Over It

 

I’ve been feeling riled up and at the end of my rope.  I have my list of reasons why my life is challenging right now.  I have my bag of feelings telling me: this is too hard, I need to find a way out, I can’t do this, I’m failing.  I’m keeping struggle and conflict nearby, like they are part of my identity.

I’m tired.  I’m edgy.  I’m “this close” to biting your head off.

Like a wounded animal, I snarl and back into my cave.  Don’t fuck with me.

I can taste the blood in my mouth, the blood of this heart I’ve been carrying around, and I realize that it is MY heart.  The anger and frustration are in vain because they only lead back to self-sabotage.

Bruises are blooming upon the mind that keeps punching itself.  But once you’re in a downward spiral, none of this matters.  You are drunk on this conviction that THIS IS ALL WRONG.

The blood leaks from the corners of my mouth.

*

I don’t know how to put my heart back in my body.

I don’t know how to find stillness in this world that is so very cracked.

I don’t know how to meet the standards it takes to be a “good mother,” a “good woman,” a “good human being.”

The satisfaction is always a step away, an achievement away, a validation away.

“I’m almost there.”

“I’m going to make it.”

“Everything is going to be okay.”

“My kids are going to turn out fine.”

“Someday, I will find love.”

But this is now.

*

Something in me is crying, because it is right here, and it always has been, and I’m so sorry I’ve forgotten again.  I forgot it about you, and him, and her, and me and all of us.

Help me remember.

Help me find my way back when I’m lost like this.

Will you shine your light on the path that leads to the field that Rumi speaks of?

*

I had a dream last night, full of the usual busy-ness and nonsense.  I had a million obligations.  I felt judged.  I was comparing myself to those around me.  I harbored a list of the 5,642 reasons why I suck.

Suddenly, I was drawn to lie down on a hidden patch of grass, dappled in sunlight.

I lay down.

It was the sweetest thing.

That feeling of failure was so strong and I was so tired from it.

I let myself rest.

I was being given a gift, lying here in the sun.  The chaos of the world was three feet away, but I was offered a respite, a moment of inactivity.

I didn’t earn that moment.

That moment didn’t fix me.

I didn’t escape my whereabouts or my looming obligations.

In that moment, as gave up on trying,

I felt loved.

*

And I was that love.

*

Broken Little Pieces

 

We are all refugees

here

Trying to keep our precious hearts alive.

*

It happens

as it should

That you will find yourself unraveled

into pieces

like so many messy parts

The veil is shattered,

and your brokenness is hanging like an unhinged door

So obvious —

There’s no use trying to make this look pretty.

*

When you find yourself this way

Crooked and unhinged

Will you please say hello to your mind

with kindness?

Step into the dark places, and find the ones who look like monsters.

See your Rage, sharpening its blade of resentment like a knife, silently seething with a killer’s white fury.

Step towards it and drop to your knees.

Stroke its perfect face, distorted as it may be.

Thank it for working so hard to protect you all these years.  All this time.

Feel how tired it is and let it take a rest.

Gently remove the blade from its hand, placing it nearby.

Lay its head down on a bed of moss covered with white flowers.

Let it rest.

Nothing to do right now, sweet Rage.

You can sleep.

*

See Rejection standing nearby.

Rush towards it with open arms.

Cradle it, hold it to your smiling heart, for there is nothing more worthy of love than this one who has forgotten its own worth.

Let it feel the comfort that you bring as you accept it exactly as it is right now.

Wrap it in your favorite shawl and help it to lay down for a nap on the soft, green moss.

*

Do this, continuously, for everyone you find in the shadows of your mind.

Greed.  Fear.  Judgment.  Perversion.  Doubt.  Sadness.  Jealousy.  Shame.  Irritation.  Hopelessness.  Worry.  Depression.  Control.  Denial.

Find these broken pieces.

Love them in their brokenness.

There is nothing to fix.

With a quiet kind of grace, we are sweeping the mind

and the story is falling away.

The Refuge is here,

ever-accessible.

Find it in stillness, in silence, in the breathing in and out.

Find it in weeping, in falling apart, in the heart that is bursting

with unconditional love.

*

 

Full Moon in Virgo

We’ve been having a waxing Leo Moon weekend – big, exuberant energy that is potentially excessive and prone to indulging.  When La Luna is reaching fullness, as she ripens, she is lending us the magic of the sign she is transiting.  In Leo, she is sensual, illuminated and self-oriented.  Now is the time to love yourself up to maximum capacity.

La Luna is almost directly across from the Sun at this time, who is sharing the waters of Pisces with Neptune.  The Sun is newly in Pisces as of 3 days ago, and we are opening ourselves up to a time of increased sensitivity, caring and feeling.  The Sun is shining light on the area of your chart ruled by Pisces, so that house in particular is going to experience the “spotlight” with this solar transit.  Pisces rules my 10th house of career, outer identity and reputation – which also happens to be where my Moon dwells.  No wonder I am obsessed with writing about the Moon!

Neptune has been in Pisces since 2012 and will continue to travel in her waters until 2025.  Neptune is the modern ruler of Pisces and he is all about spiritual transformation.  Traditionally Pisces was ruled by Jupiter, which is probably why so many Piscean people have huge hearts are natural givers.  Neptune in Pisces can be prone to fantasy and escapism, but he is also extremely creative and clairvoyant.  Neptune in Pisces is the natural musician, and this 13-year stretch could speak to a time when a new generation of incredible musicians and sound-healers are being born.

La Luna is creeping up on a little square to Mars that is exact at 5:17pm PST today, and then she makes no other aspects (she is void) until she enters Virgo at 3:24am tomorrow.  Moon square Mars can bring up feelings of opposition and conflict, or emotions like anger and resentment.  Mars is in secretive waters of Scorpio these days (until March 5th) and he is digging in the depths of our desires.  Let that which arises, arise.  The thing we are guaranteed is change.

The full Moon in Virgo is exact at 10:20am tomorrow, Monday.  Virgo rules the 6th House of health, work and service.  She is grounded, logical and efficient.  Jupiter and the North Node are both planted in Virgo for quite some time, so as the Moon passes through Virgo she is also supported by the planet of benevolence and good fortune (Jupiter) as well as the aspect that speaks to destiny and life-purpose (North Node).  Now is the time to get real, folks.

March will be full of eclipses (total Solar eclipse on March 8th and Lunar eclipse on March 23rd).  Eclipses bring change and opportunity.  They can be pretty intense for some of us.

Anchor yourself at this time.  Compassion towards self and others will be a golden key that you are being invited to use as the power of transformation surrounds us during eclipse season.

Blessings and Peace.

~ ~ ~

If you are seeking an astrologer at this time, I can refer you to 2 amazing astrologers/intuitives in the Seattle area:

*Megan Skinner (www.meganskinner.com)

*Stephanie Gailing (www.planetaryapothecary.com)

Or online, I continue to learn so much from:

*Chani Nicholas (www.chaninicholas.com)

*Ainslie Faust (www.astroainslie.com)

 

 

 

How To Talk To Your Salty Teenager #1

 

When you have a salty teenager, it’s important to get on his or her level.  You need to be quick with the comebacks.  You need to know the lingo.  You gotta get hip with the vibe.  You GOTTA maintain a silent trickery, otherwise – what fun is it?

This is your chance.  Most teenagers walk a fine line between crazy and self-obsessed.  Their brains are weird, but still somewhat moldable.  The world is beginning to look and feel more and more cut-throat.  It is your job to provide the comic relief.  This will also stave off your own temptation to have a nervous breakdown and wind up in a padded room.  Laugh or cry, baby!

One thing I like to do is let them know I’m onto the drug lingo.

As I’m walking out the door, I like to say things like “I love you, buddy!  Do your homework!  Please do all of your chores perfectly!  And don’t smoke crack!”  Say it nonchalantly, and shut the door quickly.

I also like to leave notes.  Such as: “Help yourself to the beans, cheese & tortillas available to be made into simple burritos.  Also — NO METH, NO KUSH & NO LEAN. love, mom.”

Whenever you can, casually walk around pretending to talk to someone on your cell phone, saying things like “Yeah, I was CRUNK the other night!  Woo!  What a party!”

I think “crunk” means drunk plus crank?

The teenagers realize that you are full of shit, but they also have less to prove.

On another note, definitely DO play favorites with your children regarding their music choices.

I have one son who is super into Duke Ellington these days.  Another who is into Tyga.  I clearly have a favorite, and I am not shy about re-iterating who that favorite is when it is time to choose what we listen to collectively as a family.  Feel free to judge me.  Then listen to a song (any song) by Tyga, and judge me again.  That’s right – playing favorites with my children is totally legit.

It’s important to express your favoritism in a reasonable way – such as “Thank you *ustin, my favorite son, for playing music that is chill and classy, not totally shitty and degrading.”

That’s all for now, folks.  I’ll try to keep you posted with my amazing parenting skills — as the epiphanies come to me, I will share them.

xo,

hang in there.

 

 

 

Ode to Venus entering Aquarius

 

Venus enters Aquarius tonight at 8:17pm PST, joining Mercury and the Sun.  We will have just over 49 hours with all three planets cavorting in the sign of the Water-Bearer/Energy-Bearer, as the Sun will enter Pisces around 9:30pm this Thursday evening.

Venus in Aquarius is bringing me a sense of laughter.  And bubbles like playful sea waves.  She is revolutionary, she is quirky, she is unapologetically herself.  Aquarius pioneers freedom.  What is it inside of us that is waiting to be set free?  There is that magic in all of us, that liberating force, that will shake down all the obstacles, real or imagined.  A freedom that one might imagine in death can, indeed, be felt and even lived.

As we are slowly turning into the Age of Aquarius from the Piscean Age, it is fitting that many humans are rapidly “waking up” and many “awakened” humans are coming into the world.  It makes sense that the kundalini energy lying dormant at the base of the spine of every human is finding more and more opportunity for rising like the sacred snake.

Somewhere I have a card with a picture of Kwan Yin, Goddess of Compassion, robed in white and standing on the back of a giant green serpent.  I think about that image often in yoga class, especially during final breathing.  Awakening Kwan-Yin in my heart chakra, feeling her power riding upon the serpent of kundalini energy.

Aquarius feels like kundalini to me….

Traditionally, Aquarius is ruled by Saturn, fixed, firm and structured.  The Energy-Bearer needs structure and guidance, like the kundalini.

The modern ruler of Aquarius is Uranus, the rock and roll wild child of our solar system.  Uranus is looking for nothing short of transcendence.  That is exactly what an awakened kundalini will bring.

Venus represents love, art, wisdom and the divine feminine.  She exists in all of us and is a supportive energy at all times.  In Aquarius, she will be transiting my 9th House of travel and philosophy.  Where does she affect YOU?

 

www.astro.com

www.astrolabe.com

 

Oh, Intimacy.

Intimacy.

It sounds so appealing, doesn’t it?   Enticing.  Fun.  Close.

Sexy.  Safe.  Secret.

Fantasy made real.

But then there’s the uncomfortable feelings that might occur.  Like fear and insecurity.  Or jealousy.  Issues of control.  Attachment.  Need and want.  Vulnerability.

Oh, shit.

It’s one thing to send someone a sexy photo of some naked portion of your body under just the right light.  It’s another to stand naked with your feelings and thoughts in front of someone without playing games of shielding.

For me, stepping into intimacy has been a slow journey.  I learned to hide early on, to transform myself on a superficial level to accommodate the external world.  I learned to be a yes girl.  An actress in everyone else’s story but my own.  I picked up on cues… what will make them like me?  What will make me acceptable?  How can I get the attention I need?   With men, I shared my body, but not my truth.  How intimate is that?  Not very.

None of this is unique!  A common, common story.

I denied myself food, and pleasure, and fun, and self-love.  My breath was shallow, my thoughts were often shallow.  My sense of suffering was chronic.  The paradigm I believed in depended on my oblivion to what it was that I actually wanted to experience.  My “want” was insidiously driven by the power of external validation.  The story of chasing my worth outside of myself, looking for love while holding my breath, is long and sort of boring.  It’s a story of false starts and dead ends.  A story of resisting my own knowing.

Intimacy is like waking up sober from your own thoughts, your own story.  It is the is-ness that is here now.

Intimacy has everything to do with honoring what feels good rather than what looks good.  Living without the story of some external reward or external validation, I am free to realize that breathing feels good.  Listening to my body feels good.  Self-love in its many forms of expression feels good.  Following my intuition feels good.  Not rushing to decide, respond or act feels good.

When I am free from the story of what I should or should not look like, feel like, accomplish or gain – I can look around with fresh eyes at this world that is truly, constantly, my own reflection.  I can move from that place.  I can smile first, or love, or hug.  I can receive.

I can say yes, gladly and honestly.  I can say no, simply.

Oh, Intimacy.

Dare I approach you?  Dare I let you in?  Dare I sit in stillness and ask the question: “Who?”

Who is having these thoughts?  Who is watching them?  Who is feeling the emotion?  Who is observing the feelings?  Who owns the sense of lack or want or need?

Who is chasing?  Who is forgetting and who is remembering?  Who is breathing in?  Who is letting it go?

Ohhhh…

So close, so intimate.  So completely woven into the tapestry of our lives, our stories.

Who is weaving?

 

Namaste.