White Wings of Karma

He came to me on white wings to deliver my karma.

He came to find out for himself just how real my love could be, and to teach me that in turn.  He came to take me through the ring of fire and burn the ice off my own heart.

He came to me on lies and white wings, for somehow they can indeed co-exist – as the poison is absorbed the strength is born, the light must burn even brighter and the love, well – sometimes you have to dig even deeper for it.  Dig in the recesses of your own mind full of ugliness and amnesia, stuck in some rigidity of judgment, or simply afraid of its own power.

These little shifts in perception; seeing the mind, the past, the other, the pure and the profane, all as patterns upon the totality — at some point the river of endless thoughts can stream down into the heart center, for something else is happening.

A feeling of all-encompassing love, and forgiveness.

A recognition that all of it is you.  The redemption in that.

An inner sovereignty to be just as you were born to be, just as you are right now.  A trust in one’s own desires, as unexpected as they might seem.

What  I mean to say is: 

He came on white wings and he broke me.  He shattered the illusions and the fantasy and the very attraction to his shadow.  

I danced with him in the name of love, both spiritual and animal, and I found a home in his arms that I didn’t want to leave.

The energy was always heightened because of a sense of temporariness – I didn’t want to admit but I sometimes did, that he felt like sand running through my hands.  Even now, a little grieving happens as I look at what was and see — it was never what I wanted it to be.  

So maybe that’s the real grief.  Mourning the man I wanted him to be, mourning the love I wanted to have, mourning the relationship that came on white wings to deliver my karma.

These angels, these karmic angels, they do us more good than we can ever know.  

*

The Guru, the Gift

Love is Guru.

Time is Guru.

Anger is Guru.

So is fear.

My children are the Guru — Guru of Gurus they are!

My parents are also Guru, in all of our closeness and non-closeness.

Energy is Guru.

Stillness is Guru.

Even exhaustion, depression, illness and pain are the Guru – powerful, life-changing Guru.  The Guru that shows you what you are really made of.

Sex is Guru.

Sexual union can allow the Supreme Consciousness to flow up the spine and into the heart, if we let it.  The experience of oneness will explode in the 3rd eye, for a sustained orgasmic state dissolves the illusory barrier between “you” and “them,” between “you” and the Divine, between “you” and all that is.

But we don’t need sex for that.

The Is-ness of this moment is teeming with potency, with the fruit and flavor of our conscious awareness and our unconscious awareness.  The power is in our focus, the lens of the mind.

It is the subtle shift in perceptive which will allow the heart and the whole body to soften, and allow the soul to again take the wheel.

There is no separation.

The soul is “you.”  The mind and its collection of thoughts, beliefs, ideas and concepts is a giant wardrobe which the soul can wear, when it chooses.

But truly, the soul needs no clothes.

No thoughts, ideas, concepts, beliefs, identities.

Only if it serves you or others, then wear these hats, these clothes.

But remember to take them off and stand naked with yourself, be the bare, raw essence of pure existence.

Caress even that duality, caress non-existence.

Know that you are also That, the nothingness.

*

There is no end to this infinite life.

*

And these precious moments ticking by, they are wild and free.

They are as malleable as our dreams.

Stand naked with your soul, and listen to the Gift.

Breathe it in, again and again, but noticing this time – the air filling your lungs – a gift.

The eyes that can see or the ears that can hear – a gift.

The ability to close the eyes and see the inner-world, what a gift indeed.

*

 

Thoughts on Forty

I woke up inside my body and became aware – I am here – temporarily so, yes – but here I reside, for this precious now.  Here, in this life, this particular design.  This paper thin slice of the matrix pie.  This form, this flesh, this blood, these bones.  This skin and these eyes.  This mind calculating what it sees.  This heart-mind, prodding the eyes to see more.

The white flag of surrender.  Everything is the teacher, everything is guru.  Every possible incarnation exists and it is inextricable from Source and therefor inextricable from me, or you.

We are each vines from the eternal presence which is Source.  And we are each the other – one another – we are everything upon existence as our consciousness moves to match that frequency.

For you, as Source, have a deep desire to experience all of yourself – all of your potential – as the being that you are in this lifetime and every other possible incarnation of you.  These incarnations are infinite.

The infinite is one with eternity.  And eternity is a very long time, my friends.  A very-very-very long time (in the linear sense), in which the CHOICE to experience what it means to be EVERYTHING is our own free will.  From the point of view of Eternal Source Consciousness, there is nothing to lose, ever, in the grandest sense.

We are here for this moment, and truly we are conductors of Source in this time capsule which exists moment to moment.  We are also morphing into the formation of who we know ourselves to be from moment to moment.  In essence, we exist as geometric light rays, playing upon the sublime pattern of this universe.

The soul seeks expansion, and it is that which these light rays will respond to upon this planet (and every other possible planet within this universe and every other possible universe).  And if you ponder it for even a moment, you will have an experience of what another universe could possibly be, and you will know yourself as THAT.  It exists and you exist as it.

The sheer magnitude of this.

From this expanded awareness, that ALL exists and that we are the It or the Is-ness, we come back to our bodies and our breath, here and now.

We come back to this Earth, this grand experiment, this sacred home for life.  We come back to our own particular place upon Gaia, which we are choosing with our free will from moment to moment.

We chose this life.

Our soul came here with a mission.  Once awakened, the heart will hear the mission loud and clear – from moment to moment.  The mind may still get confused – let the heart guide it and help it relax so the dust of thoughts can settle and vision can become clear.

Use the channel of the 5th chakra at the throat center to help make the connection between 4th chakra (heart chakra) and 6th chakra (at 3rd eye), deep inside the brain.  Chanting mantra, singing and of course conscious breathing will all clear the 5th chakra.  Also, not wasting words, not complaining and not speaking ill of others (it happens, but we can tame these habits, as we tame the horses of the mind).

Sitting in silence is very often the best medicine.

Listening to the silence and opening the heart-mind to receive.

*

I am forty today, and still just learning to listen, still just learning to receive.

Forty years is but a baby’s breath to the Goddess, married to Source, who laughs from the deep belly of the Creative Wisdom, laughs as another one becomes teachable.

*

 

Body Electric

Shakti needs Shiva.

Shiva teaches Shakti how to exist in form.

Shiva needs Shakti.

Shakti teaches Shiva how to exist as pure energy.

I am the Shiva lingam.

I am consciousness in form.

I am Shakti.

Om

*

At the beginning of this year, the body I reside in began to show signs of her kundalini awakening.

I have walked a meandering spiritual path since the age of 20, diving in and out of different spiritual traditions, seeking always seeking.

The seeking eventually led me to the transformative power of dedicated mantra practice.

Once I really took hold of this practice, the slow “identity crisis” I had been experiencing for the last several years became all-consuming.  What I mean by “identity crisis” is the dissolution of identifying with the “small self” – the persona, the ego, the physical body, the possessions or lack there of, the career, the history, the reputation, the assumed identity.

All I wanted was for the Lord of Love to CUT OFF MY HEAD, release me from the bondage of egoic attachments and burn away everything that is false and not of my true nature.

Just like Rumi spoke of, even concepts like “my this” or “my that” really didn’t hold up anymore, the more I tapped on the awareness of being both nothing and everything, non-separate from all that exists in and out of creation.

(Language is a barrier sometimes)

Basically, I was rushing toward my own karmic clearing, my delivery to the zero point.

*

The karmic clearing came in the form of a freak-accident injury that kept me out of work for a month, and a terrible heartache when my lover admitted to a great betrayal.

The injury was painful and very inconvenient, but I could hear my Guru’s voice and see his innocent smile: “I GIFT YOU!” he kept saying.  You have to experience this Guru to know how charming and disarming he can be.  And truly, he speaks the truth.

A karmic clearing is always a gift, and it is always in favor of our soul expansion.

In this dimension, it is impossible to fully see and understand the intricacies of perfection in each of our journeys.

When the admission of betrayal came from my lover, after quite a huge mind-fuck, I couldn’t see the gift.

There was only PAIN.

Ebbing and flowing, gushing, fresh, stagnant, old, inescapable, compressing my insides, this is killing me, Lord help me, I want off this ride.

The heart had to do intense tapas, you might say.

Lying on a bed of nails.

Being trampled my horses.

Dragged across hot coals.

Sliced and minced and cooked and served to hungry, wanting souls.

I felt every sensation and they all felt like death.

And yet, the real heart continued beating – alive and purified inside of Shiva’s flame.

The thing I thought would kill me, didn’t.

The thing that could have closed my heart, didn’t.

The door will not shut, even wrenching pain cannot shut it.

My will to shut out the light has been stolen by the Thief.

*

The lover who betrayed me got jealous at one point in our relationship, when another man was pursuing me.  We were barely hanging on, but we stayed together; apparently our karma wasn’t finished yet.

This lover sent me a letter during that time, expressing his offense that some other man would get to touch the body that HE made electric.  My body.  MY body.  Mine.

And yet – with a limited attachment to form, I couldn’t take in the egoic nature of his words at that time.  I had him on a pedestal of sorts, I loved him like he was flesh of my flesh, and when our time together came to its inevitable end, I felt like my own unborn child was being ripped out of my womb.

This man I had come to understand as my twin flame had been deceiving me for the majority of our relationship.

My consent in the relationship vanished the moment the deception began.

Part of my soul mission at this time seems to be the willingness to CLAIM my identity, my emotions, my desires, my lessons and yes….my body.

This body is electric.

In and of her own accord.

Due to her own sublime timing.

Owing credit to no one except the Shakti that flows through her like a river, rinsing out all the lies and confusion, all the oppressive programming and attempts to keep her controlled.

Shakti flows through this body like little earthquakes, cascading and cascading, riding up the spine and exploding through the heart again and again and again.

Just a thought can bring about a “heart orgasm.”

A fully clothed hug from the divine masculine can hold space for this live wire, this body electric.

All is Grace in the timing of our awakening.

God is singing a gentle morning song (yes, sometimes shouting it), and it is the God-Realized One within that must decide to awaken.  The song is exactly tuned to the vibration we can recognize.  The holes are being precisely drilled in the flute that is your soul.

*

I am the Shiva lingam, consciousness as form.

I am Shakti, consciousness as pure sacred energy.

“I” do not exist as the identity of the woman I reside in.

“I” cannot be killed, destroyed, ruined or even betrayed.

This body electric is awake.

This heart-mind is awake.

*

“I GIFT YOU,” says my Guru.

I smile a tiny Mona Lisa smile.

He speaks the truth.

*

5 minutes to write

Salty air

Saltier than usual 

Pungent summer, 

Comforting in all her naturalness

Fruits and fish and seaweed decomposing under the sun’s gaze

I breathe it in while waiting in line to cross the water

Heart mending

All is as it is

All is.

Cars, people, sky, breeze, trees pretending to be tame, but I see their wild side

Their root system is the same as mine and yours

Their source just as primal, just as constant, just as beyond judgement as every baby, every mountain, every snail

Can you feel the quickening? 

*

The Monster

The monster is here.  In all our hearts.  Unavoidable.  An energetic expression.  As innocent as everything else, in the ultimate sense.

We’ve all seen its face.  The reflection that we want to destroy or deny.  Those parts of ourselves and others that we hold out on a limb proclaiming: “This aspect of creation is not part of our Tree of Life!”

We’ve all witnessed it as our own undoing, something we never wanted to become.  Our formulas for creating a personal hell are endless, each and every one a path of wandering away from conscious union with Source.

Each and every one a potential story of redemption and love that is so great, one might never wander away again.

We walk these paths of shadows and light, sometimes illumined by others, and sometimes bringing illumination from our very core, as the deathless Phoenix rises from ashes in any being who will open up to this resurrection.

The monster can only be tamed by that very one deep inside.  No one else can ever do it for you (though calling on Angels, Gurus, Guides and messengers will undoubtedly offer a quickening).  Your monster is your own.  Your very own gatekeeper, you could say, on your amazing journey home.

◊◊◊

I recently went through a period of intense trial.

During this time, I began to truly feel and internally “see” the shape of my soul.  Just a slender oval of light filling the trunk of my body, from the 1st chakra at the base to just above the 4th chakra at the heart center.  It was with some excitement that it dawned on me – the heart is the brain of the soul!

A loose translation of the Tibetan mantra “Om Mane Padme Hum” is this:

May the jewel of the mind reside in the lotus of the heart

Yes!  Yes, yes, yes, yes.

This does not discredit the mind, or our tendency to think that the brain is the home of the soul.  Not at all.

It is as if the body of the soul (existing within the trunk), is like the chariot which Arjuna rides upon with Krishna in the Bhagavad-gita.  And then we have the reins, running through the 5th chakra at the throat center, our place of speech, truth and expression.

And then, we have the horses.

The horses are the senses, and our perception of the senses.  The horses are the mind.  The horses will take this chariot anywhere it wants to go, but the one driving the chariot must be intelligent and have a good grip on the reins in order to get those horses to act intelligently themselves!

The heart-mind must wake up.  The heart-mind IS intelligent, inherently, but so often we keep it asleep or dismiss its cries.

But it is talking.  It knows what it really wants to DO in life.  It knows how it wants to be treated.  It knows – just like the trees and the grass and the animals – that its existence is whole, complete and valid.  And it feels things that can be inconvenient for the mind to reckon with.

The heart-mind is a place of acceptance.  Even when it hurts.  Even when the monster inside is thrashing about.  Even when the mind wants to die.  Even when the shattered glass of what you wanted and what you didn’t get is falling like heavy rain.  Even when you find yourself at the bottom of it all, floating around the muddy confusion of needing to grow.

The soul rejoices at these times.  For it sees you coming home.  Just like the prodigal son returning to his father, we return to our souls like that and there is joy in heaven and on earth.

Here, in this place, with the monster.  With any and all unresolved trauma.  With the tired sadness of lost hope.  With a growing flicker of willingness, to dive below this seeming bottom, straight into the mud, remembering the one who gives birth, and digging roots deep into her.

Here she will incubate us.  Show us how far to go, how much depth is needed to sustain this beautiful lotus – the lotus of the heart-mind.

 

NO MUD, NO LOTUS

– unknown

 

Sat Nam.  Much love.  May your soul take the journey it has always wanted to make.