The Walk

God-Realization is beautiful and terrifying, it is so vast.

Redemption is beautiful and terrifying, it is so vast.

Love.

Is beautiful.

And terrifying.

It is so vast.

My friends,

You know all there is to know.

The secret is out,

The whispers have become murmurs and the murmurs have become songs

And now more and more people are chanting

And knocking at the door of Truth

Because, what else is there?

The Love Paradigm exists: brilliantly, flawlessly, ceaselessly, unconditionally.

The Love Paradigm will be there when everything else falls away –

Even if you were to experience loss like Job in the Bible,

The Love Paradigm will reveal itself to you….It leaves no corner of the Universe untouched; It dwells within every closet, valley, illness, shadow and dark corner we can imagine.

It is so vast.

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The ones who know are generally silent about it

I speak because I have so much left to know

And I speak because I am a seeker, yearning to describe the experience of unveiling Truth within my own life, within my own mind.

I have seen the Vastness

It has popped the bubble of my small mind

It has been carving windows into my heart

And these windows are portals to Grace

The light flows in and out of them,

And when I sit by these windows, within my own heart,

I am witness to unspeakable Love.

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One of my best friends has described her first vision of an angel as “a golden wheel on fire with many eyeballs.”  She saw this as a teenager, without the use of drugs.  She was actually sitting in a church when it happened.  She later learned that many awakened souls have seen angels in the form of a wheel.

The wheel makes sense: the full cycle of formation, evolution and completion – over and over.  The turning of life.  The eyeballs, too: seeing, knowing, experiencing.  Perceiving, witnessing, absorbing.  And the fire: Moses saw God in the form of a burning bush.  What is it about flames that represent our divine nature?

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We are formless

Deathless

Intrinsically connected

The merging of our atoms takes place energetically on this physical plane

And who’s to say how our souls merge when we are no longer in this body?

There is nothing to hide from and nothing to withhold.

Spirit is calling out to anyone who will listen:

“Love now, Children!  We are in a time of great need.”

Spirit calls us sweetly, but like a Mother, She resorts to any measure to get you to come home.

If the yodeling and serenade don’t work outside your window,

You may feel a huge gust of wind, an earthquake or a storm.

The tumultuous forces of change are also Grace,

Waking us up from aimlessness, boredom, fear, hatred and doubt.

Look around: you will see the human affliction every day.

But today, rather than creating a shield –

Today, may we feel more deeply

See more clearly

Hear more dearly

and love fearlessly

Today,

May we honor the heart in every soul we meet.

Let that be the service

The practice

The walk

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Unexpected Miracles (Jumping Tracks)

I’ve been busy.

In the past two weeks, I ended a romantic relationship that wasn’t right for me, got fired from my job, and took a major step toward healing my relationship with my father.  “Intense” is an understatement for this combination of life events!

And actually, it happened like a domino effect, with a background of loving support from friends and an inner-seeking that offers much illumination.

I said “no” to the relationship that didn’t feel right for me.  My “no” paved the way for my “Yes.”  Saying “no” to what I don’t want to experience let me say “Yes” to what I do want to experience.  Space and time are not linear, and our conversation with the Universe is about many things all at once.  I wasn’t just saying “no” to that relationship.  I was saying “no” to feeling limited and having my energy zapped.  I was saying “Yes” to freedom and expansion.  I was saying “Yes” to protecting and fostering my juicy, succulent energy.

Lo and behold, one week later I was fired from my job of almost 8 years.  Without going into details, I will simply say that my working there was not in alignment with my “Yes.”  I ended up saying “no” to what I experienced as toxic treatment in the workplace, and my “Yes” was granted in the form of getting fired.

It was a shock and felt traumatic at first.  Fearful thoughts happened:

“This is my livelihood!”

“How will I feed my kids and pay the bills?”

“I’ve failed!” 

But as the tears and fear subsided, I began to feel such energetic lightness that I knew Grace was at work.  The Universe has heard my “Yes” and It is saying “Yes” in return.

Three days after getting fired, an incredibly healing conversation happened with my father.  I have an estranged relationship with him, which has been a source of pain for my almost my whole life.  Healing my relationship with him is a necessary part of my own healing and my own awakening.  I am also realizing, more and more, that I will quite possibly continue to experience shadow-work in my relationships with men while I have unfinished healing with my father.

The Universe heard my “Yes.”

I am simply in awe of these unexpected miracles.

As I observe the unfolding of my soul’s journey, I see how transformative Grace is, and how this transformation can happen in so many ways.

Sometimes, we are simply guided to steer the boat (representing our life and choices) in a different direction – even subtle shifts in navigation will lead us to an entirely different destination.  This can look like changes in how we take care of ourselves, how we operate in relationships, how we prioritize that which matters to us.  This kind of steering is constant, and we are always making adjustments as we journey through our days and nights.

There are other times when we are guided (or sometimes forced) to “jump tracks.”  We still have our boat (our life and choices), but we are being placed in an entirely different set of circumstances, different waters.  This can look like getting fired or quitting a job.  It can look like ending relationships, by choice or not.  It can look like changing residence or giving up addiction, by choice or not.  It can look like losing a loved one.  It can look like surrendering.

As we jump tracks, as we find ourselves IN that process, it is as if we have wings – we are existing without knowing how, without having control, security, stability, constancy.  In these times, a greater change is happening upon our souls than we can fathom with the human mind. 

The beauty in the void of creation, this Darkness if you will, is that it contains

so much energy.  

It is the tide pulling in on itself. 

In these times of jumping tracks, we are offered temporary relief from the dull trappings of ego.  Suddenly, we DON’T know what’s going to happen next, how it’s all going to play out, or what our new tracks will be.  We can panic and freak out, cry and resist – all of these are valid emotions when faced with change.

The thing to remember is that it is ALL energy.

As the mind quiets, as the ego takes a rest, we are witness to the incredible POTENTIAL of this time.  Life energy is living, changing, dying and being reborn – perpetually evolving and teeming with possibilities.

As I find myself in this space, all I can think to ask for is this:

“Great Spirit, use me to my full potential.

I am a vessel for Your light.

You are my shepherd and I am Your lamb.

You are the lover, and I the beloved.”

 

Blessed be!

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Full Moon in Capricorn and Here Comes the Leo Sun!

Pregnant Luna reaches fullness on July 19th at 3:57 pm PDT in the steady and hardworking sign of Capricorn. 

Her ripeness in Capricorn symbolizes the collective need to “get to work.”  What needs to be done?  This can mean finishing up lingering projects and crossing off the to-do list.  It can mean tuning in to your pragmatic side, the part of you that is willing to take things step-by-step as well as give things the final push.  It can also mean setting aside time to go within and look at the “bigger picture” of your existence.

If you believe in soul-contracts (agreements our souls make before taking birth), you might feel a sense of purpose bubbling up for you with this Full Moon.  You might even feel like your higher self is demanding that you show up and pay attention.  Old patterns and ways of being that don’t work are simply unsustainable now.  Capricorn is represented by the Goat, and she is concerned with functionality and practicality.  She is cardinal earth, which means she takes initiative to create grounded and tangible change.  She is here to weed out the behaviors and thought patterns that are stumbling blocks or traps.  She is high-functioning and helps us keep a steady pace on the path of life.  She is ruled by Saturn, the disciplinarian, which gives her major willpower and the ability to focus.

Luna’s exact fullness marks a void period until she enters Aquarius at 8:10 pm PDT.  The void Moon is a time to reflect, go within and listen.  Find the pause in the wheel of life; find perspective.

This Full Moon is also the celebration of Guru Purnima, a sacred festival originating from India and Nepal in which the teacher or guru is honored.  The Sanskrit word “guru” can be defined simply as “the darkness destroyer” (gu = darkness, ru = destroyer).  It is a great gift to experience a teacher who lights our path and brings us into greater awareness, understanding, respect and love.

It is beautiful to take some time with this Moon to offer thanks for those teachers and gurus who have guided us and supported us, who have challenged us and accepted us and loved us.  The true teacher is here to reflect the light within the student.  It is a blessing both ways.

During the Full Moon, the Sun lies directly opposite Luna.  The Sun is finishing up his stay in the waters of Cancer, and he is preparing to enter the domain of Leo this Friday (July 22nd) at 2:30 am PDT. 

The Sun illuminates the house in your chart that is ruled by the sign in which he is traveling.  We all have the entire zodiac within us, in different ways.  Each sign represents an “aspect” of being.  Leo is all about self-expression.  He is noble, courageous and charming.  He can come across as ego-centric or even selfish when his energy is out of balance.  In truth, Leo understands that self-love and self-expression are key components of spreading joy in the world.

The Sun will be joining Venus and Mercury in Leo, who entered the Lion’s Den last week, setting the stage for the pinnacle of Summer.  Leo values art, romance, creativity, family, love and performance.  Leo can be indulgent, like the ripe Summer harvest.  So: the self (Sun), the mind (Mercury) and feminine love energy (Venus) are all in the Lion’s Den together again – and the sign of fixed fire is igniting everyone’s sense of self.  The ego can also get ignited under this fire sign, and when too many aggrandized egos start crowding a room – well, we all know it ain’t pretty.

Hop off the ego train and use the fire of Leo to light up your purpose and your path. 

Your wellness, your brightness, your talent and your heart are much needed in the world.  This planet is in so much pain, so much confusion, and the wheel of karma is plowing forward at tremendous speed.  Can we respond with quiet kindness?  Can we offer the alchemy that is necessary to turn apathy into caring, hate into forgiveness and fear into love?

What we have considered “self” is the biggest lie that we have been feeding ourselves for centuries upon centuries.

Small self is a shadow of the truth of What Is. 

When small self thinks it is in charge, it feeds the creation of a false paradigm in which many small selves are competing for attention and power.  This has manifested as a world full of conflict, poverty, violence, abuse, pain and disease.

However, the Universe is self-correcting.  She may just self-correct humans out of existence if we can’t get our act together.

On another note, as La Luna wanes from her fullness into Crone and back into the darkness of new beginnings, Mars will be retracing his steps in Scorpio back into Sagittarius.  He has regained his usual speed after stationing direct, so any mire we may have been feeling from June 19th – July 12th should be clearing up or at least MOVING in a new direction by now.  This can also speak to desires coming to fruition, romance taking off (or falling apart), and inner conflict sorting itself out.

Mars energy is HOT, and he is currently heating up the final degrees of Scorpio (again).  Scorpio encourages shadow work and deep exploration of emotions and our sensual/sexual nature.  Scorpio is anything but superficial and she doesn’t care about societal norms, which is why she is so often shrouded in mystery.

For those of you who are geeky like me, you might find it useful to know that from now until our next New Moon, Mars will be retracing the same territory he was in from:

May 27th – June 12th

February 22nd – March 7th

Mars energy is powerful, and this past Mars retrograde certainly threw me for a loop, so I wanted to share these dates for the sake of reflection.

Mars will re-enter Sagittarius on August 2nd on the day of the New Moon.

This is potent energy available to us, dear ones!

I wish you magickal transformation and radical self-love.

xo

Misfit Mystic

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Full Moon photo by the talented Michael Ludwig.  Find his writings and more photos at 5edges.wordpress.com

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Cultivating Light, pt.2

I’m back on the island for the weekend.  Right now, my only company is my friend’s African-Grey parrot, who I will call Sam.  Sam and I have a very sweet relationship.  Except for that one time last Sunday when she bit me.  That has never happened before and it will never happen again.  I was not pleased about having a bloody, throbbing finger (although it was my fault for trying to pet her cute little head).  I went to bed resentful of her rude behavior and I didn’t chat with her much the following morning.  She is very sensitive to vibes and she quickly caught on that I was ignoring her.  I wasn’t trying to punish her; I just wasn’t ready to talk yet.  My feelings were hurt.

Throughout the day, she kept upping her game with me, saying things like “good morning!” and “how are you?” quite often.  She even started saying “later gater” a lot in this cute robotic voice because she heard me laugh after she tried it out.  My friend has owned Sam for almost 30 years, since she was a 6-month old babe.  He knows her really, really well and is very in tune with her moods and what she is communicating.  He said it was good that I was giving her the silent-treatment to reinstate my dominance.  So I just waited until I was over being mad, and then I was able to re-engage with Sam without a grudge.  She won me back when she said “Night-night, sweetheart” in a loving, lilting voice.  I laughed fully and my heart felt soft and glowing. I asked her that we instate a mutual “no biting each other” agreement, and we moved on.

I wish it was so easy with people!  Specifically, I wish it was so easy with lovers.

I wish I could be more Zen about the whole Sex thing.

I wish my heart wasn’t in my vagina.  I wish I could love “casually” without getting too “attached.”

I wish feeling triggered or hurt wasn’t part of my experience.  (No bad feelings, please!  They are so inconvenient!)

And I don’t wish these things because I think it would make me a better person or a cooler person, or even a more desirable woman.  I wish these things because it would be less painful for ME!

However, to my utter amazement, I am finding that I can’t turn away from love anymore.  I can’t turn the lights off and go back to sleep.  I can’t pretend something doesn’t hurt when it does.  I can’t close my heart and cut connections just because I’m scared.  The heart stays open.

By some divine power, my heart is being kept open.  Waves of emotion pass through it.  I’m feeling the truth of painful feelings – what is it about?  I am seeing that some things are about relating, here and now, in present time.  How personalities mesh.  How chemistry is strengthened or weakened.

And I am seeing the trail of thoughts and feelings that are triggered by sharing myself closely with a lover, regardless of the present experience.  The trail keeps leading me back to the same yucky, muddy pond.  The same sadness, the same hurt.

I realized today that I am almost the same age that my mother was when my father left her for another woman.  There had already been infidelities, I’m sure, but the affair that made him leave was the beginning of a hellish time for my mother and my little sister and I.

The story of that challenging time is not what is important.  What matters is the little girl (age 11) who was left to sift through rubble and pick up broken pieces with her mother, for years.  What matters is that she hasn’t healed completely yet, and she is still, will always be, me.  Her healing is intrinsic to my own, as a woman and as a soul.

Little girls are not women.  I am not the only woman walking around with a scared, hurt, confused little girl inside of her.  And there are men, many men, with scared, hurt, confused little boys inside of them.  We are not bad for not being all grown-up and put together.  We do not suck for struggling.

Really, we are being handed keys to our own healing.  Whenever we are triggered, we are given an opportunity to trace it back to a place where we can have compassion for ourselves.  So often, our hurts are left over from our childhood.  We can hold space for that healing to occur in our hearts and minds, just by imagining ourselves as children, innocent and deserving of kindness and love.  (if you can’t imagine that, it’s ok! imagine yourself as a newborn baby.  you were innocent.  you still are, believe it or not.)

Now, we layer the cake of our experiences with the generations who have gone before us, and we see how very deep the suffering goes, how very deep the need for healing goes.

We are all feeling the sadness of world events right now.  There is a collective heaviness, a worn and tired dismay, and a protective urge to shield, to numb and to hide.  There is also a reactive urge for some to lash out and seek revenge.

But we just can’t keep doing that.

I can’t hide from my “daddy-issues” anymore.  It’s not very fun for my dating life.  I can’t just pretend something is working for me.  My temple, my body, is completely divine and anyone who enters my temple is blessed and also carries responsibility.  I deserve care and love and kindness.  I deserve truth and commitment and connection.  When I pretend like I don’t need those things, I feel like shit!

We, collectively, cannot hide from our issues.  We cannot hide from systemic racism and sexism.  We cannot hide from economic oppression.  We cannot hide from gun violence and fear-mongering and hate crimes.

These things are waking us up like an awful nightmare.  Instead of spinning around in debates and defenses, we can just feel this.  Eventually, we are going to feel this.

And then we can stop denying it and pretending.  We can stop blaming and victimizing.  We can stop stuffing our shame and our guilt with bullshit distractions.  We can just stop.

I have to heal my heart wounds in order to love freely and joyously.  Sometimes I feel underwater with the grief I’ve been carrying, but I keep riding the waves and perspective is granted, in big and small ways.  Spirit gives me the experiences I need to grow, and I feel held, even in my despair.

We have to heal our heart wounds.  We have to listen, really listen.

If we are able to act as loving support for others, we are experiencing a great gift.  AND – we still need to work on our own healing.  Martyrs are not going to save the world.  My loving brother Jesus has been misinterpreted again and again – and one very real way is through this idea of “suffering our way to heaven.”  Give me a break!

We are here to LOVE OURSELVES, FORGIVE OURSELVES AND HEAL OURSELVES.  From this space and this intention, we can offer our love, forgiveness and healing to this beautiful world.  The personal is still political, people.  Micro/Macro.  And if we don’t receive the grace that is constantly available to us if we but look within, we can’t offer it up, we can’t share it, we can’t BE IT.

You are the light, so be it.

There is no “other.”  Every great spiritual master has shared this message.

Your freedom is mine.  Your happiness, your love, your wisdom and your power are essential to the well-being of this planet.

And when you look around, those fellow humans you see, they are your family.

I love you.

Namaste.

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July 4th New Moon in Cancer

Tonight begins the New Moon, dear ones.  It will be exact tomorrow (July 4th) at 4:01 am PDT.  This gives us a bit of stillness, a bit of quiet, a bit of need for retreat with this U.S. holiday.  We are also under the spell of the Moon, the Sun and Mercury all in Cancer right now.

Cancer is the only sign ruled by La Luna.  She is perhaps the most sensitive to the tides out of all the water signs, and we know all water signs run deep with emotions and intuitive energy.  Cancer is all about security and protection.  She is associated with home and family; she is the ultimate caretaker.  She is the Crab and known for acting moody, but she only does this to protect her sensitivities.  The Crab is soft and delicious inside.  She carries her shelter and all her defenses with her to protect the beautiful, tender, succulent inner-being.  She is extremely loyal, and she is cautious about who is allowed in her inner circle of friends and confidants.  She is highly clairvoyant (like all water signs), so truth-telling is really the best way to go with Cancer-types.  She will FEEL lies or evasive energy even if you are totally playing it cool.  This will lead to a disruption in the force, and somehow the truth will be revealed.  Cancer asks for respect, for that is the code she lives by.

So, we’ve got Luna nice and strong in the sign of her domain AND she is dark, telling us to quiet, quiet, quiet down.  Not an easy thing to do with the fireworks displays and party propaganda.  But you can find a moment, or a few moments here and there, to just sit and be still.  To listen and tune in and FEEL.   There might be a pull to isolate a little bit, especially with all the Cancer energy calling us into our shells, calling us to retreat and follow the tides.  There also can be a pull to have relationship talks.  This is a good time for communicating and intimacy, but not for ultimatums or decision-making.  When Luna is dark, we are assessing and processing, not acting yet.

A little on Mars stationing direct:

I am staying out on a sweet little island near Seattle this weekend.  I have been in need of retreat for some time, and finally here I am.  The recent Mars retrograde (4/17/16-6/29/16) kind of kicked my butt…especially as it activated my 7th house of relationships and dropped back into my 6th house of health and work.  I was delighted when Mars stationed direct this past Wednesday (at 4:38 pm PDT), and I think that has a lot to do with my natal Mars being in Cancer himself (in my 2nd house of values, pleasure and resources).  Mars is somewhat debilitated in Cancer’s introverted, lunar energy.  When Mars is retrograde, our “personal” Mars is also activated, and I have been aggressively bumping up against how my own yang energy really needs a sense of safety, trust, boundaries and emotional clarity.  Otherwise the passion of my Mars will leak out in unhealthy passive aggressive ways like feeling shut down, brooding, going silent, or getting pissed out of the blue because I haven’t communicated my needs (or maybe haven’t even been in touch with my needs).  For me, patient communication and lots of self-care are the necessary ingredients to supporting my ability to express my needs, desires and emotions in a healthy and intelligent way.

The stationing period of any planet is a “thick” time, so to speak.  The apparent planetary movement is very, very, VERY slow during stationing (direct or retrograde).  Mars stationing direct can bring up a lot of challenging issues regarding how we get triggered and how we deal with passionate energy like anger, competition and our sense of power.  This can be a time when big things seem to be “falling apart” – relationships that don’t work, jobs that we’re sick of, where we live needing to change.  Even our very identity can feel put to the test.  What are we made of?  What are we REALLY made of when we take off the mask?

I encourage you to spend some time during this New Moon to take off your mask, safely within the recesses of your mind and heart.  Give yourself precious moments of alone time.  Connect with family and those close to you and notice how gifted this time is.  Our lives are so very short, so very fleeting.  It is by miraculous chance and power that we are “here” in these bodies.  These changing, sacred vessels for life are the homes we carry for our souls in this lifetime.  Emotional freedom, connection, security, love, protection and tenderness are the birthrights of every single soul.  Not only souls who have money.  Not only souls who fit the mold of the environment.  Not only souls who appear to be doing good works.  Every soul.

May we offer this protection, this love, this shelter to our own sweet souls.  May we become very quiet and very still now and then, reserving time and space for this inner noticing.  Sitting near water is very helpful for this. 

May we often allow any and all concepts of who we are/what we own/what we have control over to just dissolve completely for a few moments, especially during New Moon.  Go into this dark time ready to transform.

Honor the self.  Honor all the parts, the “this is where I’m at,” the “this is what I need.”  Honor your bandwidth and your emotional capacity.  Honor even your insecurities!  We think it’s so bad to admit that we have them, like it is weak to have a bruised ego or feel jealous or hurt or confused.  It is human, my loves!  We help each other when we admit how human we really are.

Free yourself.  Even here in the privacy of your own heart.  Especially here.

May the heart of love flower upon your mind.

I love you.

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Cultivating Light, pt.1

 

I am beautiful and yummy again.  I am myself.

The hollow feeling is gone now.  It was only the mind playing tricks on me, chasing me down tunnels and challenging me to remember truth, remember love.

Love will do that.  It will remove obstacles as well as place obstacles in your path to bring you remembrance, to bring you back back back to knowing yourself as the sacred temple for life.

The body is gifted to teach us what we’re made of.

Joy, pleasure and peacefulness are the birthrights of every soul.

And your liberation is mine, don’t you see?

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Free yourself

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Walk with me in the field beyond right and wrong.

Our talking will cease when we open our senses to this place.

Here, every story becomes a love story.

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I am bowing to you

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The love that is gifted heals every cell of my being.

I am a sponge for the water of love as it pours down heavily, washing every jagged note within the music of my body-mind.

Out in the world, I carry this love like a tiny lantern inside my heart.

I am human, imperfect.  Outside, the wind is howling and the sky breaks open.

The fire of love burns inside the temple of this body.

I am the shelter, dancing in the storm.

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I bow to you

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We move in the body.

We feed in the body.

We grieve, rejoice, make love, make war, make mistakes and find balance in the body.

The entire spectrum of pain and pleasure exists within the body.

We are given constant opportunities to accept, to forgive and to love in the body.

And whenever we can, our hands will caress the face of our beloved and our quiet heart will whisper:

“Oh sweet one, your temple is a work of art.

The deathless One resides in you so perfectly.”

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I bow to you

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Your light moves me and I am speechless.

Dear pilgrim, I see eternity when I look at you.

Traveling pilgrim, what a gift to hold you again in this lifetime.

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