Why is it that the more I open to the light
And the more I open to love
The more the memories come?
Things I thought were gone are resurfacing
Still ugly, still painful, still totally in my way
I called on Krishna
I asked him to play his flute for me
And he did
Sweetly, with passionate reverence
But the sound of his devotion
And the brightness of his love
Of all that I have not forgiven or forgotten
This weight I keep carrying around like a corpse
His love is so pure!
And I am so not.
God of Death and Deathlessness
He is consciousness, unfiltered and undiluted
He is energy, unlimited and unimpeded
He is wild
Not here to please your ego or your sensibilities
No…Shiva is beyond all things
I bring him my offering
I go to him with my corpse
I lie down, exhausted and defeated
For I, too, feel dead
The fire is burning things:
My story – so perfectly composed
All the rationalizations
All the excuses
Shiva wants my blinders and my escape-routes
He wants my insecurities
He wants my shyness and my hiding
He wants my conformity and any apathy I still harbor
He wants my hurt, my anger, my hopelessness and every shred of my fear
“Come,” he says.
“I am eternally here.
Walk into this fire.
The diamond of your essence cannot be destroyed.
Let everything else go.”
So I come to him
Again and again
Offering him the stones in my heart
Offering him my tears of despair
Offering my sadness for this mad world, the killers and the killed
My suffering is so small in the spectrum of Samsara!
All of this, all of this, must go through the fire
All of this, all of this, must stand up to the light
I am standing now, too
The corpse remains at Shiva’s feet
“Leave it,” he says
In order to dance with Shiva
I am completely exposed
My many faces are appearing and disappearing
My desires are awakened
My emotions are free
He sees them all
He is the stillness
He is the fire
He is the death of all falsehood
I hear Krishna’s flute again
He is still playing
He wants to adore me
Me, of all things!
He is the lover
Loving the beloved
Who am I to say no to this Grace?