Nothingness

 

Nothing lasts forever.

Nothing does.

For nothing is not

A thing that can be kept.

In fact, it is not a thing at all.

It is not a philosophy or a religion.

It is not our core values, or lack thereof.

We know it is not the body.

It is not any of your relationships,

even the ones that break the laws of space and time.

It is not Karma or Destiny.

It is not our feelings or our will.

It is not instinct, nor impulse, nor gravitational pull.

It is not the elements, or made of the elements.

It is not concepts or ideas, or born from them.

Tell me then,

What is it?

The mind seeks resolution,

longing for the union of understanding.

Is it God, is it Energy, is it Love?

Is it Peace, is it Bliss?

Is it Transcendence?

How is Everything contained in Nothing?

The mind is mulling over these thoughts,

like a child with too many toys

Wondering, pondering, yearning

But the answer isn’t given through the head.

*

Follow the chakras down to the base, and hold.

Pull in the second chakra, two inches below the navel.

There is an energy portal at the spine’s foundation.

Back and forth through this gate, the breath moves in waves.

I have only experienced this acutely through yoga; specifically through the spine-strengthening series from the Ghosh lineage.

I am physically taken to the edge, and there is no room for thoughts.

These breaths are the only thing that matters.

Keep the mouth closed so the body can cool down.

Breathe in through the nose, out through the throat.

Lips are closed, jaw is soft, tongue resting on the soft palate.

There is a noise like tunneling wind as air travels through the chambers of the nose, mouth, throat, trachea, lungs.

My breath is the Ocean.

In through the nose, all the way down my spine to the sacrum –

Waves comes in

Flowing down the channel back to the source

Exhale

Waves go out

The pleasure astounds me

Up my spine

Down my legs

Frothy, bubbling, thrilling waves

Invigorating my cells with life

The tide pulls back while the breath is still letting go

Inhaling back to the base

Harnessing the energy

Feasting upon the breath

Building, mounting, filling up

The release happens naturally, without thought

Waves

In letting go, the gift of life is passing through

It is not mine to keep

There is no “me”

There is no “mine”

There is no thing to hold onto.

No thing, at all.

We will live, we will die, we will all cease to exist as who we know ourselves to be.

And the thing that is not a thing, the source of our life energy, will remain

Unstatic

Alive

Conscious

Free

*

 

 

 

 

 

Ships

 

I am pulling out the fish hooks now

The ones left over

and fresh ones, too

That man had some power over me

*

It feels strange

to find myself here

after quitting

and going back for more

and quitting again

I’m not who I was or who I will be

I’m the mess in between

*

And even though I’m pissed – finally, at last –

and I see him for the scoundrel he is

and I see his selfishness

and his ugly side

Still I know,

I am only ever looking at my own reflection

*

In this moment,

I don’t want the words that make it better

I don’t even want a distraction

I just need a minute

to feel the weight of this

The weight of hitting a wall and realizing

you have to peel your heart off the cement now

It burns a lot this time, this impact

– this letting go of hands –

*

The ships are drifting from their close parallel motion

There is a sadness, and a longing

There is a loneliness,

as I release the bond

Even now as I sit with my anger,

I find that the anger has no fuel

It is dead

just like the lies we told ourselves

to make it last a little longer

*

Grief.  Anger.  Numb.

Rolling like waves

Relief 

Gratitude that it’s finally over

Holding space for him took A LOT of energy

*

The thoughts create a heaviness in my energetic field

The heaviness smells of both sadness and forgiveness

It is a soul-reckoning that defies space and time

The heaviness carries the weight of wisdom,

and it has me digging roots into the Earth

into my core

into the form I have chosen

The heaviness tells me

I am not an angel

or his perfect girl

or any kind of miracle-worker

The heaviness tells me something

I have been needing to know

for a very long time

It speaks to me in a voice from my low belly

It speaks in flashes through my mind

It says:

“You are your own ship.”

*

 

Carry Less

 

Pierce the heart

In all you do

May you pierce the heart

And peer

Into the very light of life that inhabits this form

That form

And every form

*

Can you see

The quintessential hope for recognition?

“See me for what I am!” – we are crying

To do so,

We can soften our gaze

And for just a moment

We let the boundary between you and I cease to exist

*

Now do you remember?

*

A Buddhist teaching says that by now, we have all re-incarnated enough times that at some point, every face you see has been your mother.  And you have been theirs.

Can we even imagine a love this wide?

For one instant, will you contemplate?

And in that moment, will you simply forgive everyone, including yourself?

Will you simply accept everyone, including yourself?

Can you see how hungry this world is for the light of acceptance and love?

Can you face it for one second,

The thought of zero hierarchy happening throughout creation?

I speak of hierarchy of WORTH, not privilege.

There is no one less worthy of love than you.

Truly.

There is no one more worthy of love than you.

Deal with it.

*

At times, I feel myself shaken down to the core of my being.

I have to let so many things go!

It becomes the art of letting go.

I watch the pull to attach

To this reaction and that story

To this narrative that won’t shut-up

To that emotion, swallowing me whole

But none of it holds up to the light of truth now.

*

At times, I fall like Alice down the rabbit hole.

As I fall, I am passing all of these preconceived notions, all these relics from beliefs I once held.

I remember their shape and feel – I reach out to touch –

But they are nothing I can take with me now.

All of it, is only for observation.

The truth lies much deeper

My gravity pulls me to it

And I find myself having

A new kind of adventure

*

Now is the time to carry less

Care more

Carry less

Love more

And let everything else go

*

 

Creating Space

The room was very, very hot today. With almost 40 bodies and 45% humidity, we were cooking as we made our way through the 90-minute Bikram Yoga practice. I’ve been slacking with my attendance, so every class has felt like a marathon recently. As often happens, during Pranayama Breathing (which is the very first “posture”) I was asking myself why I came. Why do I do this? I would have loved to have just stayed in bed this morning. What compelled me to come here?

But with each deep breath, slowly but surely, my thoughts began to drop off. Some other will and excited power began to generate within my muscles, and I just did the practice along with the rest of the class.

One of the things my thinking brain loves about yoga IS the decluttering of the mind. The “I don’t wannas” fade away. The self-conscious thoughts cease to matter. Even the striving to do the posture perfectly stops being helpful. There’s just one thing to do and the great Teachers and Masters have always said it: be . here . now .

In this quieter space, I notice things. I notice how very Sagittarian the Standing Bow Pulling pose is. We become the archer pulling the bow, holding that expectant moment for as long as we possibly can. “If you fall, fall forward” says the instructor. Don’t fall out from being afraid, dive in, take yourself to the edge, and HOLD HOLD HOLD HOLD.

I AM the bow and arrow in this posture; my left fingers reach forward and my arm becomes the arrow, while my right toes are shooting up behind me and my legs become the bow. The subtle power of this pose lies in creating the exact suspension that the body needs to be the human bow, and in that suspension we pull our limbs apart like taffy. I am taffy, I am muscle, and I am thinking of the qualities of Sagittarius: fun, bold, adventurous. Shooting for the Moon and stars, full of faith and light. Full of humor. Sometimes when I fall out, I laugh.

There simply is just not such a thing as failure, not when we are reaching for the very light within us. There is only practice. “If you fall out, get right back in. You still have time. You can even end in the set-up for the posture. Stay in the posture.”

As a recovering perfectionist/self-defeatist, I really need yoga. It has taken me years to slowly gain perspective about who that rigid voice demanding perfection really is. The voice that is dangerous when taken seriously. That voice has gotten quieter over time, less demanding. When the voice does cry out to me, I can usually hold space for it and give it some love, like a “you’re ok, kid”. Or a “what do you need, beloved self?”

When the voice is quiet, or asleep, or absent — my mind thinks in a different way, and I see possibilities where before there were none. When I fall out of the posture, I might chuckle softly as I get right back in. There is a curiosity about mistakes: “Oh, that was a little too far forward, let’s see if I can lean back into my heel more this time….”. With a relaxed face, I go for it again. There is nothing to lose! There is no need for pride; pride is totally boring now. What’s interesting is THIS! What is happening RIGHT NOW.

There is a secret that’s not a secret, but we keep calling it a secret because it’s so obvious, we have to create a veil to even see it.

The secret is that we are the ones dreaming the dream of our existence. There is no separation between us and the Source of that dream. So go for it. You are perfectly held, even when fall out, fall down, or appear to be screwing up. Try again. Follow your strength. Do the thing that makes you say YESinside.

These are the thoughts that appear when the “noise thoughts” are abandoned. They are still thoughts, it is still thinking….but there is a different quality, a different flavor….it doesn’t take me to the same place of unnecessary suffering.

I keep following the instructor’s voice.

Eventually, even the inspired thoughts drop off. By the time we finish the Spine Strengthening series on the floor, my thoughts are like wooden blocks sitting a few feet away from me. I have retired them completely. Less is more in these moments of heavy breathing as we recover for 20 seconds in Savasana between postures.

I begin to think of class being almost over when we catch our breath in Fixed Firm pose, but we still have Camel to do. And Camel is the ultimate re-calibrator. In between the two sets of the deepest back-bend of the class, we are just existing, maybe floating, maybe feeling nauseous. Emotions can swell — anger, sadness, gratitude, love. I have shed tears during the Savasana more than once, and I have known that I am releasing old wounds, stagnant energy and fear. There is a presence all around me during those times, a presence that is rejoicing in my release and celebrating my freedom.

A spaciousness occurs.

I carry some of this open space with me when I leave class. Buffering the noise and stress of the outside world feels a tiny bit easier because I am aware of the strength that I just tapped into, the energy I played with, and the gratitude for a practice that can fill me with life. There is a lightness and slight euphoria after getting all that sweat out.

I return home to my teenage children and my messy apartment. I don’t have more money in my bank account. Nothing has been solved as far as my “problems” go. But my mind and my body are connected again. My worries aren’t running me. There is a little more space.

*

Full Moon in Sagittarius

Hello Moonbabies ~ it feels like much time since my last writing to you!

I’ve been rooting and feeling into many changes and realizations in the past weeks.  The Mars retrograde seems to be affecting me in a major way, which makes sense since he is traveling backward in Sagittarius, which rules my 7th house of intimate relationships…..Mars is a strong influence, guys!

So it’s interesting that today at 2:14pm PDT, La Luna releases her fullness VERY close to Mars in Sagittarius – they will be less than one degree apart, a pretty tight conjunction.  This also means that BOTH the Moon and Mars will be opposite our Sun – therefore, the Sun will be spotlighting/drawing attention to both the receptive nature of the Moon and to the very exertive nature of Mars.  They will quickly draw themselves into a complete conjunction and cross paths in opposite directions (Mars slides back into Scorpio next Friday the 27th, but that’s another story).

We are being called to look at the yin and the yang of it all!  The feeling, emotional, empathic side of ourselves.  The active, aggressive, decisive and desirous places in us.  These two can merge, these two can cross paths, these two can MAYBE even understand each other.

This is all happening in very beginning of Sagittarius (between 1-2 degrees), and this gives this conjunction a very fun, lively, free-spirited flavor.  Sag is the Archer, the adventurer, the activated dreamer.  He is kind and playful, youthful, brave and very optimistic.  He is ruled by Jupiter; so how can he not bring good fortune!  He can help us put our hopes into action, he can help us begin with fresh eyes and a clean heart, he can remind us that there is always more light if we but reach for it.  In fact, Sag will often ask us to have faith, to trust and to believe.  He himself is a satyr (a magical creature, half-man/half-goat), also he is often depicted as a centaur (half-man/half-horse, but that is actually Chiron the wounded-warrior).  The point is, Sag is a magical creature – and he can support us in experiencing our own special brand of magic(k).

Ok, aside from this very enchanting Full Moon with Mars conjunction, some other notable heavenly happenings include:

  • Sun in Gemini! – as of yesterday (Friday) at 7:36am PDT.  Gemini is the intellectual, the Twins, the mind discovering all the patterns that make life so interesting.  Gemini is fascinated by puzzles, riddles, solving mysteries.  Gemini is eternally curious, talkative and has an insatiable brain.  Gemini is sometimes accused of being superficial, or even two-faced, but if you really know Gemini you see how egoless this androgynous sign is.  Gemini looks at the BIG picture, and its inquisitive nature is much more interested in facts than dreams.  The Twins are naturally playful, though, so this can be a very social time while the Sun travels here.  Gemini wants to put ducks in a row and make sense of things, but not at the expense of enjoying the process.
  • Mercury Direct! – tomorrow (Sunday) at 6:20am PDT.  Remember, speedy Mercury goes retrograde 3-4 times/year – it’s not this incredibly rare and exciting thing.  But definitely pay attention to the junctions when “it” (Mercury is androgynous, like Gemini which it rules) stations retrograde or stations direct.  So don’t be surprised if lines of communication DO get mixed up or go haywire in the next few days – Mercury is flipping itself around right now!

I will say that I love Mercury is spending extra time in Taurus because of this retrograde.  Taurus is all about the body, sensuality, the Earth, creating roots, experiencing pleasure and finding value in the physical world.  This could lead to a tendency to want to buy things and find value in materialism, but we can also channel this energy directly into our bodies, slowing down, finding a pace that is in rhythm with the deeper energy of the Earth.  Taurus is ruled by the lovely Venus, who herself is residing in the sign of the Bull until this coming Tuesday, so let the Taurus energy really love you up for the next couple of days – it could be fun 🙂

 

That’s all for now my darlings!  I’m off to yoga and to empty my brain!

Take what you like and leave the rest, with all of this.

 

~xo~

Jupiter Loves Venus

 

Oh Jupiter,

Expanding everything

Enhancing everything

A boon to my senses

Each moment is stretched out,

Yes with you, even the seconds get longer

Richer

Imbued with magic

Damn….

This is what it feels like

Unavoidable attraction

You light me up

Making me shine even brighter

Such a gentleman,

Accentuating my light with your own

My favorite thing –

Being close to you, next to you, near you

Your smell, your energy,

the way you recognize me, seeing me

Jupiter,

Even if I’m across the room and we are playing it cool

An electric current runs between us

If anything ever happened,

We would grab each other and run

At the first opportunity,

We would grab each other and run

And sometimes,

It’s only in our minds

And hearts

Sometimes we just have to hold space

And know

There will be more

Time

Hugs

Kisses

Moments stretched out for the angels to play

~ angels love the lovers ~

Our every interaction

Exists within this field

Of wonderment

Like, how did we get so lucky?

*

 

 

 

Closeness, Connection, Being Held

I spent time with the goats today.  I run in my neighborhood, and at the end of my run I often stop at their corner.  Goats are the “animal vegetation management” for a handful of select water facilities in my town.  There are about ten goats that “work” at this particular facility.  Really, they hang out all day behind a chain link fence on a nice patch of land with trees and water and lots of grass.  They hang out and they eat.

The alpha male (the one with the largest horns) is very friendly and outgoing.  I feed him dandelion greens from my side of the fence, which he loves. Today he sweetly motioned toward the juniper tree next to me, full of berries.  I pulled some and fed it to him – he was in heaven!  He has bone white fur and wide-set milky blue eyes that gaze at me with some kind of recognition.  He licks my hand when I press it against the fence, and he will even slide his big torso along the fence to let me pet him.  I have named him ‘Fountain’ for he gives me a fountain of love energy.

Fountain the goat feeds a desire in me for loving connection.  I wish that chain link fence wasn’t there, because I’d really like to sit with him and hang out for a spell.  Just sit and pet him and look at his beautiful, serene eyes.  Feed him dandelion leaves and juniper berries.  That sounds so completely satisfying.

It sounds more satisfying than sex.

What I am realizing is that through sex, I have really been seeking closeness and connection.  I am realizing (with some frustration) how fundamental this need for connection is, much deeper than the desire for physical pleasure.

I know how to have sex and I enjoy sex.  But when there is a disconnect, when the heart is blocked and we are just going through the motions, chasing an orgasm, trying to play the part — that’s when I feel truly alone.

In sex, we expose ourselves.  Not just our bodies.  We expose our raw energy.  We expose our youngest self.  We expose our hurts and insecurities.  We expose our desire and our lack of desire.  We are vulnerable.

Being vulnerable is beautiful, but it doesn’t look like porn.  In fact, I’m not even sure what it looks like yet – I am just beginning to explore this possibility of being totally authentic EVEN IN THE BEDROOM.

I know how to have porn sex.  Porn sex is hot.  But wow, it can sometimes leave me feeling so, so empty.  (I’m not a porn star; I’m talking about private “porn-style” sex).  It’s so easy to skip over all of the things that create a real heart connection because look: life is short and we’re horny so why not and come on I’m an adult and this is a human need and let’s just get to it.  But I wind up feeling unknown, even to myself.  Even as we lie together with damp skin and tangled limbs.

I was seeking closeness, connection, being held.  Now I am held in a sweaty embrace, but the closeness isn’t there and the connection is absent.  Who is this stranger next to me?  Who is this stranger inside of me?

Instead of post-coital bliss, there is cognitive dissonance.

Something wasn’t right to begin with, we didn’t acknowledge what was really going on.  Getting into bed was so much easier than speaking of the caginess of the energy, the walls that were up even as we undressed and kissed and fucked.

I lay in his arms feeling not at all myself, and disappointed in myself for ignoring my intuition before sex began.  We were both trying to run away tonight.  From ourselves and from each other.  I felt sad about it and we talked.

Talking helped, as unsexy as it was.  It didn’t make the walls of fear disappear, but I came back from my own vanishing.  In my head I was already thinking of how to leave and how to break this off and how I just don’t know what I’m doing in love.  I don’t want to vanish anymore.  I want to be here.  I want to be held.  I want closeness and connection.  I want the light of being real.

Nothing is airbrushed here, and the light is not especially flattering.  It is the light of facing what is.  Some would call it the light of truth.

May this light be the light that leads me into love, of myself and of another.

*