Child

 

You are my child

Born of my flesh, my blood, my labor

You are my child

And sometimes I fail you so completely

Sometimes I just don’t get it

How to reach you

How to connect

*

Child of my body, Child of God

Please forgive my clumsy efforts

at parenting

Sometimes

I just say all the wrong things

Especially when I attach myself

to the drama of the moment

Could I please have a hall pass

when I don’t know what to do?

*

Child of Light,

you came here for your own special reason

Your own karma

I don’t control that

Your destiny

is not at all

under my jurisdiction

*

I will wait for you, dear child of mine

I will wait for your teenage brain

to stabilize

I will wait for my own fears to subside,

and maybe that will help

Maybe you will sense

when the swords I carry

as your Mama Bear

are laid down

Maybe then,

you will feel safe to approach me

as a human who just adores you

in this way that is beyond language

and beyond intellect

Maybe then,

my overwhelming love for you

won’t feel like another obstacle

for you to push against

*

Sweet child of mine,

Thank you for coming to this Earth

Thank you for choosing me as the vessel for your entrance

As the mountain for your shelter

As the indiscriminate heart for your perfect evolution

*

Dear child,

I am here

You don’t have to do anything

Say anything

Be anything

Or prove anything

I am simply

Glad

Of your existence

*

Bless this life

That lives and breathes and moves

In you

and I

*

Old Things

I walk into the heat

I don’t know how hot they keep it, I’ve been meaning to ask

The more bodies, the hotter it is

The room is packed today

38 yogis and yoginis

Ready to sweat

I find a spot, making sure I can see myself in the front mirror

Not for vanity,

so I can hold my own gaze during the balancing poses

So I can watch my foot rise above my head and kick out, kick out more

*
Class begins

26 poses, all but one repeated twice

I thought it would get boring, but it doesn’t

I feel the charge of my own ego and the egos around me

It’s hard not to let the ego rise in this room of glistening, semi-bare bodies

Watching ourselves in the mirror as we contort our forms into one challenging posture after another

“Try not to let your eyes dart around,” the instructor will say

Class continues

*
We finish the standing series and move onto the floor

Usually I begin to cool down a bit at this point

Not today

I am sweating profusely, the heat is almost unkind

My physical heart is pounding like I’ve just been sprinting

As we rest briefly between poses,

blood and lymph circulation is accelerated

The locks in my body and mind are melting

Unwinding

And I feel the tug at the lock of my other heart, my feeling heart

And now the lock is open, and old things are being lifted away

Old things, dead things, sad things, dark things

Tears smart in my eyes

No, not now!

*
There is a message: Don’t dwell on

those old things

As long as you keep sweating, keep following the instructor’s voice

This purification will continue

It won’t happen all at once, but over time

Over this entire lifetime

And someday,

someone will know your secret heart

where joy and compassion are triumphant

The feeling heart that has made the lotus journey

It begins in the mud long before it blossoms on the surface of the water

Class is over

Cold shower

Old things remain

But less of them

*

from 1/26/14

Genetic Lottery

I’ve been hearing the term “genetic lottery” a lot lately, I don’t know why.  And it irritates me for some reason.  I’m in the line at the grocery store, and my reflection is picture perfect women and Bill Cosby.  I go in nature and my reflection is the trail, trees, wildness and waterfalls.  I wake up with my to-do list of concerns, and my whole day has a pattern of problem-finding.  I wake up in love, and I find beauty in every person, in every surprise, in every “mistake.”

We are all bones and blood and skin.  We all won some kind of lottery.

We bounded to Earth, begging to do this again, to have another shot at experiencing the IS-NESS of this life.  The vast array of wonderment here.

Density.  The senses.  Forgetting and remembering how to love.  Redemption.  Forgiveness.

Energy.

Everything that makes you willing to shed the body again without fear.  Everything that gives impartial existence a bleeding, beating, loving heart —

It all exists on this Earth plane.

Genetic lottery.

Congratulations, you are here.  You made it into form to give this planet everything you are, everything you have.  You contain the precise genetic code that gives you access to the entire Universe.

That place in you, that secret source – that is the gateway to the living water.  It is the entrance and the beginning of that which never dies, that which is changeless, deathless, and has no name and many names simultaneously.

Please share it, for if not in this lifetime, then when??

What are the odds, what are the chances, of being born again into a world of such high stakes and so many options in ways to Play?

The secret is out.

It’s written all over your face!

Everything about you, dear one, is God.

And you are here, wandering star,

to walk yourself Home

*

*

Sat Nam

New Moon in Capricorn

The Capricorn New Moon is exact today at 5:31 pm PST.  I like that Sun, Moon and Mercury will all be rooted in the disciplined sign of Capricorn at this time – along with Pluto, whose long rendezvous with the Goat will last a total of 16 years, from January 2008 to January 2024!

This is a lot of focused energy in Capricorn’s sensible terrain.  Sun is our identity, karma and purpose.  Moon is inner-awareness and emotions.  Mercury (who is retrograde) is the mind, curiosity, scrutiny and communication.  Finally, we have Pluto – representing desires and soul-contracts.

New Moon is about intention setting.  Capricorn says less talk, more action.  She gives us drive and stamina.  She is ruled by Saturn, our planet of structure, focus and hard work.  Universally, Capricorn rules the 10th House of career, status and reputation.  However, to see where all this Capricorn energy is affecting you personally, you must look at the area of your natal chart that is ruled by the Goat – tracking planetary transits in our own lives is fascinating and eye opening.

We are being asked to remember what we came here for.

New Moon in Capricorn is fabulous for planning and creating order in our lives.  It is an auspicious time to begin new projects that are long-term and require commitment.  It might feel easier, or even unavoidable, to cut through bullshit today – yours or someone else’s.

La Luna will go void-of-course tomorrow morning at 9:39 am, but not for long.  She will enter Aquarius at 12:23 pm, which will shift the energy toward freedom and creative expression.  Aquarius is the wild child, he shakes things ups and he demands liberation for all beings.

Today we root, we go within.  Tomorrow we fly.

Namaste!

 

Sacred Art

And all the while,

God is whispering

relentlessly

like a child who can’t sleep:

“Please fall in love with yourself again,

for me?”

*

“And if you can’t do that right now,

you have not failed!

Just please fall in love with someone who is

practicing that sacred art”

*

“And if that, too, proves unmanageable

won’t you please fall in love with me?

For self-love is my specialty,

and you are the perfect lamp

for my torch”

*

 

 

 

Shadow Men

The men of shadows like me

Because I know how to dance in their dark streets with my light

and I am unafraid of their secrets

Out of curiosity, compulsion and naivety

I have wandered into their inner chambers

Craving the pull, but all the while a sinking feeling

and trying to ignore it

Craving the story

‘cause I saw it in a movie

And every form of media

and residual karma

*

But it doesn’t take long

for the windows to disappear

and for the reek of loneliness to fill the stale air

Your internal temperature gets colder,

the closer you get to a man like this

And when you arrive as far as he will let you in

you might feel lost while looking at your reflection

*

What were you seeking when you traveled so far away

from safety and from love?

An experience that leaves your soul feeling weathered and torn

rather than comforted and cared for?

You knew –

it would end this way

leave you feeling this way

You knew,

but something drew you in

and you wanted the poison instead of the Prasad

*

Like a Siren’s call, you were called

to these shadow men

The Everything in you trying to understand itself

Feeling yourself the lowest of the low,

you ate garbage and developed

sunken eyes

Yet still, somehow you managed

to preserve your ember

while entering the mouth of the Wolf

That place where you have to die to survive

and break your promises or at least

omit the truth

Lest everything you love get stolen

broken or desecrated

That place will forever remind you

that things can always get worse

And you must find your way out of this mess

*

Your breath becomes shallow

A listlessness begins choking you

You are defeated by the lies you kept telling yourself,

now disappointing and shabby in the light of day

While the good people of the world

have coffee and dreams and commitments they love to keep

You have this –

shadow to reckon with

And you feel tired

like you spent all night digging yourself

another grave

*

*

Time, great healer

Wash me in your Ocean

Ring me out like the robes you will have me wear

when I meet you at last, for tea

*

*

She walks alone and alone

She walks alone and not alone

She stops pretending to know everything and she becomes

a beginner, what an honor

She left the dark streets

and dark avenues

full of tempting, lurking shadow men

The ones who made her look angelic,

if only for a little while

She found this path, instead

High into the mountains

Take off your shoes

*

The Gurus appear in her dreams

when she walks this way

up the many steps

in the misty grey morning

Up the many steps,

she is visually hydrated

by the bright green moss and wild foliage,

all covered with dew

The moist, cool air

filling her nostrils with the fragrance of clean, dark earth

Tiny white flowers

singing praises with her crumbling identity

and ecstatic heart

*

Oh Deathless One,

these shadow men

They just can’t light my fire

like You

*

 

Seaglass

Imagine that your heart is a glass bottle

Ginger ale, beer, kombucha, whatever you like

The point is – your heart is made of glass

and it can

and it will

break

*

You are taken on a fun adventure

to the beach, of course!

Inevitably

…..at some point….

you are shattered

Maybe out of plain old good fun

An act of rough-housing

and carelessness

A simple mishap

Or an act of violence and disregard

Apathy stemming from

Forgetting

that it all matters

Even you, glass bottle that you are

*

You are shattered

Broken into many pieces

Some big, some small

No one is going to fix you

It’s possible that the larger chunks of your brokenness will get salvaged

Thrown away or recycled

You are all sharp edges now

And bits and pieces of you will be left behind

in a dangerous state

Innocent passerby may step on you

and you cut them, you can’t help it

You didn’t ask for this to happen

You were once whole and beautiful,

enjoyed and maybe even admired

Now you are cast aside as waste.

And your knife edges know only how to wound.

*

*

The Ocean is waiting for you

She wants to retrieve you

Consume you

Reshape you

She is the master transformer

She begs for nothing

She needs nothing

She does what She knows

Ebbs and flows

Inhales

Exhales

A gravitational pull that is at once –

Cleansing and deadly

Exciting and majestic

A release of froth and bubbles

that has made creatures of every age and creed

laugh with delight

for time beyond memory

And Her waves give surfers of all species

A killer ride

This Ocean, She reclaims you and your brokenness

your rejection and knife edges

This Ocean, She wants you

She is taking you home

*

Time passes, a long time

One day you find yourself on the shore again

You bask in the sun next to seashells

You are beginning to feel beautiful again

At some point, a man stoops down and picks you up

Your color and smoothness has caught his eye

His heart is aching

And as he looks at you, he is reminded

that the place in his chest

that in waves aches with sadness

which in turn become waves of anger, fury, rage

dropping into desolation

and fear of being alone

returning to the familiar ache

This place, too, will soften

like this seaglass that has washed ashore

A gentle reminder that life is rocking him

shaping him

chiseling away the sharpness

slowly but surely

Reinventing his heart

into something both strong and gentle

wise and at peace

Your journey speaks volumes to him

He inhales deeply, the fullness of this moment

On exhalation, he throws you as far as he can

back into the Ocean

Ma….

Who is at once impartial and all-loving

She reclaims you again

to soften you even more

You will wash ashore again someday

You will be marveled at

But pride has left you

for you are one with that which has changed you

And all you want

And all you need

Is more of that kind of love

*

*

A day will come

years later

A young girl, age 4

stops in her tracks at the sight of you

This is different, she thinks

She has been scanning the shore as she walks with her mother

The water lapping its exhalation at their feet

It is a calm day, warm and soft breeze

She sees first your color

catching her eyes like a jewel

Light and golden

bleached by years of minerals and sun

She picks you up and notices your shape

like an oblong heart

and so soft, so smooth!

“This is seaglass,” the mother says

She explains  your journey, why you are so special

The little girl holds you with utmost reverence as her very soul is taking it all in

How could something that began so sharp and jagged

so broken – so dangerous

become this dazzling work of art she now holds?

Time

The Ocean

The sand tumbling the blade away

*

Days, months, years go by

Life will become difficult

So much so

that the heart of this girl-now-woman

will break

into millions of tiny pieces

A pile of smoking rubble

A wasteland

So barren

she will begin to believe

there is nothing to salvage

The forgetting will cover her

and lead her down a darkened path

She will cling to woundedness

and wear sadness like a cloak

A cloak so familiar,

that Light appears like a stranger

and makes her want to hide

*

Time passes

*

*

She is called again to the water

She sits with an ease now, centered and uncoiled

She looks at the Ocean

She realizes

she wants for nothing right now

She sees in her mind’s eye

an image of the seaglass she found so many years ago

She realizes

her heart has softened, too

The jagged edges are smoother now

She feels a kindness inside

toward herself

and extending outward to her surroundings

All the life it contains

This life!

She looks at the Ocean

She sees the grace that has been flowing to her

with constant care

through every trial, failure, disappointment, regrettable act

Grace was there

turning her over in waves

softening her

into what she is now