Shakti needs Shiva.
Shiva teaches Shakti how to exist in form.
Shiva needs Shakti.
Shakti teaches Shiva how to exist as pure energy.
I am the Shiva lingam.
I am consciousness in form.
I am Shakti.
At the beginning of this year, the body I reside in began to show signs of her kundalini awakening.
I have walked a meandering spiritual path since the age of 20, diving in and out of different spiritual traditions, seeking always seeking.
The seeking eventually led me to the transformative power of dedicated mantra practice.
Once I really took hold of this practice, the slow “identity crisis” I had been experiencing for the last several years became all-consuming. What I mean by “identity crisis” is the dissolution of identifying with the “small self” – the persona, the ego, the physical body, the possessions or lack there of, the career, the history, the reputation, the assumed identity.
All I wanted was for the Lord of Love to CUT OFF MY HEAD, release me from the bondage of egoic attachments and burn away everything that is false and not of my true nature.
Just like Rumi spoke of, even concepts like “my this” or “my that” really didn’t hold up anymore, the more I tapped on the awareness of being both nothing and everything, non-separate from all that exists in and out of creation.
(Language is a barrier sometimes)
Basically, I was rushing toward my own karmic clearing, my delivery to the zero point.
The karmic clearing came in the form of a freak-accident injury that kept me out of work for a month, and a terrible heartache when my lover admitted to a great betrayal.
The injury was painful and very inconvenient, but I could hear my Guru’s voice and see his innocent smile: “I GIFT YOU!” he kept saying. You have to experience this Guru to know how charming and disarming he can be. And truly, he speaks the truth.
A karmic clearing is always a gift, and it is always in favor of our soul expansion.
In this dimension, it is impossible to fully see and understand the intricacies of perfection in each of our journeys.
When the admission of betrayal came from my lover, after quite a huge mind-fuck, I couldn’t see the gift.
There was only PAIN.
Ebbing and flowing, gushing, fresh, stagnant, old, inescapable, compressing my insides, this is killing me, Lord help me, I want off this ride.
The heart had to do intense tapas, you might say.
Lying on a bed of nails.
Being trampled my horses.
Dragged across hot coals.
Sliced and minced and cooked and served to hungry, wanting souls.
I felt every sensation and they all felt like death.
And yet, the real heart continued beating – alive and purified inside of Shiva’s flame.
The thing I thought would kill me, didn’t.
The thing that could have closed my heart, didn’t.
The door will not shut, even wrenching pain cannot shut it.
My will to shut out the light has been stolen by the Thief.
The lover who betrayed me got jealous at one point in our relationship, when another man was pursuing me. We were barely hanging on, but we stayed together; apparently our karma wasn’t finished yet.
This lover sent me a letter during that time, expressing his offense that some other man would get to touch the body that HE made electric. My body. MY body. Mine.
And yet – with a limited attachment to form, I couldn’t take in the egoic nature of his words at that time. I had him on a pedestal of sorts, I loved him like he was flesh of my flesh, and when our time together came to its inevitable end, I felt like my own unborn child was being ripped out of my womb.
This man I had come to understand as my twin flame had been deceiving me for the majority of our relationship.
My consent in the relationship vanished the moment the deception began.
Part of my soul mission at this time seems to be the willingness to CLAIM my identity, my emotions, my desires, my lessons and yes….my body.
This body is electric.
In and of her own accord.
Due to her own sublime timing.
Owing credit to no one except the Shakti that flows through her like a river, rinsing out all the lies and confusion, all the oppressive programming and attempts to keep her controlled.
Shakti flows through this body like little earthquakes, cascading and cascading, riding up the spine and exploding through the heart again and again and again.
Just a thought can bring about a “heart orgasm.”
A fully clothed hug from the divine masculine can hold space for this live wire, this body electric.
All is Grace in the timing of our awakening.
God is singing a gentle morning song (yes, sometimes shouting it), and it is the God-Realized One within that must decide to awaken. The song is exactly tuned to the vibration we can recognize. The holes are being precisely drilled in the flute that is your soul.
I am the Shiva lingam, consciousness as form.
I am Shakti, consciousness as pure sacred energy.
“I” do not exist as the identity of the woman I reside in.
“I” cannot be killed, destroyed, ruined or even betrayed.
This body electric is awake.
This heart-mind is awake.
“I GIFT YOU,” says my Guru.
I smile a tiny Mona Lisa smile.
He speaks the truth.