It’s hard to describe myself these days.

Everything feels like worlds colliding together, deep within

as I come to slow down to the frequency

that cannot

not love.

In that frequency, I meet all the aspects of myself

that would have otherwise, and have for lifetimes, been buried, rejected and denied

by me.

All the ways I became a slave, chasing illusory happiness outside of myself.

All the ways I wanted “love” to come rescue me, heal me + fill me.

Love in the form of a man, love in the form of my children, love in the form of validation and approval from the outside world.

Love in the form of a God outside my very center.

A dependent love.

A “you fix me” kind of love.

Such a hunger, for so long.

*

But I could never win that way.

I could never appreciate the realness of love, I could never fully receive.

I could never even begin to become one with the trees and the birds, the rivers and the Oceans, tasting the fruit of living awareness.

Tasting the fruit of love + compassion, as the yogini sisters speak of….

I could never savor life.

I was too busy pretending, chasing, hiding from myself.

For years, I called it being a “seeker.”

*

But an inner-gravity pulls us.

Our truest desires are Unavoidable.

Like the desire to Awaken…the desire to Know Love…the desire to Be Free…

The Universe responds in kind.

And no stone is left unturned for the ones who want it all.

*

I am born and reborn on this path.

I die and die again.

I kill my inner-demons only to drink their blood and bring them home.

I drink the poison + the medicine and find they are one in the same.

All can lead to eating the fruit of love + compassion, all can be alchemized.  

This path isn’t neat + tidy for me.

I must have not wanted it to be.  I must have desired to grow in all the ways available to me.  I must be like so, so many of us.  I recognize myself in others on this path.

Some days, it feels way too hard.

And some days I am in rapture, in awe, feeling the waves of immense love, forgiveness + compassion coming in.

And I still hold back in places, and I’m still learning to Trust.

So I have some practices:

I get very quiet inside as often as I can remember.  And I listen.  And I feel.

And sometimes I cry and moan, or dance, or pray.

Sometimes I must rage.

And as the shadows make themselves known to me, I welcome them.

The one I hate is me.  The one I judge is me.

The one I reject is me.  The one I fear is me.

The one I have been waiting for and longing for….is also me.

The one I have been aching for.

The one I have secretly, desperately, been dying to become one with. 

I make a nest, in my heart and womb.

And now I see, this beautiful gift…

The gift of loving myself and holding myself and not waiting for permission, or worse – waiting for someone else to do it for me.  (Even God.  Even Guru.)

Just as my beloved Brother has said: “Do not give a man a fish.  Teach him to fish.”

It’s just this way –

God won’t steal your thunder.

God won’t deprive you of the gift of getting all the way down into the bottom of who you think you are, who you have believed yourself into being.

The gift of facing all of you, all the hidden, all the unseen.

All the faces you’ve ever owned.

Every face you never wanted to see again, each of them – you will see, and you will fall to your knees and offer your love.

You will let them come home, where they can heal….and rest.  (They are so tired)

You will promise not to abandon them ever again.

You will promise not to betray them or cast them out.

The face of shame, unworthiness, hatred and fear.  The face of lust and greed, the face of neediness, jealousy, narcissism and victim.  The face of apathy.

The face of loneliness.  The face of rejection.

The face of domination, perpetration, rage and perversion.

The face of hiding, the face of seeking approval, the face of grief.

All of these and many more, you will bring home.

You will see them reflected all around you, and you will find them in yourself, little pieces like broken glass and sometimes a huge buried monster…

dying for your love.

*

When ignored, these faces are like leeches

sucking your life force.

They will run the show and convince you to create more and more drama in your external reality

until you begin to bring them home.

*

The path is like this.

It crushes my bones sometimes.  It cuts off my head.

It turns me inside out.

It flattens every false belief.

It flattens every pretense.

It burns a holy fire I am cleansing myself in,

and it dares me to get very, very naked.

It gets me to listen, just so I can hear it say:

“You do it.  Love yourself as I have loved you.  Love it all.

Fiercely.  Gently.  Courageously.  Fearlessly and Shamelessly.

Love yourself.  Know this love, the living water.”

Photo by Warren Wong on Unsplash

And what if you hadn’t

Kept working

What if you had sat down, as a disciple yourself

way back then?

If no one served, do you think Yeshua would have said:

“Hey Marta, get back in the kitchen!”

Probably not

*

Can you imagine a different story….

Lessons that we as a collective are learning now….

Consider:

What if we women

are actually blocking the ability for our men to Rise Up

and be MEN

to powerfully lead and serve

in the unique and honorable ways that the Masculine can?

What if we women are blocking the channels for our men to support us in being the Bright and Fierce feminine leaders WE are?

By “doing it all ourselves”

and resenting not being validated

By acting small

and resenting others who don’t act small

By hiding our Light

and seething with envy when others Shine

By wearing the the sheep’s clothing that really doesn’t fit

has really never fit

the kind of animals we are

*

Now, let me ask you

Can you handle it?

Can you handle giving up the illusory control?

Can you handle not trying to make yourself look good

or gain approval

from anyone else?

Can you handle drinking from the Fountain of Life

and facing your Self?

Can you handle admitting

who you Really Are?

Can you handle

stopping

the charade

the facade

That you have anything better to do

than Be Here Now

That you are a victim

of ANY of your experiences

That you have to conform

to something outside yourself

That this life isn’t actually

FOR YOU

*

Beloved Marta,

when will you stop

depriving the Living Well

from your beautiful

hungry

mouth?

*

 

Beloved Marta

Your story is still unraveling

Your rapture came later

For at the time

You couldn’t stop working so hard

Bound by rules and regulations and what a woman SHOULD do

Trying to win at your own game

But you didn’t, did you?

*

We never win that way.

Ego never wins.

Trying to get it “right” never wins.

Conformity never wins.

Giving our power away never wins.

Postponing our joy never wins.

Contraction

judgment

resentment

and all that holier than thou

bullshit

can never taste the nectar

of Love’s Liberation

*

See, Marta, beloved of the Beloved

You tell an important story

~ one we are still telling ~

For by separating yourself from Love’s embrace

By diligently working to serve the men

Acting like a dutiful woman

Doing as you were conditioned to do

Instead of Drinking

from the Living Well for your soul

you martyred yourself

denied your very self

and the choice was completely

yours

*

Beloved Marta,

come out of hiding

with all of your Shadow

and all of your Light

Come howling

Come hungry

Come undone

The Living Water is running through your circuits

And the nectar drips like honey down your spine

Beloved Marta,

It is time to serve the One who lives inside

and let the nectar drip like honey down your spine

*

 

I’m cleaning up around here

Oh, it’s been a mess

I’ve had to throw a lot out

A LOT OUT

And rearrange things

So energy can flow,

So oxygen can touch those hard-fast places

Where I had tried to keep Love’s face away,

in my shame

in my idea of not deserving Love’s glance

in my own rejection of That which I crave the most

*

I have a Sacred Guest

Who is bound to arrive

The moment I open the door

I smell Her fragrance like the lilacs and the jasmine flowers of spring

She’s right outside

I see and feel Her brightness

Even from behind these walls,

where I stand sweeping, sweeping

*

Sometimes my sweeping is born of devotion

In itself, the chore becoming a dance of Union

But sometimes, I’m just keeping my Guest waiting

Sometimes even sweeping is a form of hiding

from my Maker

The One who governs my very breath

even as She stands on my doorstep

Ever patient

Ever awaiting the thrill of a soul who wants only this Homecoming

*

And then, what can I do?

But strip naked in all of it

All the mess

All the effort

All the wanting and striving and formulated plans

All the habitual patterns and pre-conceived ways of

doing things

Strip naked

and stand before the Sacred Guest

Strip naked

and allow Love to touch this body

and allow Love to fill this mind

*

I open the the door

creak

and let the Guest enter the cave of my heartspace

wombspace

sacred space

every space

My nakedness is my innocence

And I am seen

*

There is still so much brokenness

Everything unfinished

Splayed out

Threads reaching back lifetimes

The imprints from my ancestors

The passed-on pieces revealing themselves

And the fragmented pieces

finding their way back to me

through this newly opened door

*

The Guest is here

(already)

“Come on in, it’s a bit of a mess”

“Nothing I haven’t seen before”

I laugh

I am seen

And my nakedness is my innocence

*

 

 

The masochist is the sadist.

The martyr is the narcissist.

The persecutor is also persecuted.

The virgin and the whore.

The vile and the pure.

The beast.

The wicked one.

The saint.

The child.

It’s all in there,

in me and in you.

All in there, where there are no victims,

not anymore.

Not when everything is you.

Not when your cosmic nature is so blazingly obvious

that everyone, even your friend the cynic, has to admit:

You are wild and unstoppable.

*

But go ahead, delay your homecoming.

Sweep yourself up into tidy little piles of broken mess.

Tell yourself and the world that you’ve got a plan, a goal and a destination.

Endure.

And whatever you do, don’t exhale or breathe deeply,

no, not until you’ve attained something achieved something validated yourself

Chase the carrot of false security.

And while you’re at it,

humble yourself with false humility,

the kind that keeps your unworthiness in check.

The kind that keeps you hiding.

The kind that keeps you prideful and judgmental.

The kind that you will always cheat on

because you know you are more

than that.

*

Forget your tidy piles!

So you can be vast again.

Forget the simple conditions upon your life,

forget the timeline you have prescribed for yourself and others,

forget the rules of the game,

forget the lines drawn in the sand,

forget the numbers in your bank account,

forget the opinions of others,

forget your coping skills.

For once, will you own the one thing you have and leave the rest behind?

*

The limitless one walks upon the bridge leading to the gates of the fifth dimension.

At the gates, the eyes of the Sphinx are open.

The heart of Christ and the Magdalene, open.

The burning bush is within you and upon you – it IS you!

You feel the heat, hotter and hotter the closer you get.

The faint of heart will run back into the imaginary security of institutionalized living.

But not you,

oh deathless one.

You stand in the fire.

All that does not serve is being incinerated.

Sometimes slowly, sometimes quickly

And your true primal and sacred self is being reborn.

Into black, space, nothingness

you are reborn.

Your flashlight and your compass are one and the same,

and now you know

what you’ve always known.

you are here

of sheer

desire.

 

 

 

 

Just stand naked inside yourself.

Tonight

and every time you greet the day.

Give yourself the simplicity

of being on this spaceship ride.

We’re all astronauts, you know.

This rock is flying through space.

*

You climbed aboard because your spirit was calling for more

in the world of contrast and duality.

More expressing!

More creating!

More growing!

More healing!

More understanding!

More loving!

More kissing!

More becoming!

More More More!

It is an abundant universe, my friends.

And it is expanding.

*

From your Star-state,

the place where you were before this place,

you knew everything

would be OK.

For you had been reminded of love,

believe me,

you had been reminded.

You arrived and were provided a sacred vehicle for your starlight residence on Earth.

Your one personal belonging.

Believe me when I tell you,

this is your astronaut suit.

*

Do you remember feeling the gravity pulling you in toward this jewel planet?

Do you remember your desire to take birth?

Your desire,

your magnetic and precious and holy desire,

has led you back to Gaia,

countless times by now.

*

Feel this:

your desire

and your will

lining up with the Great Unfolding.

Your heart is on fire and burning

burning

for more of it

more Truth

more Love

more Truth-Love.

And you feel the truth of all things cutting you down to size

into a thousand unrecognizable pieces

and smaller still

just to prepare you for your own undoing.

The truth of all things is compressing you into the diamond that you are.

This truth is fastening you to Love like nothing else can.

This truth is fastening you to Love like nothing else can.

 

 

There is a wave upon this planet, dear ones,

didn’t you know —

and the Lord of Love is teaching surf lessons for free.

*

Lessons begin promptly every morning

as soon as you arrive.

Make no mistake:

The Teacher has been waiting for you.

*

The time of your awakening to this new day

is always the perfect time,

your own perfect dawning —

and yet, the Lord of Love will sense your hesitancy

reluctancy

tendancy

to procrastinate

to avoid, distract and otherwise delay

your own very homecoming!

Coming home to the sacred soul who walks with you

lifetime after lifetime.

Coming home to the one who awaits its freedom

beneath every single facade

beneath every excuse

beneath every denial of your own superpowers.

The denial itself is a sham,

a boring and tired story about unworthiness,

and it is keeping you locked up inside

keeping you from taking that thrilling dive

into the Great Sea,

which could mean death,

certainly death of complacency,

and quite possibly the death of your entire prison structure.

*

So,

if you are at all like me,

and you stand shyly upon the shore sometimes,

not quite convinced that you are cut from the same cloth

as the souls who have already claimed their freedom,

well that’s when the Teacher might give you a literal shove, as He runs ahead of you into the waves.

You hear His booming command trailing behind His exquisite form:

“Pick up the damn board and jump in!”