How To Talk To Your Salty Teenager #1


When you have a salty teenager, it’s important to get on his or her level.  You need to be quick with the comebacks.  You need to know the lingo.  You gotta get hip with the vibe.  You GOTTA maintain a silent trickery, otherwise – what fun is it?

This is your chance.  Most teenagers walk a fine line between crazy and self-obsessed.  Their brains are weird, but still somewhat moldable.  The world is beginning to look and feel more and more cut-throat.  It is your job to provide the comic relief.  This will also stave off your own temptation to have a nervous breakdown and wind up in a padded room.  Laugh or cry, baby!

One thing I like to do is let them know I’m onto the drug lingo.

As I’m walking out the door, I like to say things like “I love you, buddy!  Do your homework!  Please do all of your chores perfectly!  And don’t smoke crack!”  Say it nonchalantly, and shut the door quickly.

I also like to leave notes.  Such as: “Help yourself to the beans, cheese & tortillas available to be made into simple burritos.  Also — NO METH, NO KUSH & NO LEAN. love, mom.”

Whenever you can, casually walk around pretending to talk to someone on your cell phone, saying things like “Yeah, I was CRUNK the other night!  Woo!  What a party!”

I think “crunk” means drunk plus crank?

The teenagers realize that you are full of shit, but they also have less to prove.

On another note, definitely DO play favorites with your children regarding their music choices.

I have one son who is super into Duke Ellington these days.  Another who is into Tyga.  I clearly have a favorite, and I am not shy about re-iterating who that favorite is when it is time to choose what we listen to collectively as a family.  Feel free to judge me.  Then listen to a song (any song) by Tyga, and judge me again.  That’s right – playing favorites with my children is totally legit.

It’s important to express your favoritism in a reasonable way – such as “Thank you *ustin, my favorite son, for playing music that is chill and classy, not totally shitty and degrading.”

That’s all for now, folks.  I’ll try to keep you posted with my amazing parenting skills — as the epiphanies come to me, I will share them.


hang in there.




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