A friend and I have been discussing the experience of facing the truth – in relationships, in the world, in how we show up as ourselves or not as ourselves, in how we treat our bodies, in how we treat those close to us, and in how we experience the inner-voice.
First of all, any message – within our own minds, from the media, from a lover or a friend or a group or a cause or a family member or a psychic or a guru or a teacher or a guardian – any message we receive that tells us we are inherently bad, or “they” are inherently bad – is bullshit.
In so many ways – we must re-learn how to trust our gut.
If the message feels bad, that’s our first cue to check it out.
Why does it feel bad?
Before having another beer or going shopping or watching porn or yelling at someone or going cold inside or eating too much or driving too fast or having disconnected sex or making another compromise or going after more money or proving your point — pause for a minute and ask: Why do I feel bad right now? What is the feeling inside that I’m trying to get away from? What is it, and what is it telling me?
Is it uneasy?
Is it hard to pinpoint?
Is it grotesque?
Does it contrast (at all) with the feeling of being inherently OK?
Does it derail me (even a little) from knowing that I am good?
What is this feeling that is telling me to escape?
Don’t feel this this.
What is this feeling that keeps me from letting myself pause?
For many of us, pausing will feel uncomfortable, especially if we’re out of practice.
Pausing can feel downright irritating, painful or even horrifying.
Like the whole house of cards might come crashing down.
These illusions about what we are chasing and what we are running away from….they might not survive the fire of awareness that exists in one singular pause.
Pausing and noticing will often sound like a terrible idea (or even a terribly boring idea) when there is inner work waiting patiently for us to show up and buckle up.
For me personally, I don’t know how I would be able to handle the inner work at all without the experience of Guru, without my beloved chant teacher, without the healing love from family and a few close friends. Although I have been blessed with my share of struggles, I also recognize that my soul was drawn to certain experiences to lead me to Guru, which I understand as Supreme Consciousness and Bliss. Less of me and more of That, please.
And yet, I continue to find myself faced with experiences of needing to create boundaries, dealing with ego, finding out how to become more truthful within myself, how to change patterns, how to pause when I feel angry, how to pause when my heart is closed, how to pause when I feel doubt.
When we follow any train of thought that derails us from knowing that we are (inherently) OK, that we are (inherently) good, and that we are (in fact) the embodiment of pure love — we naturally want to escape.
Because want to feel better.
And because somewhere, deep inside, we know that those self-destructive thoughts are simply NOT TRUE.
Even our subconscious mind is pulling us back to recognizing our essential nature, and even in our ignorance we are chiseling away at uncovering the true brilliance that is our birthright.
Even self-sabotaging behavior is another way of trying to feel better. We want to distract ourselves from the real pain and the real feelings by creating alternate overwhelming feelings or numbness to feelings. We are pulling the wool over our own eyes.
The common self-sabotaging behaviors that are discussed widely include: remaining in abusive relationships, seeking out abusive relationships, food/eating disorders, cutting, alcohol/substance addiction, gambling addiction, porn addiction, you-name-it addiction, etc., etc.
But it can also look like not speaking our truth in our relationships, and even in our day-to-day dealings with people. It can look like all the little transgressions that we don’t speak up about, that we settle for, that we perpetuate. It can look like staying on the surface of things and sweeping important issues under the rug.
Smiling when we feel like shit inside.
This kind of self-sabotage, or what I call “self-gaslighting,” can look like experiencing jealousy and not talking about it because I’m not supposed to feel jealousy. Because feeling jealous is not very cool or evolved or hot or sexy or mature or kind or whatever it is I’m supposed to be.
If I hold that energy inside, I don’t feel good. If I go into denial about having jealous feelings, I’m suppressing my own awareness. The more I attempt to numb out to that feeling, the more I am derailing myself. The mind will likely chip in a few thoughts of condemnation (like “wow, you are so weak for having this feeling” or even “you’re so self-absorbed for feeling jealous; someone more evolved wouldn’t have that problem”). This kind of situation can become its own catch-22, full of feeling bad about feeling bad!
Anyone who has allowed self-defeating thoughts to derail them a lot or a little will relate to the rabbit hole of self-criticism we can wander into — the checklist of failures appears and suddenly the proof is all there for the various ways that we have somehow not measured up.
In a situation that happened earlier this year, an experience of Grace occurred when I was staying out at my friend’s house on the island. I had gone there to clear my head and my heart and reground. It was late, and I was lying in bed under clean sheets in a room that is filled with my Guru’s energy. Suddenly, I was prompted to energetically pull all of the love that I had been giving back into myself, and I could reach back for years or even lifetimes and pull all that love and all that effort into my current self, the one experiencing the suffering of jealousy.
The love of my ancestors was also present, like love attracting more of itself and pulling even greater love into the receptive vessel that is my heart. My Gurus and my Angels were in the room, as well. It was truly bright, and I have never felt so protected.
I suddenly realized: I can trust myself.
I can constantly turn to this Love that is completely free and ever-available.
All I have to do is open my heart to receive it.
I went to sleep content that night, knowing I didn’t have to be or do anything to be cradled by the Infinite experience of Love. Knowing…in truth….I am That.
And when I woke up, guess what?
The work was still waiting for me. It was still necessary to deal with that icky feeling. It hadn’t quite left yet.
I feel ugly.
I feel less than whole.
I feel less worthy.
I feel unloved.
I feel abandoned, rejected, lonely, scared.
I feel out of control.
I feel blah blah blah.
It doesn’t matter if I’m in a relationship or not.
I don’t actually need another person to fix this for me.
I need to hear an inner voice (the voice of Truth) say:
I love you.
Your outer identity is not you.
Your experiences are not you.
Your feelings and thoughts are not you.
The life within you is good.
The life within you is sacred.
You are more than OK.
And if you ARE in relationship, having these feelings – hopefully both you and your partner have the bandwidth to hold space for each other when jealousy or other sticky-tricky emotions come up.
When we allow ourselves to be vulnerable enough to share our truth, however awkward and shadowy it may be, we are honoring the is-ness of our state of being.
When others receive us with love and kindness in our vulnerability, they are also honoring the is-ness of our state of being.
Most likely this comes from their ability to honor themselves.
For me personally, telling my shadows to be quiet and invisible has never actually worked.
Telling my uncomfortable feelings and my intuition to shut-up was the self-gaslighting that let me stay in more than one shitty relationship.
It is quite possible to drive yourself mad through self-gaslighting.
If you have forgotten that you are OK, don’t run and don’t go numb, just pause and feel for a moment.
Most of us don’t transform our lives and behaviors overnight.
It becomes a series of remembering, bringing our attention back to the truth of our nature, which is goodness and effortlessly deserving of love.
If I am full of bad feelings, I can pause.
I might cry or breathe or cuddle my cat or pray or call somebody or go into a process of self-inquiry, with real curiosity and non-judgement.
From a more loving place, I might still drink a beer or eat more ice cream. But I might enjoy it more. I might have less desperate and escapist feelings about it. I might even consciously free myself of any thought that is not compassionate, kind and loving toward myself.
Eventually, I might not even go for the ice cream or the beer.
But that won’t make me a better person.
The objective is love.
If I can love myself more, as I wake up daily to this thing called life…then I know I am on the right track.
Grace be with you.