Release

 

Why is it that the more I open to the light

And the more I open to love

The more the memories come?

Things I thought were gone are resurfacing

Still ugly, still painful, still totally in my way

*

I called on Krishna

I asked him to play his flute for me

And he did

Sweetly, with passionate reverence

But the sound of his devotion

And the brightness of his love

Reminded me

Of all that I have not forgiven or forgotten

This weight I keep carrying around like a corpse

Dead weight

Dead things

His love is so pure!

And I am so not.

*

Shiva

God of Death and Deathlessness

He is consciousness, unfiltered and undiluted

He is energy, unlimited and unimpeded

He is wild

As in:

Not tame

Not programmed

Not here to please your ego or your sensibilities

No…Shiva is beyond all things

Shiva

I bring him my offering

I go to him with my corpse

I lie down, exhausted and defeated

For I, too, feel dead

*

The fire is burning things:

My heart

This corpse

My story – so perfectly composed

All the rationalizations

All the excuses

Shiva wants my blinders and my escape-routes

He wants my insecurities

He wants my shyness and my hiding

He wants my conformity and any apathy I still harbor

He wants my hurt, my anger, my hopelessness and every shred of my fear

“Come,” he says. 

“I am eternally here.

Walk into this fire.

The diamond of your essence cannot be destroyed.

Come.

Let everything else go.”

*

So I come to him

Again and again

Offering him the stones in my heart

Offering him my tears of despair

Offering my sadness for this mad world, the killers and the killed

My suffering is so small in the spectrum of Samsara!

All of this, all of this, must go through the fire

All of this, all of this, must stand up to the light

I am standing now, too

The corpse remains at Shiva’s feet

“Leave it,” he says

In order to dance with Shiva

I am completely exposed

My many faces are appearing and disappearing

My desires are awakened

My emotions are free

He sees them all

He is the stillness

He is the fire

He is the death of all falsehood

*

Upon release,

I hear Krishna’s flute again

He is still playing

Blissfully

He wants to adore me

Me, of all things!

He is the lover

Loving the beloved

*

Who am I to say no to this Grace?

*

 

 

 

8 thoughts on “Release

    • Thank you, Ziggy-darling ♡
      The death is good for me, for it is the death of falsehood, the death of lies i once believed – about myself, and in turn about the world.
      The death is a necessary part of my soul journey. Anything blocking the love and the light and the power of the life inside of me is dying, being released.
      It is time.
      The death is part of my waking up, part of remembering my true nature.
      Does this help you read it in a different light?
      xxo

      Liked by 2 people

  1. The most desperate tears, the ones that gush when our throat closes and we can’t make a sound. Our hands held upward and trembling beneath an apathetic sky; our mouth agape in silence. Is this not ecstatic?

    The universe is an inquisitive emergence. We’re its sparkling emergencies. It uses our experience to swim through its burgeoning reality. It’s compelling us to swim far and deep. It’s going to drown us, resuscitate us, wash us up stranded, and bring us crashing to our knees in gratitude and in love for all living beings swirling dizzily in perfect balance within the cosmic slipstream.

    Liked by 1 person

      • It occurred to me that the universe, having been virgin-birthed from nothing, would *crave* deep experience once its come into being. After billions of years to assemble its first molecular sensors, its now got us as its mobile pilgrims, searching for ourselves everywhere except within our very selves! It’s a poignant picture of self assembly and realization.

        The universe hasn’t yet become fully aware and conscious. We’re the parts of it that remember. The early particles reunifying into the singularity of God.

        When we offer pure experience to the universe, it’s inevitable that we also imbibe its collective well of experience. We’re inspired because we’ve got access to *all* experience from the center. Everything that’s registered. We’ve collapsed the holographic waveform into its single point of presence.

        Thank you for your blog and for your affections. I look forward to more insights and explorations 🙂

        Liked by 1 person

  2. Your words made my heart swell and that picture is fantastic.
    I didn’t quite know how to respond, so I quoted a couple of GREATS

    “All that we are is the result of what we have thought.
    The mind is everything.
    What we think we become.”
    – Lord Buddha

    If Death is Kind
    Perhaps if death is kind, and there can be returning,
    We will come back to earth some fragrant night,
    And take these lanes to find the sea, and bending
    Breathe the same honeysuckle, low and white.

    We will come down at night to these resounding beaches
    And the long gentle thunder of the sea,
    Here for a single hour in the wide starlight
    We shall be happy, for the dead are free.

    ~ Sara Teasdale

    Liked by 1 person

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