The Bitch Is Back

The bitch is back and she is sexy as fuck.  The bitch knows what she wants.  She can feel it, it is visceral.  She knows truth instantaneously.  And guess what folks, it’s not all roses out there.

The bitch is going to call shit like it is.  If it smells like shit: She is going to say something.

There are a few good men out there, backing up this bitch.

I would say, in this day and age, that men of color are more likely to “get it” when it comes to knowing how to support a woman who is knowing her own strength, knowing herself as a bitch.  Not “somebody’s” bitch, her own Bitch – y’all hear what I’m saying, right?

But, you know, it’s just a potential – and I’m partial to where I grew up and live now: the West Coast of the USA.  In so many ways, I speak to my own narrow perspective when I call out men of color as leaders of what might be known as “The Men’s Movement” in this country.  But listen, anyone reading…it’s gotta start somewhere.  It’s gotta start.  The male gender as a whole needs a big Heart Resuscitation.

Lately, I’ve been saddened and shaken by the numbness among men – I see it so starkly in men my own age, late thirties early forties…. Like I can’t even relate to their cynicism.  But, you know, age is just a number, and I’ve seen it revealed in men much older as well.  So clueless!

But – we must ask ourselves – where are the role models for men?

Men.

Like Hitler?

Like Freud?

Like Charles Manson?

Christopher Columbus?

Saddam Hussein?

Napoleon?

So and so’s father who did this and that?

So and so’s husband who beat her?

Why?

Why?

And men, so many men all over the globe,

They feel so unloved, and so isolated

And so completely unsure of themselves

Because

Blockages

Blindness

Unwilling to humble themselves

Before the true self

Unwilling to let their frozen hearts

Thaw

Their minds

Quiet

Their impulses

Hold back

And listen

.              .              .

Will you stop

And listen

Now?

.              .              .

I’m going to tell you

To give everything you can

To this Earth

Ma Gaea

And the women

And the children

Of it

Of this land

La Tierra

And the water

La Vida

.              .              .

I tell you

Men of the Earth

Now is the time

To become the most chivalrous

You have ever imagined a Man to be

.              .              .

Rise up Men

The Women of the Earth

Are calling you

To stand for what is right

.              .              .

.              .              .

And another thing,

If you have “mommy” issues

Or “daddy” issues

Call on the Great Mother

Call on the Earth and her Water

Call on all the Love buried inside you,

Aching to be alive in the world.

Call on the Great Father

All of Space and Time

Call on the Light within,

Your suffering will become your very Guru

In the light of Illumination

In the light of Love.

.               .               .

.               .               .

 

Don’t Gaslight Yourself

A friend and I have been discussing the experience of facing the truth – in relationships, in the world, in how we show up as ourselves or not as ourselves, in how we treat our bodies, in how we treat those close to us, and in how we experience the inner-voice.

First of all, any message – within our own minds, from the media, from a lover or a friend or a group or a cause or a family member or a psychic or a guru or a teacher or a guardian – any message we receive that tells us we are inherently bad, or “they” are inherently bad  – is bullshit.

In so many ways – we must re-learn how to trust our gut.

If the message feels bad, that’s our first cue to check it out.  

Why does it feel bad?

Before having another beer or going shopping or watching porn or yelling at someone or going cold inside or eating too much or driving too fast or having disconnected sex or making another compromise or going after more money or proving your point — pause for a minute and ask:  Why do I feel bad right now?  What is the feeling inside that I’m trying to get away from?  What is it, and what is it telling me? 

Is it uneasy?

Is it hard to pinpoint?

Is it grotesque?

Does it contrast (at all) with the feeling of being inherently OK?

Does it derail me (even a little) from knowing that I am good?

What is this feeling that is telling me to escape?

Don’t feel this this.

What is this feeling that keeps me from letting myself pause?

Rest.

Feel.

For many of us, pausing will feel uncomfortable, especially if we’re out of practice.

Pausing can feel downright irritating, painful or even horrifying.

Like the whole house of cards might come crashing down.  

These illusions about what we are chasing and what we are running away from….they might not survive the fire of awareness that exists in one singular pause.

Pausing  and noticing will often sound like a terrible idea (or even a terribly boring idea) when there is inner work waiting patiently for us to show up and buckle up.

For me personally, I don’t know how I would be able to handle the inner work at all without the experience of Guru, without my beloved chant teacher, without the healing love from family and a few close friends.  Although I have been blessed with my share of struggles, I also recognize that my soul was drawn to certain experiences to lead me to Guru, which I understand as Supreme Consciousness and Bliss.  Less of me and more of That,  please.  

And yet, I continue to find myself faced with experiences of needing to create boundaries, dealing with ego, finding out how to become more truthful within myself, how to change patterns, how to pause when I feel angry, how to pause when my heart is closed, how to pause when I feel doubt.

When we follow any train of thought that derails us from knowing that we are (inherently) OK, that we are (inherently) good, and that we are (in fact) the embodiment of pure love — we naturally want to escape.

Because want to feel better.  

And because somewhere, deep inside, we know that those self-destructive thoughts are simply NOT TRUE.

Even our subconscious mind is pulling us back to recognizing our essential nature, and even in our ignorance we are chiseling away at uncovering the true brilliance that is our birthright.

Even self-sabotaging behavior is another way of trying to feel better.  We want to distract ourselves from the real pain and the real feelings by creating alternate overwhelming feelings or numbness to feelings.  We are pulling the wool  over our own eyes.

The common self-sabotaging behaviors that are discussed widely include: remaining in abusive relationships, seeking out abusive relationships, food/eating disorders, cutting, alcohol/substance addiction, gambling addiction, porn addiction, you-name-it addiction, etc., etc.

But it can also look like not speaking our truth in our relationships, and even in our day-to-day dealings with people. It can look like all the little transgressions that we don’t speak up about, that we settle for, that we perpetuate.  It can look like staying on the surface of things and sweeping important issues under the rug.

Smiling when we feel like shit inside.

This kind of self-sabotage, or what I call “self-gaslighting,” can look like experiencing jealousy and not talking about it because I’m not supposed to feel jealousy.  Because feeling jealous is not very cool or evolved or hot or sexy or mature or kind or whatever it is I’m supposed to be.

If I hold that energy inside, I don’t feel good.  If I go into denial about having jealous feelings, I’m suppressing my own awareness.  The more I attempt to numb out to that feeling, the more I am derailing myself.  The mind will likely chip in a few thoughts of condemnation (like “wow, you are so weak for having this feeling” or even “you’re so self-absorbed for feeling jealous; someone more evolved wouldn’t have that problem”). This kind of situation can become its own catch-22, full of feeling bad about feeling bad!  

Anyone who has allowed self-defeating thoughts to derail them a lot or a little will relate to the rabbit hole of self-criticism we can wander into — the checklist of failures appears and suddenly the proof is all there for the various ways that we have somehow not measured up.

In a situation that happened earlier this year, an experience of Grace occurred when I was staying out at my friend’s house on the island.  I had gone there to clear my head and my heart and reground.  It was late, and I was lying in bed under clean sheets in a room that is filled with my Guru’s energy.  Suddenly, I was prompted to energetically pull all of the love that I had been giving back into myself, and I could reach back for years or even lifetimes and pull all that love and all that effort into my current self, the one experiencing the suffering of jealousy.

The love of my ancestors was also present, like love attracting more of itself and pulling even greater love into the receptive vessel that is my heart.  My Gurus and my Angels were in the room, as well.  It was truly bright, and I have never felt so protected.

I suddenly realized: I can trust myself.  

I can constantly turn to this Love that is completely free and ever-available.

All I have to do is open my heart to receive it.

I went to sleep content that night, knowing I didn’t have to be or do anything to be cradled by the Infinite experience of Love.  Knowing…in truth….I am That.

And when I woke up, guess what?

The work was still waiting for me.  It was still necessary to deal with that icky feeling.  It hadn’t quite left yet.

Jealousy.

Dammit.  Gross.  

I feel ugly.  

I feel less than whole.

 I feel less worthy.  

I feel unloved.  

I feel abandoned, rejected, lonely, scared.

I feel out of control.

I feel blah blah blah.

It doesn’t matter if I’m in a relationship or not.

I don’t actually need another person to fix this for me.

I need to hear an inner voice (the voice of Truth) say:

I love you.
You’re OK.
Your outer identity is not you.
Your experiences are not you.
Your feelings and thoughts are not you.
The life within you is good.
The life within you is sacred.
You are more than OK.

*

And if you ARE in relationship, having these feelings – hopefully both you and your partner have the bandwidth to hold space for each other when jealousy or other sticky-tricky emotions come up.

When we allow ourselves to be vulnerable enough to share our truth, however awkward and shadowy it may be, we are honoring the is-ness of our state of being.

When others receive us with love and kindness in our vulnerability, they are also honoring the is-ness of our state of being.

Most likely this comes from their ability to honor themselves.

*

For me personally, telling my shadows to be quiet and invisible has never actually worked.

Telling my uncomfortable feelings and my intuition to shut-up was the self-gaslighting that let me stay in more than one shitty relationship.

It is quite possible to drive yourself mad through self-gaslighting.

*

If you have forgotten that you are OK, don’t run and don’t go numb, just pause and feel for a moment.

Most of us don’t transform our lives and behaviors overnight.

It becomes a series of remembering, bringing our attention back to the truth of our nature, which is goodness and effortlessly deserving of love.

If I am full of bad feelings, I can pause.

I might cry or breathe or cuddle my cat or pray or call somebody or go into a process of self-inquiry, with real curiosity and non-judgement.

From a more loving place, I might still drink a beer or eat more ice cream.  But I might enjoy it more.  I might have less desperate and escapist feelings about it.  I might even consciously free myself of any thought that is not compassionate, kind and loving toward myself.

Eventually, I might not even go for the ice cream or the beer.

But that won’t make me a better person.

The objective is love.

If I can love myself more, as I wake up daily to this thing called life…then I know I am on the right track.

*

Grace be with you.

Namaste.

*

 

 

 

Unexpected Miracles (Jumping Tracks)

I’ve been busy.

In the past two weeks, I ended a romantic relationship that wasn’t right for me, got fired from my job, and took a major step toward healing my relationship with my father.  “Intense” is an understatement for this combination of life events!

And actually, it happened like a domino effect, with a background of loving support from friends and an inner-seeking that offers much illumination.

I said “no” to the relationship that didn’t feel right for me.  My “no” paved the way for my “Yes.”  Saying “no” to what I don’t want to experience let me say “Yes” to what I do want to experience.  Space and time are not linear, and our conversation with the Universe is about many things all at once.  I wasn’t just saying “no” to that relationship.  I was saying “no” to feeling limited and having my energy zapped.  I was saying “Yes” to freedom and expansion.  I was saying “Yes” to protecting and fostering my juicy, succulent energy.

Lo and behold, one week later I was fired from my job of almost 8 years.  Without going into details, I will simply say that my working there was not in alignment with my “Yes.”  I ended up saying “no” to what I experienced as toxic treatment in the workplace, and my “Yes” was granted in the form of getting fired.

It was a shock and felt traumatic at first.  Fearful thoughts happened:

“This is my livelihood!”

“How will I feed my kids and pay the bills?”

“I’ve failed!” 

But as the tears and fear subsided, I began to feel such energetic lightness that I knew Grace was at work.  The Universe has heard my “Yes” and It is saying “Yes” in return.

Three days after getting fired, an incredibly healing conversation happened with my father.  I have an estranged relationship with him, which has been a source of pain for my almost my whole life.  Healing my relationship with him is a necessary part of my own healing and my own awakening.  I am also realizing, more and more, that I will quite possibly continue to experience shadow-work in my relationships with men while I have unfinished healing with my father.

The Universe heard my “Yes.”

I am simply in awe of these unexpected miracles.

As I observe the unfolding of my soul’s journey, I see how transformative Grace is, and how this transformation can happen in so many ways.

Sometimes, we are simply guided to steer the boat (representing our life and choices) in a different direction – even subtle shifts in navigation will lead us to an entirely different destination.  This can look like changes in how we take care of ourselves, how we operate in relationships, how we prioritize that which matters to us.  This kind of steering is constant, and we are always making adjustments as we journey through our days and nights.

There are other times when we are guided (or sometimes forced) to “jump tracks.”  We still have our boat (our life and choices), but we are being placed in an entirely different set of circumstances, different waters.  This can look like getting fired or quitting a job.  It can look like ending relationships, by choice or not.  It can look like changing residence or giving up addiction, by choice or not.  It can look like losing a loved one.  It can look like surrendering.

As we jump tracks, as we find ourselves IN that process, it is as if we have wings – we are existing without knowing how, without having control, security, stability, constancy.  In these times, a greater change is happening upon our souls than we can fathom with the human mind. 

The beauty in the void of creation, this Darkness if you will, is that it contains

so much energy.  

It is the tide pulling in on itself. 

In these times of jumping tracks, we are offered temporary relief from the dull trappings of ego.  Suddenly, we DON’T know what’s going to happen next, how it’s all going to play out, or what our new tracks will be.  We can panic and freak out, cry and resist – all of these are valid emotions when faced with change.

The thing to remember is that it is ALL energy.

As the mind quiets, as the ego takes a rest, we are witness to the incredible POTENTIAL of this time.  Life energy is living, changing, dying and being reborn – perpetually evolving and teeming with possibilities.

As I find myself in this space, all I can think to ask for is this:

“Great Spirit, use me to my full potential.

I am a vessel for Your light.

You are my shepherd and I am Your lamb.

You are the lover, and I the beloved.”

 

Blessed be!

*

Cultivating Light, pt.2

I’m back on the island for the weekend.  Right now, my only company is my friend’s African-Grey parrot, who I will call Sam.  Sam and I have a very sweet relationship.  Except for that one time last Sunday when she bit me.  That has never happened before and it will never happen again.  I was not pleased about having a bloody, throbbing finger (although it was my fault for trying to pet her cute little head).  I went to bed resentful of her rude behavior and I didn’t chat with her much the following morning.  She is very sensitive to vibes and she quickly caught on that I was ignoring her.  I wasn’t trying to punish her; I just wasn’t ready to talk yet.  My feelings were hurt.

Throughout the day, she kept upping her game with me, saying things like “good morning!” and “how are you?” quite often.  She even started saying “later gater” a lot in this cute robotic voice because she heard me laugh after she tried it out.  My friend has owned Sam for almost 30 years, since she was a 6-month old babe.  He knows her really, really well and is very in tune with her moods and what she is communicating.  He said it was good that I was giving her the silent-treatment to reinstate my dominance.  So I just waited until I was over being mad, and then I was able to re-engage with Sam without a grudge.  She won me back when she said “Night-night, sweetheart” in a loving, lilting voice.  I laughed fully and my heart felt soft and glowing. I asked her that we instate a mutual “no biting each other” agreement, and we moved on.

I wish it was so easy with people!  Specifically, I wish it was so easy with lovers.

I wish I could be more Zen about the whole Sex thing.

I wish my heart wasn’t in my vagina.  I wish I could love “casually” without getting too “attached.”

I wish feeling triggered or hurt wasn’t part of my experience.  (No bad feelings, please!  They are so inconvenient!)

And I don’t wish these things because I think it would make me a better person or a cooler person, or even a more desirable woman.  I wish these things because it would be less painful for ME!

However, to my utter amazement, I am finding that I can’t turn away from love anymore.  I can’t turn the lights off and go back to sleep.  I can’t pretend something doesn’t hurt when it does.  I can’t close my heart and cut connections just because I’m scared.  The heart stays open.

By some divine power, my heart is being kept open.  Waves of emotion pass through it.  I’m feeling the truth of painful feelings – what is it about?  I am seeing that some things are about relating, here and now, in present time.  How personalities mesh.  How chemistry is strengthened or weakened.

And I am seeing the trail of thoughts and feelings that are triggered by sharing myself closely with a lover, regardless of the present experience.  The trail keeps leading me back to the same yucky, muddy pond.  The same sadness, the same hurt.

I realized today that I am almost the same age that my mother was when my father left her for another woman.  There had already been infidelities, I’m sure, but the affair that made him leave was the beginning of a hellish time for my mother and my little sister and I.

The story of that challenging time is not what is important.  What matters is the little girl (age 11) who was left to sift through rubble and pick up broken pieces with her mother, for years.  What matters is that she hasn’t healed completely yet, and she is still, will always be, me.  Her healing is intrinsic to my own, as a woman and as a soul.

Little girls are not women.  I am not the only woman walking around with a scared, hurt, confused little girl inside of her.  And there are men, many men, with scared, hurt, confused little boys inside of them.  We are not bad for not being all grown-up and put together.  We do not suck for struggling.

Really, we are being handed keys to our own healing.  Whenever we are triggered, we are given an opportunity to trace it back to a place where we can have compassion for ourselves.  So often, our hurts are left over from our childhood.  We can hold space for that healing to occur in our hearts and minds, just by imagining ourselves as children, innocent and deserving of kindness and love.  (if you can’t imagine that, it’s ok! imagine yourself as a newborn baby.  you were innocent.  you still are, believe it or not.)

Now, we layer the cake of our experiences with the generations who have gone before us, and we see how very deep the suffering goes, how very deep the need for healing goes.

We are all feeling the sadness of world events right now.  There is a collective heaviness, a worn and tired dismay, and a protective urge to shield, to numb and to hide.  There is also a reactive urge for some to lash out and seek revenge.

But we just can’t keep doing that.

I can’t hide from my “daddy-issues” anymore.  It’s not very fun for my dating life.  I can’t just pretend something is working for me.  My temple, my body, is completely divine and anyone who enters my temple is blessed and also carries responsibility.  I deserve care and love and kindness.  I deserve truth and commitment and connection.  When I pretend like I don’t need those things, I feel like shit!

We, collectively, cannot hide from our issues.  We cannot hide from systemic racism and sexism.  We cannot hide from economic oppression.  We cannot hide from gun violence and fear-mongering and hate crimes.

These things are waking us up like an awful nightmare.  Instead of spinning around in debates and defenses, we can just feel this.  Eventually, we are going to feel this.

And then we can stop denying it and pretending.  We can stop blaming and victimizing.  We can stop stuffing our shame and our guilt with bullshit distractions.  We can just stop.

I have to heal my heart wounds in order to love freely and joyously.  Sometimes I feel underwater with the grief I’ve been carrying, but I keep riding the waves and perspective is granted, in big and small ways.  Spirit gives me the experiences I need to grow, and I feel held, even in my despair.

We have to heal our heart wounds.  We have to listen, really listen.

If we are able to act as loving support for others, we are experiencing a great gift.  AND – we still need to work on our own healing.  Martyrs are not going to save the world.  My loving brother Jesus has been misinterpreted again and again – and one very real way is through this idea of “suffering our way to heaven.”  Give me a break!

We are here to LOVE OURSELVES, FORGIVE OURSELVES AND HEAL OURSELVES.  From this space and this intention, we can offer our love, forgiveness and healing to this beautiful world.  The personal is still political, people.  Micro/Macro.  And if we don’t receive the grace that is constantly available to us if we but look within, we can’t offer it up, we can’t share it, we can’t BE IT.

You are the light, so be it.

There is no “other.”  Every great spiritual master has shared this message.

Your freedom is mine.  Your happiness, your love, your wisdom and your power are essential to the well-being of this planet.

And when you look around, those fellow humans you see, they are your family.

I love you.

Namaste.

*

 

Cultivating Light, pt.1

 

I am beautiful and yummy again.  I am myself.

The hollow feeling is gone now.  It was only the mind playing tricks on me, chasing me down tunnels and challenging me to remember truth, remember love.

Love will do that.  It will remove obstacles as well as place obstacles in your path to bring you remembrance, to bring you back back back to knowing yourself as the sacred temple for life.

The body is gifted to teach us what we’re made of.

Joy, pleasure and peacefulness are the birthrights of every soul.

And your liberation is mine, don’t you see?

*

Free yourself

*

Walk with me in the field beyond right and wrong.

Our talking will cease when we open our senses to this place.

Here, every story becomes a love story.

*

I am bowing to you

*

The love that is gifted heals every cell of my being.

I am a sponge for the water of love as it pours down heavily, washing every jagged note within the music of my body-mind.

Out in the world, I carry this love like a tiny lantern inside my heart.

I am human, imperfect.  Outside, the wind is howling and the sky breaks open.

The fire of love burns inside the temple of this body.

I am the shelter, dancing in the storm.

*

I bow to you

*

We move in the body.

We feed in the body.

We grieve, rejoice, make love, make war, make mistakes and find balance in the body.

The entire spectrum of pain and pleasure exists within the body.

We are given constant opportunities to accept, to forgive and to love in the body.

And whenever we can, our hands will caress the face of our beloved and our quiet heart will whisper:

“Oh sweet one, your temple is a work of art.

The deathless One resides in you so perfectly.”

*

I bow to you

*

Your light moves me and I am speechless.

Dear pilgrim, I see eternity when I look at you.

Traveling pilgrim, what a gift to hold you again in this lifetime.

*

 

 

 

Release

 

Why is it that the more I open to the light

And the more I open to love

The more the memories come?

Things I thought were gone are resurfacing

Still ugly, still painful, still totally in my way

*

I called on Krishna

I asked him to play his flute for me

And he did

Sweetly, with passionate reverence

But the sound of his devotion

And the brightness of his love

Reminded me

Of all that I have not forgiven or forgotten

This weight I keep carrying around like a corpse

Dead weight

Dead things

His love is so pure!

And I am so not.

*

Shiva

God of Death and Deathlessness

He is consciousness, unfiltered and undiluted

He is energy, unlimited and unimpeded

He is wild

As in:

Not tame

Not programmed

Not here to please your ego or your sensibilities

No…Shiva is beyond all things

Shiva

I bring him my offering

I go to him with my corpse

I lie down, exhausted and defeated

For I, too, feel dead

*

The fire is burning things:

My heart

This corpse

My story – so perfectly composed

All the rationalizations

All the excuses

Shiva wants my blinders and my escape-routes

He wants my insecurities

He wants my shyness and my hiding

He wants my conformity and any apathy I still harbor

He wants my hurt, my anger, my hopelessness and every shred of my fear

“Come,” he says. 

“I am eternally here.

Walk into this fire.

The diamond of your essence cannot be destroyed.

Come.

Let everything else go.”

*

So I come to him

Again and again

Offering him the stones in my heart

Offering him my tears of despair

Offering my sadness for this mad world, the killers and the killed

My suffering is so small in the spectrum of Samsara!

All of this, all of this, must go through the fire

All of this, all of this, must stand up to the light

I am standing now, too

The corpse remains at Shiva’s feet

“Leave it,” he says

In order to dance with Shiva

I am completely exposed

My many faces are appearing and disappearing

My desires are awakened

My emotions are free

He sees them all

He is the stillness

He is the fire

He is the death of all falsehood

*

Upon release,

I hear Krishna’s flute again

He is still playing

Blissfully

He wants to adore me

Me, of all things!

He is the lover

Loving the beloved

*

Who am I to say no to this Grace?

*

 

 

 

Darshan

The face of God looked at me last Saturday.

She was leaving the hall around 2 a.m.  I rushed to stand behind a woman with her baby – what luck because Amma is drawn to babies, and She (of course) walked over and wrestled with his cheeks, giving him love.  The word “Ma” quietly escaped my lips, and that’s when She looked at me, taking me in.  Her face looked youthful and bright with wide eyes.  Her face appeared to elongate as if mirroring my face – I know that sounds strange and even self-absorbed, but I have also felt and seen a mirror reflection when looking at the face of Jesus as replicated from the Shroud of Turin.  God’s face is every face.  Every single face.

God is our true nature, and truly every being contains the inner guru.  As we sort out our karma and seek to live out our dharma, the true nature resides ceaselessly in us and as us.  But there are also Those who come as a Gift.  They contain no trappings of ego or karma.  They are fully liberated.  The pull to love and serve is so strong that they come to show the endless power that love is, the endless power that we are when we surrender to it.

Looking into the face of God is looking into Moksha, supreme liberation.

I received darshan twice over the weekend.  The first night I placed a garland upon Her shoulders and then wept in Her arms like a small child, clinging to Ma.  The next night I waited until 6:30 a.m. to go up for darshan.  It was the spacious time after completing Archana (chanting the 1,000 of the Divine Mother).  The line up to the stage was thinning, and there was a quiet stillness like pregnant moments, even as people talked and music continued.  I got in line, taking the last chair and showing the person with a green scarf the lettered token I’d been carrying.  I shyly kept my Jap Ji book wrapped in a scarf on my lap as I moved through the musical chairs that is the line taking you all the way up to Amma’s arms.

When I was placed in front of Her, I offered up the book while lowering my head.  She quickly handed it to one of Her attendants without giving it any attention, and immediately pulled me close to Her, wrapping me in Her embrace, turning my head one way, then the other, repeating in my ear the words She began telling me last year: “Mah Dohh-Tah, Mah Dohh-Tah, Mah Dohh-Tah” – Her accented way of calling me Her daughter, Her daughter, Her daughter.

Lifetimes of karma are lifted by Amma’s embrace.

I replay Her voice in my head.  I replay Her embrace.  I long to be held in Her arms again.  I long to offer Her all of me.  All of this self-identification.  All of this love.  All of this karma.  All of this beauty, darkness and light.  Everything ugly, everything I hide.  Everything I remember and everything I have forgotten.  I wash this entire being that I am in Amma’s love.  I am dough, I am clay, I soften.

*

But the high from Amma’s love is not static or permanent.  I’ve had a very hard week, full of horrible feelings and emotional turmoil.  I have felt a stark sense of loss. Am I grieving the death of false beliefs and conceptions?  Unfriendly thoughts stampede through my mind, stronger than ever before it seems.  They are like monsters, revealing the ugly faces of jealousy, fear, disappointment, anger, loss, grief.  Why now?

The monster remains in my reflection.  The ego is planted firmly within my consciousness.

These stories, these fantasies, these nightmares – all of these illusions are in my way, like leftover rubble after an earthquake.  Broken, of no use, but still there all the same.  The mind wanders away from truth, seeking shadows, seeking the familiar.

I am so very human, so very low of thought so much of the time.  Can I face the light?  Can I let all of this hideousness be seen?

FACE THE LIGHT
LET IT BURN “YOU” AWAY

ALL OF YOUR NOTIONS, ALL OF YOUR TENDENCIES TO JUDGE AND SEPARATE

“GOOD” AND “BAD” EXIST SIMULTANEOUSLY AND EFFORTLESSLY

IT ALL EXISTS, ALL OF THE TIME, AND MEANWHILE, IN THE CENTER OF TRUTH IS PERFECT LOVE

PERFECT ACCEPTANCE

PERFECT FORGIVENESS

PERFECT UNDERSTANDING

PERFECT PEACE

*

Call it Grace, call it Allah.

Call it Jesus, Shiva, Ram.

Call it Ma.

Call it anything that makes sense to you.

“It” contains everything.

Everything is enervated and alive by the power of “It”.

So, what is it that we are trying to control?

What is it that we are trying to kill?

What is it that divides me or you or anyone from seeing each other as we truly are – as stardust, God-dust, exquisitely unique formations of the Divine?

What else is there to know?

*

The darshan continues.

Through service to others.  Through connections and synchronicities.  Through the light in your eyes.  Through my smile.  Through honesty, however uncomfortable.  Through silence and listening.  Through tears and falling apart.  Through the gritty and uncomfortable, through the resistance, through the shadow dance.

Everything becomes the darshan.  Every face is God.  This greater reality is ever-present, so sublime we don’t see it.  In fact, often we run in the opposite direction from truth, biting hooks, chasing karma.  When will it stop?  When will “we” stop?

Amma gives a key.  She is not the first realized being to manifest in a human body.  She won’t be the last.  The key is your birthright.  Anyone can access it.

I’m less tormented today.  My shadows appear a little smaller, more like wild animals that I am learning to care for.  I have begun to think of my firmly-planted ego as my pet cactus.  It is so prickly, it doesn’t need much watering, but it is still my plant to care for.  And inside, cut open, even the cactus has something wonderful to offer.  The guru is everywhere.

I walk slowly today.

Sweeping the floor of my heart.

Opening the windows of my mind.

Letting in the air that is Shakti.

Namaste.

*