What If?

 

The light is shining so brightly these days

Upon my very soul

I’ve been moving furniture

Out of my temple and into the yard

The furniture looks like crap

And dammit, now it’s there for all to see

*

Inside my soul is dancing

Something is alive and celebrating the demise

Of the hiding from light

Of the believing of lies

Of the self-created stories that turn into nightmares when I am pretending I am separate

My soul says YES

Even as my eyes release tears and my heart is bursting

Even as I rage and try to convince my lover that I am too difficult, too complicated and too damaged to love

He sees me in a different light than I can see myself

A thick cloud of doubt surrounds me sometimes

When I get very, very close to someone

When I begin to feel trust

My guards want to protect me:

Scared Sally, Angry Annie, Jealous Jenny, Distant Deb, Hateful Helga

The names help **

I say “hi”

I say “Will you walk with me, stay close, but let me handle it this time?  I know you want to protect me.  Thank you so much for arriving when I needed you, when I didn’t know how to handle the obstacles.  I have learned so much since you joined me, though.  I think I know another way now.  You don’t have to leave me, you don’t have to die, just rest now, here – inside my heart.”

And I walk in to his life

And I connect

And I am so close, so close

To peeling back a thick layer of protection that looks and smells like jaded disappointment and cynicism.  It’s heavy and cumbersome, but also familiar like a childhood blanket

I want to open this door, and let all my love pour out onto him

Into his life

Into our moments

Into something real that we are creating

The question for me is “What if?”

Because I’m almost there, but not quite

Maybe I’m someone

Who needs more convincing, reminding and reassuring than others

And maybe

I’m just right

*

 

** The book The Dark Side of The Light Chasers by Debbie Ford speaks extensively on loving our shadows and self-compassion.  I highly recommend it.  The naming of my shadows comes from that book, and I find it to be a very useful tool.

 

Full Moon, Litha and the Mutable Grand Cross

 

Blessings upon you, dear ones!

The Northern Hemisphere is celebrating Litha (aka Midsummer/Summer Solstice) and the rare occasion that the Full Moon falls upon it!  The last time we experienced this alignment of Litha and the Full Moon was in June of 1967, and we won’t experience such a close alignment again until June, 2062.

Litha is official when the Sun enters Cancer tomorrow at 3:34 pm PDT.  There is a going within as we turn from the external and inquisitive sign of Gemini into the very introverted sign of the Crab.  Cancer energy can be hard to understand or connect to unless you yourself have a clear understanding of Cancer in your personal astrology.  However, we can all relate to the pull to create a hard shell to protect the soft and succulent tenderness within us.  While we have the Sun in Cancer for the next 4 ½ weeks (and Venus in Cancer until July 11th), there is a supportive influence to honor our inner world, our home, our family and loved ones.  All water signs are direct channels for emotions, and Cancer sometimes has a reputation for passive aggressive behavior because of her need for safety and protection.  If emotions are leaking out without clear communication, we can feel muddy and stuck.  When we notice this in ourselves or others, we have the opportunity to remember how tender we all really are, back up, give space and honor the boundaries.

Along with the Solstice Full Moon, we are also experiencing the Mutable Grand Cross of Saturn in Sagittarius, Neptune in Pisces, Mercury in Gemini and Jupiter in Virgo.  Mutable means change.  The planets are reflecting the story of our human lives, both individual and collective.  We exist within the pattern, just as the pattern exists within us.  We are all formless, genderless, fearless souls – even as we walk in the body and identify ourselves and each other as this or that.  It is by exquisite chance that we even exist.  We are magical by very nature.  And we are here to do specific work.

Both Saturn and Neptune are retrograde at this time (the Neptune retrograde began recently ~ last Monday 6/13 at 1:43pm PDT).  Both Saturn and Neptune are going to stay in their respective signs (yay!).  They are currently making a tight square at 12° of Sagittarius and Pisces, and this can feel discordant and conflicting, but it can also bring us into balance with the spectrum of our human needs.

Saturn is structure, definition, rules and boundaries.  Saturn in your natal chart is where you might find yourself most challenged and where you have to work the hardest, but also where you experience the most growth and reward.  Saturn has a much lighter vibration in Sagittarius than he did in Scorpio, and most people I know are delighted that we will not experience the Scorpionic Saturn return for another 28 years – that was some gritty territory!  Neptune is dreams, creativity, fantasy and psychic awareness.  Neptune is the modern ruler of Pisces, and Pisces is all about feeling, loving, forgiving and merging.  Saturn can appear to be raining on our party if we need a reality-check, if we need help with boundaries, or if we have been keeping our talents hidden from the world.  Neptune might look like the jerk who is making a mess of things if we are too attached to a certain way of being.  This can speak to releasing all pre-conditioned thinking as well as allowing movement to occur in our relationships, in our lifestyles and in our careers.

Neptune loves unconditionally.  Neptune retrograde wants us to review and reckon with the creative space that is the open heart.  Neptune is going to continue his backward motion until November 20th, so don’t be surprised if your heart feels like it’s being held open by external forces during this time.  Saturn will station direct on August 13th, at which point a certain clarity around the structures of home/career/relationships will be encouraged.

La Luna reaches exact fullness at 4:02 am PDT tomorrow (Monday) morning in 29° Sagittarius.  She swiftly moves into Capricorn at 4:55 am, where she will remain until early Wednesday afternoon.  Sag is the adventurous archer, giving the moment of the Full Moon a magical and free-spirited flavor.  But Luna in Capricorn takes a grounded approach to the larger magic of Litha and the Mutable Grand Cross.  Capricorn wants to be on the ground, fixing what needs to be fixed and plowing forward.  The Goat thrives off hard work, and she could care less about your fantasies unless they relate to a tangible, structural reward.  As the cardinal earth sign, Capricorn initiates action, but she also brings us back into the body.  Working out, sex, conscious eating and bodywork are always wonderful things to do, and even more so with Luna releasing her fullness in Capricorn.

The planetary energy is culminating in a very beautiful way at this time.

Now, beautiful does not necessarily mean easy – this is also a time of great upheaval and change, but those of us who are ready and willing to ride the waves of change will find that there is truly a power of goodness that is kneading us like dough, working out all our knots and stuck places.  We see this on an individual scale and a collective scale.  We are bumping right up against the structures that are no longer working, AND we are being called to let down our guard.  Let your transformation occur.  YOU hold the keys to universal change.  There is no martyrdom in that – this is like the opposite of heavy.  Despite how outrageous, gross, heavy, difficult and uncool things may seem – the solution is your freedom.  The cornerstone of collective growth, collective healing and collective awakening is YOUR FREEDOM.  I’m not talking 2nd Amendment freedom (haha, ugh) – I’m talking about your complete liberation from anything and everything that keeps you from seeing YOURSELF as wholly divine.

THAT freedom.

Blessed Be.

*

Photo Credit: 

Michael Ludwig @ http://www.5edges.wordpress.com

Luna at 10 pm PDT on 6.18.16 near Seattle, WA USA 

Michael shares images of Luna with me often and with such grace.

Slowly

 

Go slow with me

Inch by inch

Treat me like the life you want to live over again

And over and over

Relishing each moment and each stroke

But go slow

For I have many valleys

*

On my part,

There is a decision to be conscious

To be awake

It is a big decision

To not check out

To not just “let it happen”

To choose

*

Go slow

I want to stay awake

I DESIRE the freedom to be vast

Will you show me

How vast I really am?

*

Memories are stored in our flesh

Sensation evokes emotion

I could pretend

It isn’t happening

But wouldn’t you rather know the truth

Even if it means that I say stop

hang on, i need a minute

Even if it means I sob, curled away from you

After deep, intense, amazing sex

I would understand your cognitive dissonance

with my state of affairs

But there is something to be said for stamina,

and patience

*

I have no clue

How long this will take

Or when and how my libido will change

As you navigate the entire terrain

That is my body

My history

My vessel for this life

I make no guarantees

I am a grown woman, but there are places you will touch that will make me feel 12 or 7 or 80 years old

Please let me be that conscious

Please let me tell you the secrets I have kept

And watch the light of awareness brighten between us

Can you feel this now?

*

My ecstatic nature is in your hands

And only I know when I feel safe enough

To give it to you

Only I know how to trust my own knowing

But you

You speak to me in ways

That remind me

And encourage me

And bring me

Into the light of my being

*

So darling, where would you like to begin?

My folds and curves are many.

Where will you embark upon the journey tonight?

Oh, here?

Yes….good….I like that.

Go slow with me, baby.

*

 

Release

 

Why is it that the more I open to the light

And the more I open to love

The more the memories come?

Things I thought were gone are resurfacing

Still ugly, still painful, still totally in my way

*

I called on Krishna

I asked him to play his flute for me

And he did

Sweetly, with passionate reverence

But the sound of his devotion

And the brightness of his love

Reminded me

Of all that I have not forgiven or forgotten

This weight I keep carrying around like a corpse

Dead weight

Dead things

His love is so pure!

And I am so not.

*

Shiva

God of Death and Deathlessness

He is consciousness, unfiltered and undiluted

He is energy, unlimited and unimpeded

He is wild

As in:

Not tame

Not programmed

Not here to please your ego or your sensibilities

No…Shiva is beyond all things

Shiva

I bring him my offering

I go to him with my corpse

I lie down, exhausted and defeated

For I, too, feel dead

*

The fire is burning things:

My heart

This corpse

My story – so perfectly composed

All the rationalizations

All the excuses

Shiva wants my blinders and my escape-routes

He wants my insecurities

He wants my shyness and my hiding

He wants my conformity and any apathy I still harbor

He wants my hurt, my anger, my hopelessness and every shred of my fear

“Come,” he says. 

“I am eternally here.

Walk into this fire.

The diamond of your essence cannot be destroyed.

Come.

Let everything else go.”

*

So I come to him

Again and again

Offering him the stones in my heart

Offering him my tears of despair

Offering my sadness for this mad world, the killers and the killed

My suffering is so small in the spectrum of Samsara!

All of this, all of this, must go through the fire

All of this, all of this, must stand up to the light

I am standing now, too

The corpse remains at Shiva’s feet

“Leave it,” he says

In order to dance with Shiva

I am completely exposed

My many faces are appearing and disappearing

My desires are awakened

My emotions are free

He sees them all

He is the stillness

He is the fire

He is the death of all falsehood

*

Upon release,

I hear Krishna’s flute again

He is still playing

Blissfully

He wants to adore me

Me, of all things!

He is the lover

Loving the beloved

*

Who am I to say no to this Grace?

*

 

 

 

Darshan

The face of God looked at me last Saturday.

She was leaving the hall around 2 a.m.  I rushed to stand behind a woman with her baby – what luck because Amma is drawn to babies, and She (of course) walked over and wrestled with his cheeks, giving him love.  The word “Ma” quietly escaped my lips, and that’s when She looked at me, taking me in.  Her face looked youthful and bright with wide eyes.  Her face appeared to elongate as if mirroring my face – I know that sounds strange and even self-absorbed, but I have also felt and seen a mirror reflection when looking at the face of Jesus as replicated from the Shroud of Turin.  God’s face is every face.  Every single face.

God is our true nature, and truly every being contains the inner guru.  As we sort out our karma and seek to live out our dharma, the true nature resides ceaselessly in us and as us.  But there are also Those who come as a Gift.  They contain no trappings of ego or karma.  They are fully liberated.  The pull to love and serve is so strong that they come to show the endless power that love is, the endless power that we are when we surrender to it.

Looking into the face of God is looking into Moksha, supreme liberation.

I received darshan twice over the weekend.  The first night I placed a garland upon Her shoulders and then wept in Her arms like a small child, clinging to Ma.  The next night I waited until 6:30 a.m. to go up for darshan.  It was the spacious time after completing Archana (chanting the 1,000 of the Divine Mother).  The line up to the stage was thinning, and there was a quiet stillness like pregnant moments, even as people talked and music continued.  I got in line, taking the last chair and showing the person with a green scarf the lettered token I’d been carrying.  I shyly kept my Jap Ji book wrapped in a scarf on my lap as I moved through the musical chairs that is the line taking you all the way up to Amma’s arms.

When I was placed in front of Her, I offered up the book while lowering my head.  She quickly handed it to one of Her attendants without giving it any attention, and immediately pulled me close to Her, wrapping me in Her embrace, turning my head one way, then the other, repeating in my ear the words She began telling me last year: “Mah Dohh-Tah, Mah Dohh-Tah, Mah Dohh-Tah” – Her accented way of calling me Her daughter, Her daughter, Her daughter.

Lifetimes of karma are lifted by Amma’s embrace.

I replay Her voice in my head.  I replay Her embrace.  I long to be held in Her arms again.  I long to offer Her all of me.  All of this self-identification.  All of this love.  All of this karma.  All of this beauty, darkness and light.  Everything ugly, everything I hide.  Everything I remember and everything I have forgotten.  I wash this entire being that I am in Amma’s love.  I am dough, I am clay, I soften.

*

But the high from Amma’s love is not static or permanent.  I’ve had a very hard week, full of horrible feelings and emotional turmoil.  I have felt a stark sense of loss. Am I grieving the death of false beliefs and conceptions?  Unfriendly thoughts stampede through my mind, stronger than ever before it seems.  They are like monsters, revealing the ugly faces of jealousy, fear, disappointment, anger, loss, grief.  Why now?

The monster remains in my reflection.  The ego is planted firmly within my consciousness.

These stories, these fantasies, these nightmares – all of these illusions are in my way, like leftover rubble after an earthquake.  Broken, of no use, but still there all the same.  The mind wanders away from truth, seeking shadows, seeking the familiar.

I am so very human, so very low of thought so much of the time.  Can I face the light?  Can I let all of this hideousness be seen?

FACE THE LIGHT
LET IT BURN “YOU” AWAY

ALL OF YOUR NOTIONS, ALL OF YOUR TENDENCIES TO JUDGE AND SEPARATE

“GOOD” AND “BAD” EXIST SIMULTANEOUSLY AND EFFORTLESSLY

IT ALL EXISTS, ALL OF THE TIME, AND MEANWHILE, IN THE CENTER OF TRUTH IS PERFECT LOVE

PERFECT ACCEPTANCE

PERFECT FORGIVENESS

PERFECT UNDERSTANDING

PERFECT PEACE

*

Call it Grace, call it Allah.

Call it Jesus, Shiva, Ram.

Call it Ma.

Call it anything that makes sense to you.

“It” contains everything.

Everything is enervated and alive by the power of “It”.

So, what is it that we are trying to control?

What is it that we are trying to kill?

What is it that divides me or you or anyone from seeing each other as we truly are – as stardust, God-dust, exquisitely unique formations of the Divine?

What else is there to know?

*

The darshan continues.

Through service to others.  Through connections and synchronicities.  Through the light in your eyes.  Through my smile.  Through honesty, however uncomfortable.  Through silence and listening.  Through tears and falling apart.  Through the gritty and uncomfortable, through the resistance, through the shadow dance.

Everything becomes the darshan.  Every face is God.  This greater reality is ever-present, so sublime we don’t see it.  In fact, often we run in the opposite direction from truth, biting hooks, chasing karma.  When will it stop?  When will “we” stop?

Amma gives a key.  She is not the first realized being to manifest in a human body.  She won’t be the last.  The key is your birthright.  Anyone can access it.

I’m less tormented today.  My shadows appear a little smaller, more like wild animals that I am learning to care for.  I have begun to think of my firmly-planted ego as my pet cactus.  It is so prickly, it doesn’t need much watering, but it is still my plant to care for.  And inside, cut open, even the cactus has something wonderful to offer.  The guru is everywhere.

I walk slowly today.

Sweeping the floor of my heart.

Opening the windows of my mind.

Letting in the air that is Shakti.

Namaste.

*

 

Gemini New Moon with Venus Conjunction

When the New Moon occurs in Gemini this evening (June 4th) at 8:00pm PDT, the luminous Venus is right next to that Sun/Moon conjunction (all three planets inside of 14 degrees Gemini).  This is a special time.  Not only are we beginning a new lunar cycle and (consciously or unconsciously) setting intentions, we are also literally “lined up” with the planet of love and divine feminine energy.  But we are on our side of the Sun and Venus is on the other, so we can’t directly see her these days.  Right now, Venus is almost cazimi (in the heart of the Sun).  She forms her superior conjunction with the Sun on Monday, and the effect of Venus cazimi can be felt for several days before and after this conjunction – even more so if your Sun, Moon, North Node or rising sign is in Taurus or Libra (both ruled by Venus).

When a planet is cazimi, it is strengthened through a temporary weakening.  It is both illuminated and immobilized.  When absorbed by the light of the Sun, the cazimi planet is no longer operating on its own accord.  There is a surrender that takes place, and a burning away of falsehood much like purification.  Venus cazimi is invisible to us, but illuminated unto herself.  She is feeding upon the Sun’s brightness. 

Venus has been hiding from our view since April when she ceased her role as the morning star.  She will return to her other role as the evening star in August (I can’t wait because I am NOT a morning person, but I LOVE staring at Venus).  Right now, she is collecting knowledge and experience as she travels through Gemini.  This is a time for information gathering about things you love and things you desire.  This is a time to explore the edges of your beliefs, including beliefs about your very identity, what you like and what makes you feel good.

This time may also be pointing to questions about purpose.  Is there a wildly wonderful dream that you’ve been sitting on?  Do you want it to become real?  Make a plan of action now!  Let the plan be led by your desire…..and give thanks for that which is manifesting through your desire!  Receive the messages that come.

Venus rolls into Cancer on June 17th at 12:39pm PDT, and at that point there may be some sensitivities that arise in the realm of love, as well as an urge to protect and shield that which is dear to us.  Take the next couple weeks to really ride on the Gemini energy, which is very cerebral, creative, analytical and fun.

The other very interesting thing that is happening with this New Moon is the mutable grand cross that is formed by Moon/Sun/Venus opposing Saturn in Sagittarius, and squaring Jupiter and the North Node in Virgo on one side, and Neptune and the South Node in Pisces on the other.  So, the mutable energies of Gemini, Sagittarius, Virgo and Pisces are creating a powerful cross image.  Mutable means changeable, and willingness to change is exactly what this grand cross is encouraging and maybe even demanding from us.

As always, it is so important to understand your own natal chart in order to interpret planetary happenings for yourself personally.  If you know nothing else, know your rising sign!  Your rising sign determines which sign rules the first house of “your zodiac.”  For me, Gemini rules my first house, and this New Moon/Venus conjunction is happening right between my ascendant and my Lilith.

Gemini loves change the most out of all the signs – change as in variety, diversity and the newest information.  Gemini isn’t here to reinvent the wheel like Aquarius (the revolutionary) – Gemini wants to look at the tapestry of it all, Gemini wants to connect the dots and above all, keep things INTERESTING.  Gemini loves and needs to talk (or write).  Gemini craves communication, the wittier the better.

On Sunday, La Luna is void (making no major aspects) in Gemini until entering Cancer at 8:41pm PDT.  In general, the New Moon is a time to gather ourselves, nurture ourselves, go within and reflect.  We are in a liminal space of transformation, and we are shedding a skin, so to speak.  Planting seeds of intention at this time, with or without ritual, is very powerful and very in tune with the rhythm of Gaia, our Earth.  This is a very receptive time and potentially a vulnerable time.  When Luna is void on Sunday, be advised to hold off on judgment about anything and everything!  There are messages that might be coming through to you.  Let your thoughts die down so you can receive them.  If you hear only silence, what is the silence gifting you?

When Luna rolls into Cancer on Sunday evening, there may be a feeling of contraction, an awareness of your vulnerability and an urge to protect yourself emotionally.  Luna rules Cancer, and she is strong while riding through the sign of her domain.  Cancer is all about nurturing and empathizing, but without a sense of security she will suffer.  She can teach us a lot about self-love if we are willing to listen to her needs for both closeness and boundaries.

Quick Mars reminder:  Mars continues his reverse plunge backwards in Scorpio until June 29th, when he stations direct.  Rapid and decisive change is common with Mars retrograde.  In Scorpio, Mars leaves no stone unturned and no closet unopened.  The house ruled by Scorpio in your natal chart is getting a real tune-up with the planet of action and motivation re-carving his tracks.  However, Mars is not a feel-good planet, so the energy might feel a bit abrasive, competitive or even angry at times.  By honoring the spectrum of emotions within us, and by recognizing emotion simply as energy, the loaded fire of Mars can become a tool for empowerment versus a dangerous cannon.

 

New Moon
New Moon
Sing me your tune
As I slide invisible
Under your skin
Gemini Moon
Swing Moon
I’ll melt in you soon
Your eyes match my eyes
Your smile matches my grin
*
Into your darkness I ride
Both exquisite and strange
The future untold
All that’s promised is change
*

 

 

 

Captain’s Lullabye

Cat’s got your tongue

Well, maybe it isn’t time to speak

But when my heart beats fast and my knees feel weak

I got no clue,

What am I to do?

I’m sailing here on your love…

You’re the Captain of your ship but I’m the

Temptress of your soul

I sing a siren song in attempt to bring you home

I call you in,

Call you to me

I want you for my own….

Surrender

Surrender

To me

And I will treat you right

My needs are simple

Dear Captain

I’m only here for love

Take over

Take over me

I wish to lay down

And let you practice magick

Upon my skin tonight

*