your loved ones close, and may you also hold your sweet self with compassion for this human journey. May you allow your own consciousness to be the change so needed in the world.
Blessings and Light!
Hey, hey, hey Moonbabies….
Many technical delays have been happening in my world – thank you Mercury retrograde!
Nevertheless, I am called to share with you, even if it is after the fact.
The Full Moon in Pisces was exact today at 12:05 pm PDT, and the lunar eclipse was exact at 11:54 am PDT (24 degrees Pisces).
Full Moons are always intensifying, and when a lunar eclipse happens simultaneously (about twice a year), we have the opportunity to ride the waves of transformation with awareness and willingness. We might even feel like we simply have no other choice: it is time to surrender.
The message Spirit has given me with this Moon is to stop, slow down and listen. Talk less. Listen and receive. There is no need to spin any webs of fantasy, expectation or projection. Notice what is. Notice the likes and dislikes. Notice the attractions and aversions. Notice.
The quality and texture of our senses are valid and important and make up the truth of our current experience. Inner knowing, gut feeling, intuition, dreams, emotions and physical response are all sacred. All ways of knowing ourselves.
Pisces, the sign of mutable water, is all about feeling and intuition. She is the ultimate empath. She presides over dreams and subconscious desires. As the universal ruler of the 12th house, she leads us through the passage of mystical transformation. She is represented in her glyph as two fish swimming in opposite directions, much like a Yin/Yang symbol.
Pisces rules one of the twelve houses in your natal chart, and with an eclipse (lunar or solar), it is especially helpful to know where the full Moon or new Moon is happening for you personally.
For me, Pisces rules my 10th house of career, where my natal Moon dwells. All I’m gonna say is — YUP! I am experiencing major and transformative growth and change in my career. It’s exciting – and I’m not striving and pushing and reaching for it. The Universe is handing it to me like a beautiful baton – and every time I drop the baton or shy away from it, the Universe places it back firmly in my hand.
The Moon is the emotional self, the inner wisdom and our feminine nature (for both men and women). The natal Moon speaks to your emotional needs, where you feel safe and where you are deeply connected to Source energy.
May you honor your natal Moon daily and nightly, not just with the full Moon or new Moon calling your awareness.
One of my great teachers often tells us to “Pause and feel….” after chanting a mantra together.
May we do this pausing and this feeling. This listening. This noticing.
Something very magical is happening underneath all the chatter of the mind.
Beyond the pressure of expectations and the bombardment of stimulation – we begin to notice our true nature.
May you know yourself as one with Great Spirit.
Moon photo credit: Michael Ludwig 9/15/16
The New Moon in Virgo (exact at 2:03 am PDT on September 1st) brings issues of health, daily routines and work relationships to the spotlight. Both Sun and Moon join at 9° Virgo to create the second and final solar eclipse of 2016.
Virgo encourages order and efficiency. She is often described as the “Mary Poppins” of the zodiac – practically perfect. She is mutable earth; she helps us transform through improvement. She helps us make to-do lists and organize the clutter. She helps us purge and get rid of the things we don’t need. Throw it away, give it away, or sell it – now is the time!
Virgo likes schedules and planning. Ever analytical, she is ruled by Mercury, the planet of intellect and discernment. We see this in the very cerebral and organized approach that Virgo takes to being in the body.
Virgo promotes self-care. She likes to clean and groom the body, just as much as she appreciates a tidy home and a clean car. For Virgo, this is about self-respect and wellness, not being flashy or fancy.
Virgo relates to the abdomen, gallbladder and intestines. Many of us find ourselves more apt to pay attention to issues regarding our digestion and our diet during “Virgo season” (August 22nd – September 22nd), while the Sun is lighting up Virgo in the zodiac.
Back to the eclipse:
We talk a lot about Moon cycles (of course), as well as the cycles of the other personal planets (Sun, Mercury, Venus, Mars, Jupiter and Saturn). We touch on the cycles here and there about the generational planets (Uranus, Neptune, Pluto). And eclipses have their own cycles, and their own method of impacting our lives.
The eclipses happen 4-6 times/year between pairs of opposite signs. We are currently experiencing the Pisces/Virgo axis, which began back in March 2015 and will finish up in February 2017.
Each pair of opposing signs remains highlighted during an eclipse cycle for 18 to 24 months. Unlike planets and asteroids, which are moving “forward” through the signs (unless they are in a retrograde cycle), the eclipses are gradually moving “backward” through the signs upon their axis. The Aries/Libra axis turned into the Pisces/Virgo axis, which will then turn into the Aquarius/Leo axis.
As the Pisces/Virgo axis has been taking over, the Aries/Libra axis has been loosening. We experienced the last eclipse on the Aries/Libra axis on 3/23/16 (it was a lunar eclipse/full moon at 3° Libra). 2015/2016 have been big years for those of us who strongly identify with the signs Pisces, Virgo, Aries or Libra.
Identifying with a zodiac sign is not dependent on your natal Sun being in that sign. Our Ascendant and Moon signs are just as important as our Sun sign when we think of “who we are” and what zodiac traits we are going to personify and connect to. The other thing to pay attention to is where your “clusters” are. For example, I have a huge portion of my chart clustered into the sign of Libra, which rules my 5th house. The cluster happens to include my Venus, Pluto, North Node and Sun.
Astrology is so layered, and yet so simple. I highly recommend taking a look at what is being affected for you on the Pisces/Virgo axis and how you can work with these transformative eclipses. See my recommendations below for my two favorite Western astrologers in the Seattle area.
One of the other major things that is happening with this New Moon/solar eclipse is Mercury Retrograde – DUN DUN DUN DUUUNNNN!
Mercury went retrograde 2 days ago on August 30th at 6:04 am PDT at 29° Virgo.
Now, relax. Pay attention to what you’re doing and saying (Mercury retrogrades will often bring issues of communication to the surface, as Mercury rules communication, intellect, transportation and technology). But Mercury goes retrograde 3-4 times/year, more than any other planet in our solar system. It’s nothing we haven’t dealt with before.
That said, with this retrograde, Mercury will be calling us to review issues relating to Virgo (health, work, duties, punctuality, efficiency), as well as issues relating to the house Virgo rules for you personally in your natal chart. Due to the retrograde, Mercury will remain in Virgo for just over 2 months, which is a long time for Mercury to be in one sign.
Mercury is being supported right now by expansive Jupiter (who is hanging out at 28° Virgo), but Jupiter will be joining Venus in Libra in just a few days on September 9th. By then, Venus will be at 13° Libra, but I can see the energy from September 9th – September 23rd (when Venus crosses over into Scorpio) as having great potential for romance as Venus is especially powerful in Libra, Taurus and Pisces. Venus is the planet of love, beauty, art, sensuality and all things related to the divine feminine. She is the singular ruler of both Libra and Taurus; those signs are her domiciles. She is exalted in the dreamy sign of Pisces, and her “fall” (her detriment) is in the sign of pragmatic Virgo.
The recent Mercury/Venus/Jupiter conjunction at 27-28° Virgo was beautiful and potentially intense (especially for those who identify strongly with Virgo, or who have significant planets/aspects around the late degrees of Virgo). However, now that Venus is roaming free in Libra (as of 8/29 at 7:07 pm PDT), she can really start to do her magic. And when benevolent Jupiter joins her in Libra, he simply expands her potential.
Both Jupiter and Venus are known as the most “supportive” planets besides the Sun and the Moon in terms of their astrological influence. They are the ones making our lives easier, while planets like Mars and Saturn are supposed to challenge us, ideally for our growth and not our detriment!
Allow the supportive energies to work with you where they need to.
Allow the challenging energies to do their thing.
Allow transformation to happen, on any and every level that you are willing to receive it.
Allow yourself to be the master creator of this thing called “your life.”
May the organized and health-focused energy of Virgo work with you as you create your master plan, deep clean your home, re-commit to your health and tackle your to-do list. Let her busy and prudent nature invigorate you and prepare you for the change of season.
Go within and get very quiet at some point today. Let the New Moon plant her own seeds in you.
You don’t have to do anything.
Namaste and Dark Moon Blessings
~ Misfit Mystic
For those looking for an astrologer in the Seattle area, I highly recommend my teachers:
Stephanie Gailing @ http://www.stephaniegailing.com
Megan Skinner @ http://www.meganskinner.com
I can also be reached for natal chart and synastry readings. Please contact me at email@example.com to inquire.
A friend and I have been discussing the experience of facing the truth – in relationships, in the world, in how we show up as ourselves or not as ourselves, in how we treat our bodies, in how we treat those close to us, and in how we experience the inner-voice.
First of all, any message – within our own minds, from the media, from a lover or a friend or a group or a cause or a family member or a psychic or a guru or a teacher or a guardian – any message we receive that tells us we are inherently bad, or “they” are inherently bad – is bullshit.
In so many ways – we must re-learn how to trust our gut.
If the message feels bad, that’s our first cue to check it out.
Why does it feel bad?
Before having another beer or going shopping or watching porn or yelling at someone or going cold inside or eating too much or driving too fast or having disconnected sex or making another compromise or going after more money or proving your point — pause for a minute and ask: Why do I feel bad right now? What is the feeling inside that I’m trying to get away from? What is it, and what is it telling me?
Is it uneasy?
Is it hard to pinpoint?
Is it grotesque?
Does it contrast (at all) with the feeling of being inherently OK?
Does it derail me (even a little) from knowing that I am good?
What is this feeling that is telling me to escape?
Don’t feel this this.
What is this feeling that keeps me from letting myself pause?
For many of us, pausing will feel uncomfortable, especially if we’re out of practice.
Pausing can feel downright irritating, painful or even horrifying.
Like the whole house of cards might come crashing down.
These illusions about what we are chasing and what we are running away from….they might not survive the fire of awareness that exists in one singular pause.
Pausing and noticing will often sound like a terrible idea (or even a terribly boring idea) when there is inner work waiting patiently for us to show up and buckle up.
For me personally, I don’t know how I would be able to handle the inner work at all without the experience of Guru, without my beloved chant teacher, without the healing love from family and a few close friends. Although I have been blessed with my share of struggles, I also recognize that my soul was drawn to certain experiences to lead me to Guru, which I understand as Supreme Consciousness and Bliss. Less of me and more of That, please.
And yet, I continue to find myself faced with experiences of needing to create boundaries, dealing with ego, finding out how to become more truthful within myself, how to change patterns, how to pause when I feel angry, how to pause when my heart is closed, how to pause when I feel doubt.
When we follow any train of thought that derails us from knowing that we are (inherently) OK, that we are (inherently) good, and that we are (in fact) the embodiment of pure love — we naturally want to escape.
Because want to feel better.
And because somewhere, deep inside, we know that those self-destructive thoughts are simply NOT TRUE.
Even our subconscious mind is pulling us back to recognizing our essential nature, and even in our ignorance we are chiseling away at uncovering the true brilliance that is our birthright.
Even self-sabotaging behavior is another way of trying to feel better. We want to distract ourselves from the real pain and the real feelings by creating alternate overwhelming feelings or numbness to feelings. We are pulling the wool over our own eyes.
The common self-sabotaging behaviors that are discussed widely include: remaining in abusive relationships, seeking out abusive relationships, food/eating disorders, cutting, alcohol/substance addiction, gambling addiction, porn addiction, you-name-it addiction, etc., etc.
But it can also look like not speaking our truth in our relationships, and even in our day-to-day dealings with people. It can look like all the little transgressions that we don’t speak up about, that we settle for, that we perpetuate. It can look like staying on the surface of things and sweeping important issues under the rug.
Smiling when we feel like shit inside.
This kind of self-sabotage, or what I call “self-gaslighting,” can look like experiencing jealousy and not talking about it because I’m not supposed to feel jealousy. Because feeling jealous is not very cool or evolved or hot or sexy or mature or kind or whatever it is I’m supposed to be.
If I hold that energy inside, I don’t feel good. If I go into denial about having jealous feelings, I’m suppressing my own awareness. The more I attempt to numb out to that feeling, the more I am derailing myself. The mind will likely chip in a few thoughts of condemnation (like “wow, you are so weak for having this feeling” or even “you’re so self-absorbed for feeling jealous; someone more evolved wouldn’t have that problem”). This kind of situation can become its own catch-22, full of feeling bad about feeling bad!
Anyone who has allowed self-defeating thoughts to derail them a lot or a little will relate to the rabbit hole of self-criticism we can wander into — the checklist of failures appears and suddenly the proof is all there for the various ways that we have somehow not measured up.
In a situation that happened earlier this year, an experience of Grace occurred when I was staying out at my friend’s house on the island. I had gone there to clear my head and my heart and reground. It was late, and I was lying in bed under clean sheets in a room that is filled with my Guru’s energy. Suddenly, I was prompted to energetically pull all of the love that I had been giving back into myself, and I could reach back for years or even lifetimes and pull all that love and all that effort into my current self, the one experiencing the suffering of jealousy.
The love of my ancestors was also present, like love attracting more of itself and pulling even greater love into the receptive vessel that is my heart. My Gurus and my Angels were in the room, as well. It was truly bright, and I have never felt so protected.
I suddenly realized: I can trust myself.
I can constantly turn to this Love that is completely free and ever-available.
All I have to do is open my heart to receive it.
I went to sleep content that night, knowing I didn’t have to be or do anything to be cradled by the Infinite experience of Love. Knowing…in truth….I am That.
And when I woke up, guess what?
The work was still waiting for me. It was still necessary to deal with that icky feeling. It hadn’t quite left yet.
I feel ugly.
I feel less than whole.
I feel less worthy.
I feel unloved.
I feel abandoned, rejected, lonely, scared.
I feel out of control.
I feel blah blah blah.
It doesn’t matter if I’m in a relationship or not.
I don’t actually need another person to fix this for me.
I need to hear an inner voice (the voice of Truth) say:
I love you.
Your outer identity is not you.
Your experiences are not you.
Your feelings and thoughts are not you.
The life within you is good.
The life within you is sacred.
You are more than OK.
And if you ARE in relationship, having these feelings – hopefully both you and your partner have the bandwidth to hold space for each other when jealousy or other sticky-tricky emotions come up.
When we allow ourselves to be vulnerable enough to share our truth, however awkward and shadowy it may be, we are honoring the is-ness of our state of being.
When others receive us with love and kindness in our vulnerability, they are also honoring the is-ness of our state of being.
Most likely this comes from their ability to honor themselves.
For me personally, telling my shadows to be quiet and invisible has never actually worked.
Telling my uncomfortable feelings and my intuition to shut-up was the self-gaslighting that let me stay in more than one shitty relationship.
It is quite possible to drive yourself mad through self-gaslighting.
If you have forgotten that you are OK, don’t run and don’t go numb, just pause and feel for a moment.
Most of us don’t transform our lives and behaviors overnight.
It becomes a series of remembering, bringing our attention back to the truth of our nature, which is goodness and effortlessly deserving of love.
If I am full of bad feelings, I can pause.
I might cry or breathe or cuddle my cat or pray or call somebody or go into a process of self-inquiry, with real curiosity and non-judgement.
From a more loving place, I might still drink a beer or eat more ice cream. But I might enjoy it more. I might have less desperate and escapist feelings about it. I might even consciously free myself of any thought that is not compassionate, kind and loving toward myself.
Eventually, I might not even go for the ice cream or the beer.
But that won’t make me a better person.
The objective is love.
If I can love myself more, as I wake up daily to this thing called life…then I know I am on the right track.
Grace be with you.