Shadow-Dancing

My quest for God brought me here.

My quest for redemption

and Inner-Peace.

My quest to be a good girl, a nice girl, a Yes Girl

and a sexy amazing successful woman all at the same time.

My quest to cleanse myself from past karma.

My quest for freedom

from self-judgment and self-loathing.

My quest to feel forgiveness.

MY QUEST TO FEEL LOVED

and approved of

and noticed

and special.

My quest to earn validation from others.

My quest to earn that which can never be earned.

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These things brought me here.

Into my shadow-dancing.

Into meeting all the fucked-up characters who reside within me on any given day

or night.

All the broken bits.

All the faces of me I haven’t wanted to love.

All the faces of me I just wanted God to take care of.

I wanted God to fix me, protect me, parent me.

I wanted God to erase my karma and reward me according to my devotion.

I wanted God to carry me like a baby.

And – I know – the Divine has carried me and interceded on my behalf on many occasion in this lifetime.

No doubt.

But God has been hearing my truest prayer

beneath the shallow seeking.

My prayer beneath the constant trying

to earn love from the outside.

My prayer beneath my desire to dissolve and merge

back into God.

I was praying to find the source of Love

the source of God

in me.

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Yeah.

That’s what got me here.

The Divine has heard me.

I have heard me.

I am beginning to honor all the pieces of me

and let me tell you

sometimes the honoring leads to an exorcism.

The collective pain that dwells within any wound

and any wounded character within

has to be felt

for true healing to become possible.

“I have to feel you,”

I say to the voice of shame within,

“I have to know your grief in this, and still love you.”

“I have to feel you,”

I say to the feelings of unworthiness,

“I have to taste your pain, and your deep deep longing.”

“I have to feel you,”

I say to my wounded inner-child,

“I have to feel what you’re going through and know what you need right now.

And then,

I have to provide it.”

Me.

I’m the one who has to carry me now,

leaving no part of my being denied, judged or left out.

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I swear this is the biggest job I’ve ever taken on.

And yet –

I keep touching these places in me, these painful, aching places

and when I can feel them

despite the pain,

and when I can let them be here

with me

without having to change

get pretty

or put on a smile,

in these moments –

I find a deep deep love

and a deep deep longing

for more of my own truth.

More of my own self-acceptance.

In these moments

I know I am tasting God.