I am pulling out the fish hooks now

The ones left over

and fresh ones, too

That man had some power over me


It feels strange

to find myself here

after quitting

and going back for more

and quitting again

I’m not who I was or who I will be

I’m the mess in between


And even though I’m pissed – finally, at last –

and I see him for the scoundrel he is

and I see his selfishness

and his ugly side

Still I know,

I am only ever looking at my own reflection


In this moment,

I don’t want the words that make it better

I don’t even want a distraction

I just need a minute

to feel the weight of this

The weight of hitting a wall and realizing

you have to peel your heart off the cement now

It burns a lot this time, this impact

– this letting go of hands –


The ships are drifting from their close parallel motion

There is a sadness, and a longing

There is a loneliness,

as I release the bond

Even now as I sit with my anger,

I find that the anger has no fuel

It is dead

just like the lies we told ourselves

to make it last a little longer


Grief.  Anger.  Numb.

Rolling like waves


Gratitude that it’s finally over

Holding space for him took A LOT of energy


The thoughts create a heaviness in my energetic field

The heaviness smells of both sadness and forgiveness

It is a soul-reckoning that defies space and time

The heaviness carries the weight of wisdom,

and it has me digging roots into the Earth

into my core

into the form I have chosen

The heaviness tells me

I am not an angel

or his perfect girl

or any kind of miracle-worker

The heaviness tells me something

I have been needing to know

for a very long time

It speaks to me in a voice from my low belly

It speaks in flashes through my mind

It says:

“You are your own ship.”



2 thoughts on “Ships

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