Ships

 

I am pulling out the fish hooks now

The ones left over

and fresh ones, too

That man had some power over me

*

It feels strange

to find myself here

after quitting

and going back for more

and quitting again

I’m not who I was or who I will be

I’m the mess in between

*

And even though I’m pissed – finally, at last –

and I see him for the scoundrel he is

and I see his selfishness

and his ugly side

Still I know,

I am only ever looking at my own reflection

*

In this moment,

I don’t want the words that make it better

I don’t even want a distraction

I just need a minute

to feel the weight of this

The weight of hitting a wall and realizing

you have to peel your heart off the cement now

It burns a lot this time, this impact

– this letting go of hands –

*

The ships are drifting from their close parallel motion

There is a sadness, and a longing

There is a loneliness,

as I release the bond

Even now as I sit with my anger,

I find that the anger has no fuel

It is dead

just like the lies we told ourselves

to make it last a little longer

*

Grief.  Anger.  Numb.

Rolling like waves

Relief 

Gratitude that it’s finally over

Holding space for him took A LOT of energy

*

The thoughts create a heaviness in my energetic field

The heaviness smells of both sadness and forgiveness

It is a soul-reckoning that defies space and time

The heaviness carries the weight of wisdom,

and it has me digging roots into the Earth

into my core

into the form I have chosen

The heaviness tells me

I am not an angel

or his perfect girl

or any kind of miracle-worker

The heaviness tells me something

I have been needing to know

for a very long time

It speaks to me in a voice from my low belly

It speaks in flashes through my mind

It says:

“You are your own ship.”

*

 

2 thoughts on “Ships

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