Don’t Gaslight Yourself

A friend and I have been discussing the experience of facing the truth – in relationships, in the world, in how we show up as ourselves or not as ourselves, in how we treat our bodies, in how we treat those close to us, and in how we experience the inner-voice.

First of all, any message – within our own minds, from the media, from a lover or a friend or a group or a cause or a family member or a psychic or a guru or a teacher or a guardian – any message we receive that tells us we are inherently bad, or “they” are inherently bad  – is bullshit.

In so many ways – we must re-learn how to trust our gut.

If the message feels bad, that’s our first cue to check it out.  

Why does it feel bad?

Before having another beer or going shopping or watching porn or yelling at someone or going cold inside or eating too much or driving too fast or having disconnected sex or making another compromise or going after more money or proving your point — pause for a minute and ask:  Why do I feel bad right now?  What is the feeling inside that I’m trying to get away from?  What is it, and what is it telling me? 

Is it uneasy?

Is it hard to pinpoint?

Is it grotesque?

Does it contrast (at all) with the feeling of being inherently OK?

Does it derail me (even a little) from knowing that I am good?

What is this feeling that is telling me to escape?

Don’t feel this this.

What is this feeling that keeps me from letting myself pause?

Rest.

Feel.

For many of us, pausing will feel uncomfortable, especially if we’re out of practice.

Pausing can feel downright irritating, painful or even horrifying.

Like the whole house of cards might come crashing down.  

These illusions about what we are chasing and what we are running away from….they might not survive the fire of awareness that exists in one singular pause.

Pausing  and noticing will often sound like a terrible idea (or even a terribly boring idea) when there is inner work waiting patiently for us to show up and buckle up.

For me personally, I don’t know how I would be able to handle the inner work at all without the experience of Guru, without my beloved chant teacher, without the healing love from family and a few close friends.  Although I have been blessed with my share of struggles, I also recognize that my soul was drawn to certain experiences to lead me to Guru, which I understand as Supreme Consciousness and Bliss.  Less of me and more of That,  please.  

And yet, I continue to find myself faced with experiences of needing to create boundaries, dealing with ego, finding out how to become more truthful within myself, how to change patterns, how to pause when I feel angry, how to pause when my heart is closed, how to pause when I feel doubt.

When we follow any train of thought that derails us from knowing that we are (inherently) OK, that we are (inherently) good, and that we are (in fact) the embodiment of pure love — we naturally want to escape.

Because want to feel better.  

And because somewhere, deep inside, we know that those self-destructive thoughts are simply NOT TRUE.

Even our subconscious mind is pulling us back to recognizing our essential nature, and even in our ignorance we are chiseling away at uncovering the true brilliance that is our birthright.

Even self-sabotaging behavior is another way of trying to feel better.  We want to distract ourselves from the real pain and the real feelings by creating alternate overwhelming feelings or numbness to feelings.  We are pulling the wool  over our own eyes.

The common self-sabotaging behaviors that are discussed widely include: remaining in abusive relationships, seeking out abusive relationships, food/eating disorders, cutting, alcohol/substance addiction, gambling addiction, porn addiction, you-name-it addiction, etc., etc.

But it can also look like not speaking our truth in our relationships, and even in our day-to-day dealings with people. It can look like all the little transgressions that we don’t speak up about, that we settle for, that we perpetuate.  It can look like staying on the surface of things and sweeping important issues under the rug.

Smiling when we feel like shit inside.

This kind of self-sabotage, or what I call “self-gaslighting,” can look like experiencing jealousy and not talking about it because I’m not supposed to feel jealousy.  Because feeling jealous is not very cool or evolved or hot or sexy or mature or kind or whatever it is I’m supposed to be.

If I hold that energy inside, I don’t feel good.  If I go into denial about having jealous feelings, I’m suppressing my own awareness.  The more I attempt to numb out to that feeling, the more I am derailing myself.  The mind will likely chip in a few thoughts of condemnation (like “wow, you are so weak for having this feeling” or even “you’re so self-absorbed for feeling jealous; someone more evolved wouldn’t have that problem”). This kind of situation can become its own catch-22, full of feeling bad about feeling bad!  

Anyone who has allowed self-defeating thoughts to derail them a lot or a little will relate to the rabbit hole of self-criticism we can wander into — the checklist of failures appears and suddenly the proof is all there for the various ways that we have somehow not measured up.

In a situation that happened earlier this year, an experience of Grace occurred when I was staying out at my friend’s house on the island.  I had gone there to clear my head and my heart and reground.  It was late, and I was lying in bed under clean sheets in a room that is filled with my Guru’s energy.  Suddenly, I was prompted to energetically pull all of the love that I had been giving back into myself, and I could reach back for years or even lifetimes and pull all that love and all that effort into my current self, the one experiencing the suffering of jealousy.

The love of my ancestors was also present, like love attracting more of itself and pulling even greater love into the receptive vessel that is my heart.  My Gurus and my Angels were in the room, as well.  It was truly bright, and I have never felt so protected.

I suddenly realized: I can trust myself.  

I can constantly turn to this Love that is completely free and ever-available.

All I have to do is open my heart to receive it.

I went to sleep content that night, knowing I didn’t have to be or do anything to be cradled by the Infinite experience of Love.  Knowing…in truth….I am That.

And when I woke up, guess what?

The work was still waiting for me.  It was still necessary to deal with that icky feeling.  It hadn’t quite left yet.

Jealousy.

Dammit.  Gross.  

I feel ugly.  

I feel less than whole.

 I feel less worthy.  

I feel unloved.  

I feel abandoned, rejected, lonely, scared.

I feel out of control.

I feel blah blah blah.

It doesn’t matter if I’m in a relationship or not.

I don’t actually need another person to fix this for me.

I need to hear an inner voice (the voice of Truth) say:

I love you.
You’re OK.
Your outer identity is not you.
Your experiences are not you.
Your feelings and thoughts are not you.
The life within you is good.
The life within you is sacred.
You are more than OK.

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And if you ARE in relationship, having these feelings – hopefully both you and your partner have the bandwidth to hold space for each other when jealousy or other sticky-tricky emotions come up.

When we allow ourselves to be vulnerable enough to share our truth, however awkward and shadowy it may be, we are honoring the is-ness of our state of being.

When others receive us with love and kindness in our vulnerability, they are also honoring the is-ness of our state of being.

Most likely this comes from their ability to honor themselves.

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For me personally, telling my shadows to be quiet and invisible has never actually worked.

Telling my uncomfortable feelings and my intuition to shut-up was the self-gaslighting that let me stay in more than one shitty relationship.

It is quite possible to drive yourself mad through self-gaslighting.

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If you have forgotten that you are OK, don’t run and don’t go numb, just pause and feel for a moment.

Most of us don’t transform our lives and behaviors overnight.

It becomes a series of remembering, bringing our attention back to the truth of our nature, which is goodness and effortlessly deserving of love.

If I am full of bad feelings, I can pause.

I might cry or breathe or cuddle my cat or pray or call somebody or go into a process of self-inquiry, with real curiosity and non-judgement.

From a more loving place, I might still drink a beer or eat more ice cream.  But I might enjoy it more.  I might have less desperate and escapist feelings about it.  I might even consciously free myself of any thought that is not compassionate, kind and loving toward myself.

Eventually, I might not even go for the ice cream or the beer.

But that won’t make me a better person.

The objective is love.

If I can love myself more, as I wake up daily to this thing called life…then I know I am on the right track.

*

Grace be with you.

Namaste.

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Full Moon in Aquarius & Venus Kissing Jupiter in Virgo

Big Moon blessings, dear ones!

La Luna’s exact fullness happens this morning (August 18th) at 2:27 am PDT.  Tonight and tomorrow night are perfect for ritual and reflection.  Full Moon energy is opulent, and the positions of the rest of our neighboring planets becomes highlighted when we reach this point in the lunar cycle – for now begins the harvest.

The Sun in Leo with La Luna ripe in Aquarius makes for some interesting dynamics within astrology.  I like to tune in and get quiet ESPECIALLY at the New Moon and the Full Moon.  I’ve noticed that I’m often socializing more at the waxing and waning quarter Moons, when Luna is squaring the Sun.  Maybe that’s just me, but I encourage you to tune in with this Full Moon and see for yourself what the planets are telling you.  

Full Moon in Aquarius is creative, quirky and rebellious.  Aquarius is the energy-bearer and the revolutionary.  He facilitates transformation. However, he is also a fixed sign (along with Taurus, Leo and Scorpio).  His determination and vision is kind of like the gold-medal athlete, if you will – because he is fully committed to the universal collective.  Aquarius is quite ego-less, in his essential nature.

The modern ruler of Aquarius is Uranus, the planet of liberation, awakening and higher mind.  The energy of Uranus is constantly helping us dismantle that which no longer serves in order to pave the way for a new paradigm, which is being revealed as we enter the Aquarian Age. (Uranus is currently retrograde in Aries – he goes direct on 12/29/16 at 20 degrees Aries.  The specific energies of the outer planets are particularly helpful in looking at the world stage, as they are in each sign for a very long time, revealing larger mass influence)

The traditional ruler of Aquarius, however, is Saturn – also known as “the disciplinarian.”  Saturn provides structure and containment, rules and regulations, boundaries and limitations.  He is as practical as he is authoritarian.  He also provides real, tangible support. (Saturn is in Sagittarius, and Mars is preparing to meet him for their conjunction on 8/24/16 – my last new moon post goes in depth about their arrangement in the skies: New Moon in Leo and the Dance of Saturn and Mars )

The Aquarian Full Moon lies opposite the Leo Sun, each at 26 degrees in their respective signs.  While the inner (Moon) voice is telling us to create change for the good of all beings, the expressive (Sun) voice is saying shine on, shine on, shine on!  Share your gifts!  Tap into your talents and let them be seen.

On Venus:

The Venus/Jupiter conjunction is coming up on August 27th, while Luna is in her Crone phase.  Venus will meet Jupiter in 27 degrees Virgo at 3:30 pm PDT on that day.  Venus is debilitated in Virgo, but she is exalted by Jupiter all the same.  No other planet can showcase the beauty of Venus like Jupiter can.  You can catch both Venus and Jupiter setting in the Western horizon shortly after 9 pm PDT.

Venus and Jupiter have a beautiful affair in which they dance together roughly every 13 months, so they kind of loop over the signs.  They met up last summer on 8/4/15  at 22 degrees Leo, and after this conjunction they won’t meet again until 11/13/17 when Venus graces over Jupiter in 7 degrees Scorpio.

Venus remains in practical Virgo until August 29th, two days after her conjunction with the benevolent and expansive Jupiter.  On that day, Venus will drop into the gracious sign of Libra, her domicile.  Venus rules Libra and Taurus, but she is exalted in Pisces (who is ruled by Jupiter and Neptune).

Another thing to pay attention to is that between 8/12/16-8/25/16, Jupiter, Mercury and Venus in Virgo (and in that order) will take turns opposing Chiron (the wounded-warrior) in Pisces.  Chiron in our natal chart represents the wound that never heals.  The house and sign he dwells in will give you important information regarding the areas in life to focus on your own healing.  By discovering the places within us that need extra care, we are also discovering priceless keys to compassion toward others.

Virgo is no-nonsense, earthy practicality and meticulous intellect.  Her focus is health, wellness and daily routines.  Let Venus in Virgo and her expanded influence under Jupiter guide you in organizing your self-care right now.  If you can, locate where Virgo is in your natal chart to understand her influence upon your life.  This will expand your awareness of the upcoming Venus/Jupiter conjunction and make it applicable to your life!

As always, many blessings, with this Moon and always.

Life is short and so very precious, let us not waste the time we have been given here. 

XO

~ Misfit Mystic

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This month’s beautiful Full Moon image was provided by the talented Michael Ludwig, who can be found at http://www.5edges.wordpress.com

Image capture: 8:57 pm PDT 8/17/16

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For those looking for an astrologer in the Seattle area, I highly recommend my teachers:

Stephanie Gailing @ http://www.stephaniegailing.com

Megan Skinner @ http://www.meganskinner.com

I can also be reached for natal chart and synastry readings.  Please contact me at misfitmysticblog@gmail.com to inquire.

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To The One Who Explains Love

You have taken me, prodded me, across the Universe

into this human life

To teach me, yet again,

how real your Love is.

You have called me back to you, and I have chased your light

through many wormholes

of space and time, though many versions

of what I experience as “myself” –

Big and small

High and low

Holy and profane

Any shred of a notion that you or I or him or her or they or it could be separate from the whole

separate from each other

has slipped away

Like a dream that makes less and less sense as we wake up….

*

The one who explains love is laughing.

He says: “There is only one currency!” 

And I am laughing, too, and crying

as he speaks to me, driving the lotus of his heart directly into mine.

“Do you remember the parable of the son who returns to his father after many years of staying away and squandering his fortune?  

After so many years, so much loss, pain, struggle – he goes back to his family, haggard and tired and broken by his choices.  He’s done enough terrible things and caused enough damage that he really doesn’t expect much at this point.  But the father is running toward him upon his arrival.  He accepts his son with open arms.  

He only sees love returning.

The other son, who has stayed with his father and worked hard, playing it safe and proving his loyalty, is somehow unable to meet his returning brother with open arms.  He is jealous and feels threatened and is consumed by thoughts of ‘me’ and ‘mine’ and ‘this isn’t fair.’

We are all three: the son, the father, the brother.

It is the invisible nectar of love that can heal every wound, resolve every mistake and awaken us to real happiness.”

I am touching the feet of the one who explains,

and I feel the truth of his words:

“The only currency is love, children.” 

*

The one who explains love looks at me, dissolving me with his gaze.

His eyes are twinkling again.

The sky is full of meteors tonight, and my heart is in his hands.

He knows I am teachable now.

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New Moon in Leo and the Dance of Saturn and Mars

As I write this, the Crone Moon is riding the waves of Cancer, keeping me domestic and tender.  She is guiding us within even as she prepares to light us up with the fiery and brave intentions of Leo, the noble Lion.  She enters the sign of Leo on Monday at 6:12pm PDT, and her newness will be exact at 1:45pm PDT on Tuesday, August 2nd

Leo the Lion is tossing his mane right now!

When La Luna is reborn as new, she is directly within the light of the Sun, which is why we don’t see her.  This time can offer so much illumination, for the life-giver (Sun) is in perfect alignment with the inner-self, the emotional self, the secret self: which is represented by Moon.

Month by month, we look at where this is happening in our PERSONAL natal chart in order to gain clarity and direction regarding how the illumination is happening SPECIFICALLY within our individual lives.  When you read horoscopes, I highly recommend that you read them according to your RISING sign, not your sun sign.  If you do not know your rising sign, www.astro.com is a great resource for this.  Go to “extended chart selection” under “Free Horoscopes” and you will easily be able to pull your own chart for free (chart type: Natal Chart Wheel).  I recommended selecting “whole signs” under “House System” (under “Options”).  I talk a little about why I use the whole sign house system in my “about” section on this blog.

This month, we are in the time of self-expression, pleasure and passion.  Leo himself is ruled by the Sun, and the Sun is all about IDENTITY and PURPOSE.  Leo the Lion is dramatic and theatrical by nature, and he shines from the sheer pleasure of DOING WHAT HE LOVES TO DO.  His true nature is loyal and honorable, offering his heart of gold to his close relationships.  The world is a stage for the Lion; he is an exhibitionist and an extrovert, which some of us can relate to and some of us can’t.  But the thing to remember is that he exists for all of us.  All of us contain the entire zodiac within us, for each house is ruled by one of the twelve signs.  So you might not identify strongly with Leo characteristics (or you might), but Leo does preside over a certain area of your life, astrologically-speaking.

If your Sun/Moon/Ascendant/North Node is in Leo, you will undoubtedly be experiencing a certain spotlight and intensity right now, and you may feel “personally” reborn or re-ignited at this time.  But for all of us, this bright, successful, charismatic and joyful Leo style pervades some aspect of our charts.  For me, Leo rules my 3rd house of writing, intellect and communication.  I also have Saturn in my 3rd house, the disciplinarian.  Saturn makes us work.  But he also rewards us with structural support and tangible outcomes – when WE WORK (more precisely, when we work where our work is needed/appreciated).  So I’m letting this Moon speak to me specifically in this area.

Doing the “personal research” to find out how what signs rule what houses in your natal chart is easy and free!  I offer natal chart coaching sessions on a donation basis to help people understand the basics of their personal astrology and how planetary transits are affecting them now.  My contact information is below.  Sessions are completely confidential.

This New Moon in Leo is being ignited even further by the fact that Mars, planet of passion and action, is moving into Sagittarius on Tuesday at 10:49 am PDT.  You might be well-versed in the latest Mars retrograde “escapade” – or you might not – so here’s a little recap:

Mars began his retrograde at 8° Sagittarius on April 17th of this year.  He fell back into Scorpio on May 28th.  He stationed direct at 23° Scorpio on June 29th Now he is switching signs (and houses) for the last time until he enters Capricorn on September 27th.  He won’t retrograde again until June 2018, so hopefully we have learned something from this “recoiling” of Mars energy.  We all need to be able to utilize our passion and desire, we need to have an outlet for aggressive energy, we need permission (from ourselves!) to be direct and ask for what we want.

Mars and Saturn will be dancing together in Sagittarius again come the New Moon.  The dance of these two very masculine, challenging and hard-working planets really began back on February 19th when Mars reached 23° Scorpio, a specific point that we would later see lit up for an extended period of time when Mars stationed direct at that degree on June 29th.  While Mars is re-entering Sagittarius, Saturn is hanging out at 9° Sagittarius, which is significant because Mars was at 8° Sagittarius when he went retrograde on April 17thAt the point of the Mars retrograde, Saturn was at 15° Sagittarius, and Saturn will return to that degree on November 7th of this year (the day before the much-anticipated United States presidential election).

On a larger scale, we can look at the Mars/Saturn dance as spanning from 2/19/16-11/24/16.

For tracking the personal lessons that are being revealed by the Mars retrograde, pay attention to events between 4/17/16-8/21/16 (Mars began his retrograde at 8° Sagittarius on 4/17, and he will return to that degree on 8/21).

The most recent Saturn retrograde began on March 25th when the planet of structure and containment was at 16° Sagittarius.  He will go direct on August 13th, a few days before our next Full Moon, at 9° Sagittarius.  He himself will return to 16° Sagittarius on November 16th of this year.

I know some of you might feel lost with this information right now, but try to pay attention to these dates – both the things that happen directly on or near these dates, but also the over-arching life experiences and lessons happening within the bookends of the two time frames I have listed above.

If you have access to your natal chart, hone in on the area between 23° Scorpio and 16° Sagittarius.  Which houses are being affected?  What planets/asteroids/angles/nodes exist here?  This particular segment of your chart has been getting A LOT of attention, and that won’t really let up until after November 24th, when Saturn moves beyond 16° Sagittarius.

On August 24th, Mars and Saturn will make their exact conjunction at 9° Sagittarius.  I will discuss this further when I share my thoughts regarding our next Full Moon on August 18th.  The main thing to keep in mind is that Mars is action and Saturn is discipline.  Together they can accomplish a lot, if their influence is being channeled for growth and constructive action.  The fact that they are joining up in Sagittarius is great news because the Archer is both adventurous and benevolent, kind and driven, brave and compassionate.  Sagittarius is mutable (changeable) and ruled by Jupiter, the planet of expansion and good fortune.

Saturn obviously moves more slowly than Mars because he is farther from the Sun and his orbit is larger, but he will be moving ESPECIALLY slow around the time that he is stationing direct on the 13th.  Remember, this is all happening in our perception from Earth, and this is exactly how we will harness the power of these heightened times: through our perception.

I am a firm believer in the power of self-inquiry.  See for yourself what happens when you dig into your own astrology.  See how your perception might shift when you read your horoscopes based on your rising sign instead of your Sun sign.

Our individual lives co-create the pattern of the world stage.  It is irresponsible for any of us to hide our gifts at this time.

If we are unsure of where our talents lie and how to bring them out, diving into self-inquiry is a great way to get in touch with the “you” that came here to shine in a specific way.  Self-love and self-care are essential components in unlocking our gifts.  There is no shame in prioritizing our health and well-being.  The world needs our vibrancy and our willingness, not a limiting shadow of who we really are.

There is a quote from the Gospel of Thomas (found in the Gnostic Gospels) that I simply love, and I feel that it applies well with this Leo New Moon:

“If you bring forth what is within you, what you bring forth will save you. If you do not bring forth what is within you, what you do not bring forth will destroy you.”

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Currently, I do not write horoscopes for each sign.  Instead, I give a general overview of how specific planets in our solar system are affecting us astrologically, centering around the New Moon and Full Moon.  When I give natal chart coaching sessions, I discuss your personal astrology as well as the current planetary transits that are at play and what areas of your life are being affected by those transits.

For information about booking a session with me, I may be contacted at: misfitmysticblog@gmail.com

Much love and New Moon blessings!

Also, here is a beautiful song by Dead Can Dance (called “Rakim” on their album Toward the Within).

https://youtu.be/kq59rEVWQNI

If this song doesn’t set the tone for a favorable New Moon, I don’t know what does!

Shine on.

 

~ Misfit Mystic