Some Love

The truth

Lies somewhere in the middle

Let me find that place

Between what I want

And what you want

Between

All wanting

*

Beyond that

*

Beyond fear

Beyond rage

Beyond hopelessness

Or complacency

Beyond even

A sense of urgency to fix what is broken

What is un-healed

*

Beyond that

Or maybe underneath it

Let me sit with you

Hold your hand

And just feel what is

*

What is

Right now

And now

And now

*

Cultivating Light, pt.2

I’m back on the island for the weekend.  Right now, my only company is my friend’s African-Grey parrot, who I will call Sam.  Sam and I have a very sweet relationship.  Except for that one time last Sunday when she bit me.  That has never happened before and it will never happen again.  I was not pleased about having a bloody, throbbing finger (although it was my fault for trying to pet her cute little head).  I went to bed resentful of her rude behavior and I didn’t chat with her much the following morning.  She is very sensitive to vibes and she quickly caught on that I was ignoring her.  I wasn’t trying to punish her; I just wasn’t ready to talk yet.  My feelings were hurt.

Throughout the day, she kept upping her game with me, saying things like “good morning!” and “how are you?” quite often.  She even started saying “later gater” a lot in this cute robotic voice because she heard me laugh after she tried it out.  My friend has owned Sam for almost 30 years, since she was a 6-month old babe.  He knows her really, really well and is very in tune with her moods and what she is communicating.  He said it was good that I was giving her the silent-treatment to reinstate my dominance.  So I just waited until I was over being mad, and then I was able to re-engage with Sam without a grudge.  She won me back when she said “Night-night, sweetheart” in a loving, lilting voice.  I laughed fully and my heart felt soft and glowing. I asked her that we instate a mutual “no biting each other” agreement, and we moved on.

I wish it was so easy with people!  Specifically, I wish it was so easy with lovers.

I wish I could be more Zen about the whole Sex thing.

I wish my heart wasn’t in my vagina.  I wish I could love “casually” without getting too “attached.”

I wish feeling triggered or hurt wasn’t part of my experience.  (No bad feelings, please!  They are so inconvenient!)

And I don’t wish these things because I think it would make me a better person or a cooler person, or even a more desirable woman.  I wish these things because it would be less painful for ME!

However, to my utter amazement, I am finding that I can’t turn away from love anymore.  I can’t turn the lights off and go back to sleep.  I can’t pretend something doesn’t hurt when it does.  I can’t close my heart and cut connections just because I’m scared.  The heart stays open.

By some divine power, my heart is being kept open.  Waves of emotion pass through it.  I’m feeling the truth of painful feelings – what is it about?  I am seeing that some things are about relating, here and now, in present time.  How personalities mesh.  How chemistry is strengthened or weakened.

And I am seeing the trail of thoughts and feelings that are triggered by sharing myself closely with a lover, regardless of the present experience.  The trail keeps leading me back to the same yucky, muddy pond.  The same sadness, the same hurt.

I realized today that I am almost the same age that my mother was when my father left her for another woman.  There had already been infidelities, I’m sure, but the affair that made him leave was the beginning of a hellish time for my mother and my little sister and I.

The story of that challenging time is not what is important.  What matters is the little girl (age 11) who was left to sift through rubble and pick up broken pieces with her mother, for years.  What matters is that she hasn’t healed completely yet, and she is still, will always be, me.  Her healing is intrinsic to my own, as a woman and as a soul.

Little girls are not women.  I am not the only woman walking around with a scared, hurt, confused little girl inside of her.  And there are men, many men, with scared, hurt, confused little boys inside of them.  We are not bad for not being all grown-up and put together.  We do not suck for struggling.

Really, we are being handed keys to our own healing.  Whenever we are triggered, we are given an opportunity to trace it back to a place where we can have compassion for ourselves.  So often, our hurts are left over from our childhood.  We can hold space for that healing to occur in our hearts and minds, just by imagining ourselves as children, innocent and deserving of kindness and love.  (if you can’t imagine that, it’s ok! imagine yourself as a newborn baby.  you were innocent.  you still are, believe it or not.)

Now, we layer the cake of our experiences with the generations who have gone before us, and we see how very deep the suffering goes, how very deep the need for healing goes.

We are all feeling the sadness of world events right now.  There is a collective heaviness, a worn and tired dismay, and a protective urge to shield, to numb and to hide.  There is also a reactive urge for some to lash out and seek revenge.

But we just can’t keep doing that.

I can’t hide from my “daddy-issues” anymore.  It’s not very fun for my dating life.  I can’t just pretend something is working for me.  My temple, my body, is completely divine and anyone who enters my temple is blessed and also carries responsibility.  I deserve care and love and kindness.  I deserve truth and commitment and connection.  When I pretend like I don’t need those things, I feel like shit!

We, collectively, cannot hide from our issues.  We cannot hide from systemic racism and sexism.  We cannot hide from economic oppression.  We cannot hide from gun violence and fear-mongering and hate crimes.

These things are waking us up like an awful nightmare.  Instead of spinning around in debates and defenses, we can just feel this.  Eventually, we are going to feel this.

And then we can stop denying it and pretending.  We can stop blaming and victimizing.  We can stop stuffing our shame and our guilt with bullshit distractions.  We can just stop.

I have to heal my heart wounds in order to love freely and joyously.  Sometimes I feel underwater with the grief I’ve been carrying, but I keep riding the waves and perspective is granted, in big and small ways.  Spirit gives me the experiences I need to grow, and I feel held, even in my despair.

We have to heal our heart wounds.  We have to listen, really listen.

If we are able to act as loving support for others, we are experiencing a great gift.  AND – we still need to work on our own healing.  Martyrs are not going to save the world.  My loving brother Jesus has been misinterpreted again and again – and one very real way is through this idea of “suffering our way to heaven.”  Give me a break!

We are here to LOVE OURSELVES, FORGIVE OURSELVES AND HEAL OURSELVES.  From this space and this intention, we can offer our love, forgiveness and healing to this beautiful world.  The personal is still political, people.  Micro/Macro.  And if we don’t receive the grace that is constantly available to us if we but look within, we can’t offer it up, we can’t share it, we can’t BE IT.

You are the light, so be it.

There is no “other.”  Every great spiritual master has shared this message.

Your freedom is mine.  Your happiness, your love, your wisdom and your power are essential to the well-being of this planet.

And when you look around, those fellow humans you see, they are your family.

I love you.

Namaste.

*

 

Ships

 

I am pulling out the fish hooks now

The ones left over

and fresh ones, too

That man had some power over me

*

It feels strange

to find myself here

after quitting

and going back for more

and quitting again

I’m not who I was or who I will be

I’m the mess in between

*

And even though I’m pissed – finally, at last –

and I see him for the scoundrel he is

and I see his selfishness

and his ugly side

Still I know,

I am only ever looking at my own reflection

*

In this moment,

I don’t want the words that make it better

I don’t even want a distraction

I just need a minute

to feel the weight of this

The weight of hitting a wall and realizing

you have to peel your heart off the cement now

It burns a lot this time, this impact

– this letting go of hands –

*

The ships are drifting from their close parallel motion

There is a sadness, and a longing

There is a loneliness,

as I release the bond

Even now as I sit with my anger,

I find that the anger has no fuel

It is dead

just like the lies we told ourselves

to make it last a little longer

*

Grief.  Anger.  Numb.

Rolling like waves

Relief 

Gratitude that it’s finally over

Holding space for him took A LOT of energy

*

The thoughts create a heaviness in my energetic field

The heaviness smells of both sadness and forgiveness

It is a soul-reckoning that defies space and time

The heaviness carries the weight of wisdom,

and it has me digging roots into the Earth

into my core

into the form I have chosen

The heaviness tells me

I am not an angel

or his perfect girl

or any kind of miracle-worker

The heaviness tells me something

I have been needing to know

for a very long time

It speaks to me in a voice from my low belly

It speaks in flashes through my mind

It says:

“You are your own ship.”

*

 

Carry Less

 

Pierce the heart

In all you do

May you pierce the heart

And peer

Into the very light of life that inhabits this form

That form

And every form

*

Can you see

The quintessential hope for recognition?

“See me for what I am!” – we are crying

To do so,

We can soften our gaze

And for just a moment

We let the boundary between you and I cease to exist

*

Now do you remember?

*

A Buddhist teaching says that by now, we have all re-incarnated enough times that at some point, every face you see has been your mother.  And you have been theirs.

Can we even imagine a love this wide?

For one instant, will you contemplate?

And in that moment, will you simply forgive everyone, including yourself?

Will you simply accept everyone, including yourself?

Can you see how hungry this world is for the light of acceptance and love?

Can you face it for one second,

The thought of zero hierarchy happening throughout creation?

I speak of hierarchy of WORTH, not privilege.

There is no one less worthy of love than you.

Truly.

There is no one more worthy of love than you.

Deal with it.

*

At times, I feel myself shaken down to the core of my being.

I have to let so many things go!

It becomes the art of letting go.

I watch the pull to attach

To this reaction and that story

To this narrative that won’t shut-up

To that emotion, swallowing me whole

But none of it holds up to the light of truth now.

*

At times, I fall like Alice down the rabbit hole.

As I fall, I am passing all of these preconceived notions, all these relics from beliefs I once held.

I remember their shape and feel – I reach out to touch –

But they are nothing I can take with me now.

All of it, is only for observation.

The truth lies much deeper

My gravity pulls me to it

And I find myself having

A new kind of adventure

*

Now is the time to carry less

Care more

Carry less

Love more

And let everything else go

*

 

Drop

Drop the story.

Drop knowing.

Drop any boredom you might harbor,

like life isn’t quite good enough for you.

Reach into the construct of your identity, and sift through the nuts and bolts.

Give a loving glance to all this stuff

as your hand grazes the inner-you, the one you can’t separate yourself from

even try as you might.

Would you hold these things, these constructs

and drop them in the Ocean like taking a bath?

You will still be you, but you might feel and act in a different way.

You might see things in a way you didn’t know was possible.

The “seeing” will happen all throughout the body, not just the eyes!

Maybe you’ll weep, like I do

when the whole Universe is revealed through a single photograph

a poem

a kiss.

Forgiving ourselves for forgetting

(constantly, daily)

the sublime honor

of having a heart.

 

*

 

This Is Now

 

Now that both my boys are in therapy

Now that the right medication has been prescribed to the one with mood swings and depression

Now that the one who was recently diagnosed with ADHD is finally qualified to receive extra support from the school district, and he might actually be college-bound after all…

Now that the weight of “fixing it” has been somewhat lifted

Now that I’ve ended the year-long romance that was always only temporary anyway

Now that I’ve successfully scared off all new potential suitors

Now that, day by day, I care less and less about outside opinion

There is a certain beauty in unpopularity, you know.

Now that I am actively forgiving my father

And the father of my childhood best friend

And the rapist

And the stalker

And the one I loved and almost married, who wrestled with demons, who

lost control that one night and gave me the end I was seeking

in spades.

Now that I have grieved and healed and forged on and barely made rent at times

Now my thought is this:

Fuck, I’m tired.

*

And I know the show’s not over, and there is more brilliance than my weary mind can imagine waiting on the other side of this valley.

There is a place to fill my cup, replenish and dance with vibrancy and fearlessness again.

And there will be more valleys, surely, the further into time I walk in this body.

When I reach them, it is possible that I will carry new and powerful tools with which to navigate that terrain.  My dormant talents will have further awakened.  I will be that much more practiced in the art of love alchemy.

This is now.

Not what was, or what will become.

And now, thanks to this stupid sinus infection, I’m forced to rest and miss work.

My task is to care for this body, in its sickness and health.

My to-do list is this:

Rest

Love

Forgive

Repeat

 

 

 

 

Today is the Day

I was going to tell you of my struggles,

But today is not the day for that.

Today is the day to love everyone

Forgive everyone

Embrace everyone

And empty the contents of your heart onto the drawing board of life.

*

Look at the stars

The secret is out there

They are the writing on the wall,

Mirroring everything about us.

The stars shine bright in the dark, dark sky

The darker, the better

Then the more alive, the more lustrous the stars become

Do you ever look at this sky and despise the darkness, but love the light?

Probably not.

It would be so strange to say:

“Only the light is beautiful!”

Without that black night sky

And that empty space

How could we realize

This heavenly creation?

*

Today is the day to love and forgive, as many times as you can.

Let that be your only race.

And the good news is,

You have all the time in the world.

What a gift.

*

Sat Nam