It’s hard to describe myself these days.
Everything feels like worlds colliding together, deep within
as I come to slow down to the frequency
In that frequency, I meet all the aspects of myself
that would have otherwise, and have for lifetimes, been buried, rejected and denied
All the ways I became a slave, chasing illusory happiness outside of myself.
All the ways I wanted “love” to come rescue me, heal me + fill me.
Love in the form of a man, love in the form of my children, love in the form of validation and approval from the outside world.
Love in the form of a God outside my very center.
A dependent love.
A “you fix me” kind of love.
Such a hunger, for so long.
But I could never win that way.
I could never appreciate the realness of love, I could never fully receive.
I could never even begin to become one with the trees and the birds, the rivers and the Oceans, tasting the fruit of living awareness.
Tasting the fruit of love + compassion, as the yogini sisters speak of….
I could never savor life.
I was too busy pretending, chasing, hiding from myself.
For years, I called it being a “seeker.”
But an inner-gravity pulls us.
Our truest desires are Unavoidable.
Like the desire to Awaken…the desire to Know Love…the desire to Be Free…
The Universe responds in kind.
And no stone is left unturned for the ones who want it all.
I am born and reborn on this path.
I die and die again.
I kill my inner-demons only to drink their blood and bring them home.
I drink the poison + the medicine and find they are one in the same.
All can lead to eating the fruit of love + compassion, all can be alchemized.
This path isn’t neat + tidy for me.
I must have not wanted it to be. I must have desired to grow in all the ways available to me. I must be like so, so many of us. I recognize myself in others on this path.
Some days, it feels way too hard.
And some days I am in rapture, in awe, feeling the waves of immense love, forgiveness + compassion coming in.
And I still hold back in places, and I’m still learning to Trust.
So I have some practices:
I get very quiet inside as often as I can remember. And I listen. And I feel.
And sometimes I cry and moan, or dance, or pray.
Sometimes I must rage.
And as the shadows make themselves known to me, I welcome them.
The one I hate is me. The one I judge is me.
The one I reject is me. The one I fear is me.
The one I have been waiting for and longing for….is also me.
The one I have been aching for.
The one I have secretly, desperately, been dying to become one with.
I make a nest, in my heart and womb.
And now I see, this beautiful gift…
The gift of loving myself and holding myself and not waiting for permission, or worse – waiting for someone else to do it for me. (Even God. Even Guru.)
Just as my beloved Brother has said: “Do not give a man a fish. Teach him to fish.”
It’s just this way –
God won’t steal your thunder.
God won’t deprive you of the gift of getting all the way down into the bottom of who you think you are, who you have believed yourself into being.
The gift of facing all of you, all the hidden, all the unseen.
All the faces you’ve ever owned.
Every face you never wanted to see again, each of them – you will see, and you will fall to your knees and offer your love.
You will let them come home, where they can heal….and rest. (They are so tired)
You will promise not to abandon them ever again.
You will promise not to betray them or cast them out.
The face of shame, unworthiness, hatred and fear. The face of lust and greed, the face of neediness, jealousy, narcissism and victim. The face of apathy.
The face of loneliness. The face of rejection.
The face of domination, perpetration, rage and perversion.
The face of hiding, the face of seeking approval, the face of grief.
All of these and many more, you will bring home.
You will see them reflected all around you, and you will find them in yourself, little pieces like broken glass and sometimes a huge buried monster…
dying for your love.
When ignored, these faces are like leeches
sucking your life force.
They will run the show and convince you to create more and more drama in your external reality
until you begin to bring them home.
The path is like this.
It crushes my bones sometimes. It cuts off my head.
It turns me inside out.
It flattens every false belief.
It flattens every pretense.
It burns a holy fire I am cleansing myself in,
and it dares me to get very, very naked.
It gets me to listen, just so I can hear it say:
“You do it. Love yourself as I have loved you. Love it all.
Fiercely. Gently. Courageously. Fearlessly and Shamelessly.
Love yourself. Know this love, the living water.”